Incoming long post I apologize beforehand. So the back story is I’m not really in to relationships like that I think people view them through these rainbow colored glasses as this magical experience which it definitely can be 100%, but just the way I was brought up my whole experience with love has been nothing but extreme trauma and pain whether its from my parents or otherwise. Love in all shapes has been unkind to me I have no relationship with my parents due to extreme trauma and abuse as a child and only one relationship which she left me for someone who she is now married to. So through depression and suicide I found ways to be happy with myself, pull my pants up get a good job move out of my parents house in to an apartment and I’m proud of that. My sister and friends girlfriends have always told me I am attractive and girls want to talk to me but I’ve been single so long and happy living my life I don’t know how to even flirt or interact or pick up signs lol I’m blissfully ignorant so I’ve been single a long time.
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Fast forward to present time I’ve met this girl twice before so we’re not new just on friendly terms. I’m at a birthday party with my friends having a good time and she tells some mutual friends that she thinks I’m cute and wants to talk to me so my mutual friends knowing the last thing I’m gonna do is walk up to her and talk tell her to initiate. She happily does so which completely threw me off guard she just walks up to me follows me around the party, clearly wants to talk to me more, accidental physical contact you all know how it goes. I’m a complete noob to all this but I try to just play along see how it goes. She asks for my number at the end of the night and I ask her to dinner a week later, dinner went great and we see each other a few more times with outings with friends or just kickin it at her spot or mine. After about 2 weeks she leaves for Paris which I knew was happening beforehand so in my head I want to see how this time apart goes since we’re very new and if all goes well I’ll ask her to be my girlfriend when she comes back. Fast forward another 2 weeks and I believe it’s good it’s obviously hard with the time difference and work etc but we talk everyday goodnight good morning etc she’ll drunk call me so I’m thinking we’re making the best of it. Some things happen like her cat dies etc gets sick and I get really busy at work and she said she is having trouble balancing being on vacation in paris and boston and the time difference to talk to me and I’m obviously busy with work so she wants to take a break until she comes back and we can talk about a foundation and if we want to continue seeing each other. It hurts but I understood and said that it’s okay. She made it a point to say I did nothing wrong at all and she wants to talk to me when she is back and that if I didn’t want to see her she would understand but she really tried to make it clear I did nothing wrong and she just needs the time and wants to see me when she’s back.
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She said she’d be back in about 2 and a half weeks and in 5 days it’ll be a month since then.. We obviously haven’t talked since the break but I just don’t know how to feel really. She told me originally she didn’t buy a return ticket but I can’t tell if she’s just not interested in me anymore.. or I know she’s still out there so maybe she’s just taking some extra time to enjoy herself before coming home but the anxiety is just killing me of not knowing, I just don’t know what to do I feel like I should give her the chance to explain when she does come back. I was happy to I want to be happy I want to feel like I deserve to be loved to and I should be mature and hear her out but at the same time like am I just being an idiot? I don’t know… Being single for so long I definitely do not miss this anxiety and my stomach being in a knot 24/7 but I want to give it a chance.
Thank you for your input everybody!