He asked for a break and said he needs time away from me.
He said he felt forced to do certain things and doesn’t understand how I measure how much he cares.
He also mentioned that he fears for his emotions and is in a tug of war over the person he is and the person he thinks I deserve.
I even asked that on the days he doesn’t feel like communicating he could atleast send a morning or goodnight text, and still that seemed alot.
He is a Dissmissive Avoidant attatchment so his behaviour makes sense but why couldn’t he just try compromise. I feel like I was nagging him to a point of him feeling like whatever he tried didn’t mean anything.
I’m so hurt and I’m not sure he’s coming back. He became so cold the last week we talked. It’s painful but I’m practicing no contact since he said he wants a break.
I just wonder how some people keep going days without communicating to their lover and still feel assured that they care.
2 comments
So, first of all, truth is that if someone cares about you today, they probably won’t stop tomorrow. This is something that can be said and felt by people who are in a secure relationship and are able to compromise between alone time and together time.
What generally happens between two secure people in a relationship is that they generally (and I underline generally, because every relationship is different) have a somewhat daily communication, some days can be more intense and some days less. And then there can be some days where for whatever reason someone needs some alone time and the other part understands it and gives it to them.
When there are two people instead with different attachment styles, one anxious and one avoidant for example, what can be done is working on it. On the relationship and on oneself.
The avoidant one should try and understand where the anxious one is coming from and try to approach the isolating days with some care like even a simple message. The anxious one should try and understand that it is not about them and giving some space for a day or two to them won’t magically change their perspective on the relationship.
If everyone is willing to collaborate, a situation like this can get better. If even one of the two is not willing to, there’s nothing that can be done really. No one can force anyone to be better or to even change for them.
“His behaviour makes sense for his personality type but why couldn’t he just do what I want?”
I mean, why couldn’t you just compromise? How much is a good-morning or good-night text really benefitting your life?
If you want to be with somebody who gives you daily communication then go and date somebody who also wants that, don’t try to change somebody else. I don’t need to communicate daily with somebody I’m with because honestly it’s ok to have a life and the relationship just be part of that life rather than the other way around, there was a time before mobile phones when people didn’t have the facilities for constant contact, and relationships lasted longer as a result. He’s done the right thing breaking things off, you are clearly not willing to compromise and therefore you’re not compatible.