My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now(4+). I’m a trans guy and bi (23), he’s cis and gay(23). He’s my best friend and the love of my life and my biggest supporter, we get along amazingly and have never had problems in our relationship before, we never fight and even our small arguments are always full of love and care.
4 months ago he made a new friend online, who lives in our city, and they got close fast. My boyfriend is flirty with all his friends which I never had a problem with (most of our friends are mutual friends) as I flirt with my friends too and we all flirt with each other- but for some reason I got a little jealous of this new friend, lets call him J. I did make jokes occasionally about my jealousy when my bf flirted with J and was honest about feeling a little insecure as J seemed smarter and funnier and more masculine than I am and more accomplished. I also think he’s more attractive than me. Bf always reassured me that he loves me and thinks I’m attractive and masculine, and would always mention that J really wanted to be my friend and thinks I’m cool and wants to meet me.
Then about 6 weeks ago, my boyfriend told me he needed to talk to me. He told me he developed a small crush on J and felt extremely guilty and told me as soon as he realized, and was going to talk to J and cut contact, and he did exactly that the same day. Bf was extremely apologetic and very reassuring, he told me he didn’t love me any less. Of course I know that people can develop crushes in a relationship and its normal but I was still hurt and felt insecure about this. We’re both monogamous but after a lot of talking, we came to the conclusion that he might be polyamorous but doesn’t want an open relationship and loves me and wants to be with me. J was understanding about the situation and was sad to have to cut contact but admitted he had a small crush on my boyfriend too so it was the best solution. I felt guilty because I know my bf cherished their friendship as short as it was but I also felt more insecure that J returned his feelings. Bf and I talked a lot about it for the next week and he did everything to reassure me and soothe my insecurities and was very understanding and apologetic.
After a month of no contact, bf told me he thinks he’s over the crush. He told me he did find J physically attractive, but most of his “crush” feelings just came from the rush/excitement of meeting someone new.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. J has slowly started sending bf memes and tiktoks, which I’m fine with, and now they have started talking again but aren’t flirting anymore to my knowledge. I fully trust my boyfriend 100%, I know he would never cheat or do anything behind my back. He’s amazing and kind and respectful and did everything right in the situation without me having to ask. He would tell me immediately when J would send the occasional message or meme, and I felt guilty for it because I don’t want him to feel like he has to justify every interaction he has with a friend. But I still cant help feeling jealous of J. Again I fully trust that my boyfriend is over his feelings, and he tells me so. I don’t have a problem with them being friends but I still feel insecure about J. Bf tells me J still wants to meet me and be my friend but I don’t know if I can do that without feeling insecure about my myself around him- I can’t help but feel inferior to him.
Honestly I’m not sure what to do or how to move forward with this. I don’t want to resent someone who wants to be my friend and has a great connection with my boyfriend but I don’t know how to deal with my own insecurities about this. I’d appreciate any advice.
TL;DR: Long term bf who is amazing developed a small crush on a new friend, told me and cut contact immediately, got over the crush and now they’re friends again but I still feel insecure- like the guy he crushed on is somehow better than me in every way. How do I move past this/ deal with my insecurities regarding the situation?
3 comments
You have all rights to be upset honestly. He said he’d cut contact and then started talking to him again. Sure he might say the crush is gone but there’s always a chance it could come back and that’s not fair to you.
I may be exaggerating here but it’s like saying he almost cheated with a friend and will cut contact but now is talking again but promises they won’t cheat
This is hard. I would personally meet the friend. A lot of fear/anxiety comes from lack of information. I think meeting them might help alleviate part of it, and help establish that he isn’t a threat to an anxious brain. Also, I think it would help him contextualize your boyfriend as a someone committed with a partner rather than just an online dude he used to have a crush on. Just my two cents.
Also – kudos to you and your boyfriend for talking this out and for you to give this guy the benefit of the doubt and to trust your partner. Takes guts and a lot of emotional maturity.
So jealousy is a feeling and feelings can be managed. One thing that definitely does not help though is trying to be a “cool guy” about it and suppress everything.
Firstly: admit that you’re still jealous to your BF. That doesn’t mean you’re forcing him to cut off the friendship, you’re just sharing your feelings. One thing that can help with jealousy issues is reassurance, so give your BF a chance to reassure you. Another thing that often helps is meeting the person. J. is just a guy at the end of the day. Most likely you’ve built him up in your head a lot. He’s a person with flaws just like everyone else. Once you get to know him a bit it can help make him more human. I’d advise you to talk with your BF about this meeting and what worries you have so that he can support you, and then just go for it. Hopefully you can establish a friendship that includes you and normalizes to a fully platonic one that way.
Your boyfriend chose you over J and continues to do so every day. There’s no reason to believe J is better than you in any significant way, it’s just your insecurities talking.