Recently decided to maybe start getting into dating, and when I started discussing my plan with a friend they were shocked I was planning to date multiple people simultaneously. This always made perfect sense to me, but I am a bit of a Sheldon haha.
There are so many people in the world how can you possibly commit your limited time to just one at a time, seems highly inefficient, statistically speaking. I’m not talking about hooking up with them, just simultaneously meeting (separately) multiple people for coffees or whatever and getting to know them, then discarding the ones that aren’t a good fit and replacing, rinse repeat, until you find one that you might feel comfortable focusing your greater efforts on? Am I nuts or is my friend nuts?
Will people get upset if I tell them? Like, sorry you’re not all that special at the end of the day and neither am I, just trying to find the best possible fit not the first schmuck I stumble into that gets my biochemistry going!
What does reddit think.
7 comments
Rule of thumb: Don’t ask, don’t tell.
This may seem a bit cold and calculated but it works for me. People flake all the time or it just doesn’t end up working out for various reasons, so why would I waste precious time by just talking to one person at a time when I know statistically speaking it will take a while to find someone to mesh with? People wouldn’t do that with job applications so why not do the same with something that’s even more intimate and arguably more important? As long as you aren’t being messy about it i.e mixing up details, double booking dates, etc. it should be fine. Find a threshold for your rotation and don’t pass the overall number but feel free to swap and drop people as you see fit till you find the one.
That being said, I wouldn’t say anything to your dates about dating around. Not because I support secrecy but it’s one of those situations where what you’re doing isn’t technically wrong but it’s still uncomfortable to hear even if y’all haven’t mentioned exclusivity. They don’t need to know about it unless they ask you directly to which I’d remind them we aren’t exclusive until we both mutually agree to be. If you need to drop them then just say you aren’t feeling it and don’t go into too many details.
if you want to make your life a living hell go right ahead,
do all these other people know you are dating other people while dating them?
if not then you most likely will have to remember a few sets of lies to cover your track thus making your life a lot harder than it needs to be.
The only people who are going to be mad at this is people who don’t do it because they think they’re like morally superior. My assumption, especially when using dating apps, is that EVERYONE is doing this. Dating apps have made people realize how many options are out there and it’s just true. It would be crazy to think that the people you’re dating simultaneously aren’t doing the same lol. Just have fun with it and you don’t need to disclose details unless a conversation comes up about it in my opinion. If someone asks me, I’ll tell them.
I think a fair number of people do this and more so when it comes to first dates. When I’m on apps I have been matching, chatting and planning dates with several people at the same time. Is this what you mean? Maybe it’s different if you’re meeting someone not through apps.
The thing is, in my experience, I barely even ended up doing it simply because of flaking, ghosting etc. So then I just ended up going on the one date with one person.
I don’t like talking to people for ages anymore either before meeting so perhaps that has something to do with it. I want to meet up and see if there’s any connection and then go from there.
When it comes to first dates I don’t think you need to be telling people this. If you are going on multiple second, third and beyond dates then my opinion changes.
That is how more people *should* date. They shouldn’t put all their eggs in one basket and settle for someone they are putting on a pedestal in their kind. They aren’t seeing the reality, get attached too soon before really getting to know someone and block out all other options. Putting all your efforts and energy into one person in the beginning only for them to flake, not be a good match/don’t vibe, or aren’t looking for the same thing is wasted time. You’re doing it right. More people should follow down that path and people would be less upset if it doesn’t workout or be less attached.
Personally, I think comparing humans is a bad idea and just leads to disappointment. Comparison is the death of joy after all. Personally I think it is better to go one by one an deciding whether you see yourself being content being with them longterm, only moving to the next one if the former has been concluded. You’re only looking for one person after all.
I also noticed that people who try to do things because they seem efficient tend to just rush through everything and don’t give things proper time to be done well, wasting a lot of time in the process. So I don’t think it is a smart thing to do in that regard either.
You wouldn’t be the first to do it though. Some will get upset of course.