So, today was the first day me 20F and my boyfriend 23M both went to work since moving into our new apartment, I lived with him for over a year at his parents house prior to this. Now – this happened all in one day; this morning I forgot to bring my lunch to work, he drives past my work on his way to work so I asked him if he could drop it off. He only drops off one part of it (despite me typing exactly what was in my lunch and it all being sat on top of eachother in the fridge), when he leaves he forgets to pick up laundry he left at his mums the third day in a row (I end up grabbing it for him after work, I also grab some nice bread, for my lovely soup I’m looking forwards to). When he gets home he for lunch he preps the soup in the slow cooker (which we shopped for ingredients for together) I’ve made this soup with him or in front of him multiple times. I told him that morning exactly what ingredients to put in it, and where to find a similar recipe if he needed help. He forgot to add carrots, used the wrong onions, used all of the coconut milk carton I bought for my coffee instead of the tin of cooking coconut milk, didn’t add the right seasonings. When I got home I tried the soup and it tasted like shit. I then noticed he hadn’t done any laundry today, in fact he hasn’t done any laundry in well over a week. had walked through our no shoes home with mud on his shoes and he had not hoovered, didn’t open any blinds, and my plants had not been moved back onto the windowsill, so they’re all drooping. (he is the one that insists to move them overnight so we can shut the blinds, so I told him if I leave before him to open them and put them back). I had to trust him to do this shit because I was at work ALL DAY. He works half a day in the evening. And side note – every couple of weeks I work a 65 hour week. I often do 14 hour shifts. I NEED him to do things around the house. It’s not fair. I actually felt quite stressed out by the thought of him preparing food and being in the house all day without me. I felt so fucking angry and I just cried. I text him saying I was really pissed off and I don’t understand what is wrong with him. Obviously this isn’t the first time this has happened. He’s fucked up so many things during this move after being given clear instructions on what to do. I always feel like I can’t rely on him to get anything right, and I just feel anxiety when I have to rely on him to do things around the house. I know I sent him a horrible message, he hasn’t responded or came home yet. Am I too particular about things? Or are these feelings valid?
For people saying he’s not had a chance to ‘adult’ yet, he moved out of his parents house for three years to attend university
Just wanna add that during this past week moving house, he has a made loads of trips moving things and taken all out rubbish to the tip, he also cleaned out his wardrobe, and set up his tv and ps5. Just hasn’t done any cleaning, unpacking, organising or laundry. Also hasn’t move out all his things from parents house.
**TL;DR** boyfriend always fucks up simple instructions or does half a job. I lost my shit at him over text and am now wondering if I am overacting, or if he does really have problems doing things around the house.
**UPDATE**
When he came home last night he didn’t say anything to me, until I told him to grab his washing from my car. He then brought up the text I sent him so I told him firmly that I was not putting up with this shit and that I need him to be able listen to me, and take initiative when needed. I said it’s not even a week since we’ve moved in, and he’s not been pulling his weight. (Granted, I could’ve tipietoed around it and been more gentle, but this conversation has happened a few times now, and I’m trying to be as direct as possible now) He said how he was so busy today, he said that the mud on the floor everywhere wasn’t from him, and my instructions weren’t clear. He also said that he did loads today, and does loads around the house that I just don’t see. I ask what, he says he cleaned the toilet today. I look at the toilet. It’s not clean. He says he put toilet cleaner down it, because there were skid marks. I literally laughed in his face. HE STUCK BLEACH DOWN THE TOILET ON HIS OWN SKID MARKS, AND COUNTS THAT AS HOUSEWORK. I told him how ridiculous this is. He got angry and tried to turn things around on me, and ended up saying that I could also be a better partner. Every single time I have ever bought up an issue I have with HIS behaviour in our relationship, he will counter that with a similar issue that I have. I challenged this, and asked him why tf he only brings up problems he has with me when I am trying to talk to him about *him*. At this point I was pissed off and he said I was being really unsupportive and that he’s just tired and struggling (ect ect same answer he always has). He said that he’s always there for me, and doing things for me, but I’m *never* there for him. This also just pissed me right off, I always do things for him, I clean the whole house, do his laundry, cook meals. He just doesn’t even see it. I suffer from anxiety and will have panic attacks and very rarely will find myself in a state of burnout where I let shit slip at home for a few days, but I always pick myself back up, and he never actually keeps on top of laundry or tidying if I am slacking, he will just say it’s not his stuff?????. He does help me when I’m struggling, but it’s like, he’ll make me a cup of tea, and run a bath or something, maybe run to the shop to buy stuff. I do similar stuff for him without being asked, just because. But he says I’m not a good partner?? He doesn’t even see it. Wtf is wrong with him. I was very firm and just said I am disappointed in him, to which he responded with crying, when I just looked at him with a blank expression he told me I was cold. I just walked away and ran myself a bath. He always cries during conflict, and that’s usually where it ends. It literally reminds me of a child that doesn’t know how to use their words. After this he calmed down a bit and apologised (again this is usually what happens) and then we went to bed, I tried to talk about it a bit more, but he just shut it down and said he’s tired and he’ll talk tomorrow. (This is code for I don’t wanna talk about this, and we won’t talk about this tomorrow unless I am forced, to which my response will be the same, and I’ll end up loosing me shit at you and crying at the end of it). I just don’t know what to do. He acts like everything is normal and fine, if I never bring this up again he will never bring this up again. He never comes to me with any issues about anything, it’s like he just doesn’t actually think deeply about our relationship enough to even come up with issues, it’s like he’s blind to his behaviour and to my emotions.
25 comments
Google “weaponized incompetence”.
Regardless if he’s doing it on purpose or not, he is not being a supportive partner you can rely on. That’s the bottom line. Talk to him about your worries. You can’t count on him. Hopefully he never has children. Is he willing to get an assessment done to see if something neurological is going on, and is he willing to take a close look at himself? If not, I probably wouldn’t stay.
Weaponized incompetence. He’s not sorry. He doesn’t want to fix it. He wants to exist with zero expectations from you.
What I believe he is demonstrating is strategic incompetence. He believes you will do it if he ignores it or doesn’t do the task properly.
If this isn’t the case, he may have a brain tumour or some organic brain damage, which I highly doubt.
If he says he doesn’t know how to do these things, then you can tell him he needs to not only do these things, but do them well. The internet has all the information he need to learn these task, well.
I suggest you sit him down and tell him if this happens again, he needs to move out and learn these things on his own, and that does not mean moving into his parent’s home and having his mother do it. After he has moved out and if he continues to do an inadequate job in these areas, you will not stay at his place, and he is not welcome to live with you, where he can develop a cycle of living with you when his place is a pig sty and you are left to clean up his mess at your home or have to complete things he leaves for you to do, because…
You can tell him, if this behaviour continues [and you ask him to leave your shared abode], and things don’t improve at his place, you will not continue the relationship with him until his behaviour improves to a satisfactory level, as you want a supportive, equal partner, not one that expects you to do most of the work in the relationship and home. And if he takes too long and refuses to be an equal partner, don’t expect that you will wait forever.
You’re not too particular and your feeling are valid. This bullshit is not going to end, I suggest you decide whether you can tolerate being his mother long term or you leave.
You know what weaponized incompetence is, you’ve said…open your eyes and recognize it in your life.
Who was doing this stuff when you lived with his parents?
Also, please tell me there wasn’t laundry at his mom’s house because he won’t do his own laundry. You said later he didn’t do the laundry at home either. “Not knowing how” to do laundry is a classic example of weaponized incompetence.
This dude is a baby man who want you to have to do all the work and take care of him. Run for your life.
This sounds like weaponized incompetence. The goal of that is to half ass everything so badly that you give up and just never ask him to do anything. Then you end up doing all the work and he reaps all the benefits from the relationship.
Send him an article on it and ask what he thinks about it.
Why are you doing this to yourself? YOU’RE 20.
Welp. You see how he is now, it very likely will not get better
Either decide to stay and continue to fester in upset and resentment,.or.live your own life, blissfully and stress free
He “did the best he could” is very telling. He’s basically saying “this is as good as it’s ever going to get.” So do you want to spend your life putting up with this useless baby man?
If he’s never lived alone and his mom did everything for him (and it sounds like she did if he can’t follow basic instructions) then you guys cannot exist as a couple when it comes to household stuff and you guys need to exist as roommates until he can learn to be responsible enough to cohabitate respectfully. This means setting household rules that you both follow. And put it on the fridge. Go as far as to make it erasable so that you can check it off each day. If he’s going to cook then he needs to be able to cook stuff he can until he can learn to cook more things with more ingredients. If you want to make elaborate soup then you make the soup yourself. Get him to make tacos or a simple chicken dish or something basic that he can learn from. You don’t have to look at this like being his mom, but like someone who loves him that is going to help teach him how to do some stuff that his mom didn’t teach him. He might have ADD or ADHD. You might need to be very specific about things so instead of saying please grab my lunch from the fridge make sure that you list off the things that he needs to get. Be patient, and be very clear. Good luck.
It doesn’t matter why it’s happening – what matters is it’s driving you crazy. He’s not the one for you.
Does this behavior only come out in his personal life or with things having to do with you/your relationship? Things that you may think are important, but he doesn’t?
Has he been fired from multiple jobs? This type of forgetfulness or incompetence would get someone cut loose from any job in no time. If he isn’t like this at work, it’s because he IS CAPABLE of doing things right, but he is CHOOSING to not put in the same effort for you.
Leave him. He can give you nothing that you can’t easily get on your own or with someone else. He’s holding you back and dragging you down. You won’t be able to count on him for anything, ever. It will always be in the back of your mind that whatever you ask of him will be met with the same crushing disappointment.
Source: years of the exact same experience
My guess is he has ADHD.
I’ve been married to a man like your BF for over 30 years. Sweetest guy on the planet, but this shit never gets better. Only you can decide if it’s a deal breaker.
The ONLY direction this goes is worse. Run!
You are not overreacting. You should be able to depend upon your partner.
You are absolutely doing the right thing by addressing this right out of the gate. Do not tolerate things you can’t live with at first- they will continue forever. Let him know from the beginning what you expect. You don’t have to make it a giant confrontation, but mention things in the moment in a kind way.
Yip he wants a mommy to do it all for him and is hoping that if he does it all badly enough for long enough you’ll simply stop asking him to do it. Win for him.
His behavior is 100 percent intentional especially after he manipulated you by saying he’d go homeless if you broke up with him.
Stop bailing him out. He’s likely half assing everything so you’ll get frustrated and just do everything instead. Just do your own laundry, not his. Make food for yourself, not him. If he can’t be a responsible adult for himself, he definitely wont be for you.
Run. Not that ppl can’t change but he is expecting a mommy in a relationship, someone to take care of him and do all the house work for him.
Weaponized incompetence.
Break up.
He will never change. He wants a mother in his relationship.
I’m surprised no one has said this yet, it sounds like he has adhd and/or some other form of neurodivergency. It doesn’t sound like he has ill intent. If it were weaponized incompetence he wouldn’t even try to do anything, he’d automatically pull out excuses for why YOU should just do it.
I have adhd myself and am incredibly forgetful and have incredible doubt of my skills. I get migraines so I often have brain fog and my competence isn’t always very good. This often causes me forgetting to do things or sometimes having trouble recognizing I missed something.
For example, it has happened where you go to troubleshoot an error and you didn’t even think of checking this one thing that ended up being the issue, which in the end, is very common. Or, you go to look for something and you can’t find it despite it being right in front of you. This obviously isn’t ideal, but it’s not a choice or lack of thinking it’s the fact that our brains are doing something out of our control.
This can be fixed. For me, I create lists. Multiples. I’m a visual person so I write things down, or keep notes in my phone. I double check things because I’m doubtful of my own memories and want to make sure things are correct. All of this includes taking a step back and giving yourself the time to analyze what we are doing. Folks with neurodivergency think super fast and we have to create energy just to remind ourselves to take a step back. It’s not automatic or intuitive. Think of it as if you had to remember, every time, how to specifically tie your shoe instead of “just doing it.” Grab the laces, tighten them, cross them, tie them in a knot, create a loop, wrap around loop with other lace, pull loop through, tighten. Because our brains think this way, it can be incredibly easy to overlook things. Also to add, we can even have issues recognizing bodily signals- needing to use the restroom, hunger, pain, illness. I have to often sit for a second and truly focus to know if I am hungry or need to use the bathroom. Often, I end up waiting until it’s a very obvious signal because I’m too mentally busy to recognize that signal.
I know you mentioned that he gets upset and cries when you mention it to him, but I’d bring it up also as a way to help him instead of it revolving around “you can’t do anything right” or “you aren’t doing what I tell you to do.” Again, it sounds like he’s trying. I may be totally incorrect but based off what I’ve read, it seems like it’s not intentional or due to carelessness. I’d brainstorm with him and work together on how he can improve things. Maybe it’s creating a list- or notes on how to do things. I’m very literal so having something in writing, especially how to do something or what to grab on behalf of someone else, is huge as it’s something I can refer back to. If someone shows me something but I don’t take notes- it’s lost.
If this does sound like him, it may be worth while having him work with a therapist to get tested and work with them on how to improve their life. I did, got diagnosed, I only went to therapy for maybe 6 months and that even helped a lot. Therapy isn’t a bad thing and can provide so much insight. It’s a non-bias perspective. It can help you think outside the box and over time you can rewire your brain a bit to think differently and remember to take a step back instead of just giving right in.
If everything I say is incorrect, then you gotta cut ties. If they aren’t willing to try, or put in the effort, that’s on them and the consequence is losing you. Also, stand your ground. Show him you mean it.
Edit: I read your update. Even after reading it, it still seems like he’s neurodivergent. One thing I learned in therapy too, is as much as we can feel upset in situations and while it’s valid to use “I feel” statements, they need to have a more “we” approach. What is it that he specifically needs from you to succeed? What are some specific instances of how something was done incorrectly? A lot of stuff may seem second nature is because as women we were taught it. Blame his parents for not properly teaching him. He legitimately has to be taught the right and wrongs of the world because men aren’t taught that growing up and they weren’t taught to care about it either. It may be annoying but show him how to clean the toilet, have him take a damn video on his phone and create a damn note with the video attached. Show him what you are seeing instead of telling. If after all this (or if you’ve previously done it – not a one time show you but an actual walkthrough and explanation of what you’re doing and why) he still is incapable, regardless of it he is neurodivergent, you gotta go.
Edit to add again: If you never properly communicate your expectations, they do not know about it. I am the same as you, if I’m slacking because of something I expect it to be done as long as that person is able to. But as said before, if they were never taught to care about certain things, they won’t do it unless they’re told specifically how and why. What seems like a big deal to you is not to him, and probably vise versa.
I’m not not making excuses for him, just trying to add some additional perspective and reasoning because he truly sounds like he has adhd. This is also a common adhd trait- we explain why we didn’t do something and it comes off as an excuse and trying to rid yourself of blame but it’s done to try and give perspective as to give you a better understanding as to why we did it and where our head was at as a way to clarify for the future and how to approach the situation correctly if we come across it again.
Even if he is neurodivergent, at the end of the day, you have to do what’s best for you. You’re not obligated to stay with him JUST because there’s now a reason for his behavior. I’d ask him more of the “walk me through your thought process” type questions / compromises / therapy to get a better idea of if he seems like he wants to try or not. If he seems genuine with wanting to stay and fix the relationship, I’d give it a shot, but if he has no intent to fix anything that’s on him.
I’ve read through your comments OP. You can do so much better. Do you really want to spend years and years teaching him to be an adult? I did this to some extent (it wasn’t nearly as severe as your case) and I can tell you it wasn’t worth it.