I’m 36. I have a remote job that I don’t hate but don’t love. My wife blindsided me with a divorce at the end of last year. I’ve since moved cities and I’m living alone in an apartment. I going to therapy and trying getting out of the house ~5 nights a week trying to be social.
I’m just not feeling it anymore. The only thing I’m looking forward to is possibly an early grave. Beyond that it feels like I’m just biding my time here until I die one way or another.
Is this a midlife crises? Am I just burnt out? Have any of you guys been there and successfully dug yourself out of this pit?
20 comments
Got divorced at 36. Moved back home with my parents. It was a blessing in disguise because my dad passed 2 years later a year after I got remarried at 38. Living my best life, way richer than I ever was, own my own home. Life couldn’t be better.
Check t levels
We are a social species. You need connection/community.
Also try meds. They can help lift the clouds with minimal to no side effects (it’s really person to person). A good prescriber is life changing. It’s like like didn’t realize it was cloudy until you start and then wonder why you suffered for so long. And it’s not a life long thing if that concerns you. Sometimes a few weeks or months is enough to get into better patterns and then you’re good.
Burnt out. Been here nearly exact position with a “not the father” twist. I’m currently about 3 feet away from the surface in terms of digging myself out of the hole. What the issue is simply is you’re forcing yourself. Instead of just throwing yourself out there.. take care of you. Find things that make you happy.
I go work out cause I enjoy feeling like I’ve made progress with my weight. I’m a heavy set guy ngl and working out helps me not remember my life has been total hell the last decade and a half. I focus on looking forward to things I enjoy doing or possibly enjoy doing. My brother as an example loves fishing. The man damn near cries when it’s time to go to work. 3 separate broken families cause people are totally insane these days. But you give that man a pole and a place where there COULD be fish.. the man is the picture of peace and tranquility.
I’m using a lot of words to really just say find things that make you happy and see how everything will change when you really love yourself.
You just got divorced. You’re almost certainly depressed. Get some help.
You are what you think. Pay attention to your thoughts.
Desires and attachment are often seen as the causes of suffering. When we crave something, we become attached to it, and when we don’t get what we want, we suffer.
I’m so sorry brother. I was there at your age but the wife and I reconciled. But it was super rough. And I have not quite been the same since, but still far happier now.
Go do some new things. If it’s not people you’re interested in, do things that you’ve always wanted to do. I started martial arts at 36 and have loved it since, now in my mid 40s. I also take care of my body way more than 99% of the population, doing something active everyday.
I recommend just accepting you’re going to rebuild. Learning how to ‘suck’ again at anything can be frustrating, but what keeps us young I think has a lot to do with our curiosity for new things and our hunger to keep growing.
My mid life hit me hard as well and what I came out on the other side was such a wonderful human I just love. Consider this a break from all expectations. Just live and explore. Good luck brother. You’re in my thoughts.
Sounds like depression. Lack of job fulfillment, divorce, the monotony of life, all of these things can crush the spirit. Most people go through some form of this in their life. The answers are many and varied depending on who you talk to. Therapy is a good start. Won’t change you over night but give it time, give yourself a break, and you will find ways to move forward which will give you a renewed sense of life. Being social is also a good move. Make sure to find a few great friends who you can share everything with. Don’t give it all away to your job. Make sure to do some things you love. Not for money, but because you enjoy the process. I’m gonna be that person and say it, get outdoors if you can. Camping renews my soul and helps me be grateful for what I have. It also made me see how much I can get wrapped up in life. In nature, none of that matters. Speaking of gratitude, find it. Practice it. Find perspective. We are all insane, living out these strange lives worrying about stuff that doesn’t really matter. Life is ridiculous. Have a laugh. I was chronically depressed at 45. I’m now one of the happiest grounded people around at 50. You got this.
You’re severely depressed. Are you getting any treatment besides therapy?
I think this is more of a “first time up to bat in the big leagues” situation than midlife crisis. Not looking forward to things you don’t want to do isn’t a detriment, it’s a blessing. You can do just about anything you want. Hindsight is twenty twenty. Try doing whatever you choose to do in such a way that you’ll appreciate having done it.
Any hobbies? I’ve never married, I work hybrid and I really only see friends a couple times a year when we take a trip together. I focus on saving for early retirement, my health and my hobbies.
>and trying getting out of the house ~5 nights a week trying to be social
This seems like a lot, especially if you’re going out alone or with people you aren’t close to yet. I think your theory that you’re burnt out is correct.
Get some rest. Allow yourself to slow down.
Same here. Don’t like my job but it pays the bills. Love my wife but I don’t see a future where we live but her home country, Australia, is ridiculously expensive and I’m not sure how I’ll adapt to life there. We’re not financially secure so not ready to have a kid. My friends here are all richer and I generally avoid hanging out with them too much as I’m aiming to fit within a budget.
Sounds like you have it way tougher, man. I feel bad for you. At the same time, things can only improve from rock bottom. Don’t look forward to an early grave. You’re not even halfway through your life with the pace of medical advancement. Stay strong!
I’m in a very similar funk.. same age, working remote, living alone, unmotivated to really do anything other than exist. Haven’t dated or attempted to be social in a while other than drinking in bars. I have found motivation at other times in life. Trying to do it right now but it’s a struggle. Feels like maybe I need Ritalin or something.
Sir, I’ve been there since I was 22( I’m 46 now) and I’ve got an ex wife and a soon to be ex wife as soon as I can sack away some $, twin autistic boys and a mother in law who hates any male that isn’t genetically related to her. You just put one foot in front of the other. I refuse to quit smoking cigarettes because my wife hates it and I’m hoping for cancer so someone has to take care of me like I’ve had to take care of everyone else. It’s also the reason I don’t exercise I’m hoping for a heart attack for the same reason
Shit has piled up on you in a hurry, but even from this we can see you’re moving forward amd digging h yourself out. Look after your health, it’s too easy to slip into very poor habits. Maybe schedule some things so there’s no debate whether you want to be active Monday martial arts class, Tuesday gym erc. No debate, you’re going. Action will inspire action
Won’t be easy but you’ve got this.
I’m on the same boat as you – I’m the same age, and I too was blindsided with a divorce. I feel very lost too. I want to get healthy, but it’s like there is no fire for it, no real want. I have no energy to face my cravings, and the only things I really want is food, love and cuddles. Since I can’t get the first two, I think I go overboard in the first one. I am getting therapy, and trying to find an available psychiatrist. It’s tough out there. But you’re not the only one, and that means you’re not alone.
As counter intuitive as it may sound, one of the things that has helped me is to be helpful to other people. It has done some good.
I’m sorry I can’t provide better words, but if you need to talk, you can send me a chat request and I will listen. Much strength to you, brother.
I’m not at the level of despair you were at, but I have felt it before. Among other things, I was able to realize I still had a lot going for me; still a lot to look forward to.
You might need a camping trip. Meditation. Embrace the discomfort and let your wounds heal.
About the divorce, it’s worth exploring how your communication was with your wife. How’s your communication with rest of your circle.
You should not have been blind sided. You should know if your partner is about to leave you.
currently burned out. no solution. therapy can only help you cope but not solve a problem
buy a motorcycle. get a game that is addictive and time consuming. thats how i cope with it