I know it is a common question and I should have no qualms answering it but let me share the backstory.
I am an Indian guy born and raised in India. However, I put my ethnicity as “other” even though Indian or South Asian is an option. Which is why this question pops up.
I put my ethnicity as “other” as I didn’t choose where I was born and who my parents were and I don’t think those details are relevant.
Currently, I live in a major city in a western country after spending some years in another western country.
My friends here are from all over the world. Since moving here 2 years back, I have dated a little bit, including people I have gone out with just once – Europeans, latinas and blacks. My only relationship in this city so far has been with an European woman. I have met my friends and potential romantic partners through events, classes and whatsapp groups that I was added to.
I am saying all this to emphasize that people outside the Indian / Asian community have more or less accepted me in this new city. When I share where I am from or people guess it based on my accent in English (I often speak other European languages in which my accent isn’t distinctly Indian) – their demeanour doesn’t change.
However, I am observing that it is really different online – on dating apps or even the whatsapp groups. When people ask me this question online before meeting me and I respond, they immediately stop communicating. It makes me really sad. Sometimes, when I face this question – I just stop responding. I am currently not on dating apps due to this but I was using them during the pandemic.
I asked my women friends about it and I learnt that at least on Tinder and Bumble – there are tons and tons of Indian guys, much more than are visible on the streets of this city. So my friends have started to almost instinctively filter out Indian guys.
The good news is that most of my social activities are offline and I am able to find new ones every couple of months or so.
However, there are challenges in dating people from overlapping social circles. This is often the case for people that I meet IRL and consider dating – they go to the same events that I do and often have the same friends -which makes dating really tricky.
Hence I would like to have the option of online dating as well.
And I get the viewpoint that I wouldn’t want to date the women who automatically filter out my ethnicity. However, the same women are accepting me with (literal) open arms when we meet IRL – so I am not so sure about that.
6 comments
Just say “Earth” and make it light. I think a good percentage of women won’t keep pressing.
You know what’s 10 times worse than being Indian on dating apps? Being ashamed of being Indian. You’re going about this the wrong way. Instead of hiding it you should flaunt it and be proud. Your first message to women should be a GIF of the Tunak Tun music video or a fancy Yoga pose.
Confidence is attractive. How can you get the respect of a woman when you don’t even respect yourself and are ashamed of who you are?
What you can’t change – you need to own and embrace
If it were me I would be most concerned with the super high likelihood that you have dietary restrictions, rigid religious beliefs, or possibly an extended family that is not as accepting of women of any other cultures being your future wife. It is wonderful to date in Western society when people are allowed to freely date and love who they love, it’s another thing to worry that we have vastly different values, differing metrics for our internal moral compasses, and different lifestyles (see: setting time aside to practice ones religion, observing modesty/dietary rules, all the way to enforcing traditional gender roles).
It is possible that these things are NOT applicable for you, which would be most welcome. Those are the things I would ask about IMMEDIATELY to understand if we’re compatible, but it would not be surprising if these were some assumptions being made about you. Correct or not.
So I feel bad for even saying this but you are sort of asking for advice and maybe it could be helpful?
Just like someone previously mentioned here; the Indian culture could be really off putting for a woman in modern society/western countries etc.
Indian men are at the top of the list of men I would never date. Because I would be terrified to risk falling for someone and then end up back in the stone ages where I am expected to care for three generations of people (in the same house) and cook and clean and get up at 4 in the morning to make chai for the men.
So if that’s not who you are, or what dating you would be like, you might wanna just own that and be upfront about it. Because I wouldn’t have a problem with an Indian man if I knew I wouldn’t end up in that situation, but no, I wouldn’t wanna risk it if I werent sure. So be upfront about where you’re from, while also being reassuring that you’re not looking for that kind of relationship. And I think it would be easier for you.
I’m white but I’ve noticed this trend.. Indians hiding where they’re from.
Why would anybody be anything other than open and proud of it?
Indians seem to have an inferiority complex.
In big international cities people are from everywhere. It’s an interesting talking point and it tells the person things about your culture which are very important parts of most people’s identity.
Be proud.
Why the self hate? Either way a girl will find out you are Indian eventually. If someone doesn’t like you then you just move on, you don’t need to pretend to be someone you are not.