Please help me understand this. It’s an argument we’ve been having for a while (we’ve been together for 6 years).
He can’t handle stress well at all. He tends to lash out, meltdown…various reactions depending on what the issue is. But at the same time, he seems to seek out higher stress situations (becoming involved in things that he doesn’t have to be involved in, making a mid-life career change to a higher stress job, not planning anything out that would help remove some stress, etc). So I already understand his stressed-out behaviour. However…
He tends to frequently freak out at me when he’s stressed. And not just venting TO me, but venting AT me. I end up getting upset and reacting to this, which then causes him to get more annoyed with me for “making his life worse” during these situations. As a side note, I am always very agreeable, help as well as I can, etc. It doesn’t make any difference.
But even if he is stressed out, he usually will control it around others (ex: friends, strangers, co-workers). A recent situation: he needed help setting something up and I had to work that day. As a side note, I usually dread helping him with stuff like that because he is stressed and I usually end up being insulted/yelled at/whatever. So he paid the girl who cleans the house once a week to spend a few hours helping him.
When I came home they were still setting it up. And I saw that the usual things that go “wrong” in these situations were happening (minor easy-to-fix things). But instead of freaking out, he was making jokes, laughing, etc.
I made mention of it later. The way he acted with her was in stark contrast to how he acts with me when he’s stressed out. He said he was stressed out, but that of course he’ll be more at ease freaking out around me and that he isn’t going to yell at/freak out at an acquaintance.
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I feel that he treats me harshly and it’s starting to make me question everything. To me, if you are actually in love with someone, you treat them with more kindness. Even if you’re stressed, you still would treat your love with softness. I’ve seen this many times with other couples. And I think I treat him that way…I don’t freak out at him. I don’t yell at him over minor mistakes or misunderstandings. Even when I’m stressed I wouldn’t start blaming him/yelling at him.
He says that the fact he feels comfortable being vulnerable and freaking out at me when he’s stressed means he is in love with me. That he would never feel that level of comfort around other people.
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I just have no idea what to think about this. Does this ring true?
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tldr: partner freaks out at me when he’s stressed but manages to control himself around others.
10 comments
He wants to be able to squeeze you like you’re a human stress ball. You’ve seen that he can control it so he’s choosing to be a jerk to you because it works better for him. I’m on your side, you should treat someone you love with more kindness and consideration and dude needs some therapy or anger management if you’re going to stick around.
I wouldn’t try to argue with his logic. I’d stand firm on the stance of “I don’t like being treated this way, and for us to be able to communicate effectively and work together on solutions, I need you to be able to manage your stress when we talk. The way things are going isn’t working for me.”
If he needs to vent in order to manage his stress, you can tell him that the way he’s currently doing it isn’t working for you, and he can either find another outlet, or find a new form of stress relief with you that you’re more okay with.
>He says that the fact he feels comfortable being vulnerable and freaking out at me when he’s stressed means he is in love with me.
No…it means you put up with it.
This is called abuse and he’s using some nonsense to justify.
As a partner, it makes more sense to say “I love you the most, so I would never want to hurt you.”
This is very common, actually. It doesn’t make it right, but it’s very common.
People know they need to be civil to their boss, friends, neighbors, veterinarian, hair dresser, etc. or they will be fired/cut off.
People often lash out at their spouse/partner because they feel “safe” and that the relationship is unconditional. In a weird (and unhealthy) way, it is an indication that he ultimately feels that you are his most loved person he feels safest with.
I think a ***little bit*** of that is normal in just about every romantic relationship from time to time, but it’s not ok to constantly lose control and verbally punch your partner in the face.
You are right to address this with him. It sounds like some couples therapy may be helpful not just for each of you to understand the others’ position, but also to help learn new skills that will break this cycle.
That’s an incredibly honest comment from your SO. That he was nicer to her, and is harsher around you, because he’s at ease freaking out around you. For you guys to have gotten to this point in only 6 years is actually a big deal.
now, you can let him know that if he were to spare you his “freak outs” and be careful of your feelings like he was for her, that would be a great help to you. It may take saying this for a year for it to sink in. To me, this is a very big breakthrough and could lead to a calmer existence for you.
He’s in ‘baby boy tantrum mode’.
He is MUCH too old for that.
It’s abusive.
He feels comfortable treating you like crap because he has no respect for you. End the relationship.
My father was like this. I grew up learning how to mind his moods, watching him throw tantrums and listening to him be awful to my mother any time something wasn’t to his liking. In public, he was perfectly even tempered and kind, coached sports teams, was very popular, etc and it made my mother feel very isolated.
My boyfriend has never treated me poorly over a bad mood. He dealt with this in a past relationship too and has occasionally marveled at how I treat him kindly when things go awry.
Don’t tolerate being treated badly.
He is using you as a punching bag. It’s part of patriarchal conditioning that assigns women as the sponges that absorb male aggression and violence.
You don’t need to put up with verbal abuse. You can leave.
If you can’t leave at this point, at the very least go to couples counseling.