Hi all, for context, I am a 37m dating a 32f. We have been in a relationship for 3 months. We have a good relationship and spend most nights at each other’s places even if we have separate plans. We’re both professionals and have very busy careers and workout together almost every day. Overall, our relationship has been great – we’ve taken weekend vacations, cook together, everything.
A couple of nights ago was the third time in the relationship that she had driven home very drunk (I was at my place waiting). Slurring words. Stumbling (just a little). Instantly fell asleep. I told her the first two times (when she seemed less intoxicated) that I was worried about her driving drunk and told her she could call me anytime to pick her up or Uber to her. Both times she said thanks, I’m OK, I will. However, as I mentioned, this third time was much worse. When I tried to talk to her about it, “Hey I was worried about you, I care about you. Please be safe and call me next time you feel like this.” She apologized and then said, “I’m not a kid I have control, I’m here now, and I’m safe.” But she was falling asleep, so we could not continue talking. We agreed to discuss the next day.
When I tried to talk about it again, she sort of withdrew from the conversation (which only lasted less than 5 minutes) and said that I was complaining, but she understood why, and she was sorry. Almost with the silent attitude of “Oh god this again.” Like I was a parent. I was very careful with my tone/words to not sound controlling, but regardless I believe this is very dangerous – especially since it’s 2023 and there are unlimited ways of getting home without driving drunk.
I don’t feel as though it got through to her. I really care about her, she’s a great person, and this has been an amazing relationship – but I don’t know what else to say to get through. I’m definitely a bit of an anxious person so besides the fact that she could get hurt or accidentally hurt someone else, I’m also worried.
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31 comments
Tell me someone is an alcoholic without telling me they are an alcoholic -esp the line of her getting defensive when you were concerned.
The: *”I’m not a kid I have control, I’m here now, and I’m safe.”*
She’s right, she’s not a child, but she’s behaving just like one and is going to get someone killed. I’m sure she’s driven drunk long before she met you. It’s nothing new and she has no issues with this, and will not change short of getting arrested and hitting rock bottom.
Honestly, the relationship isn’t going to work and you bringing it up to her will only push her away. She’s already getting annoyed and eventually she’s going to claim you are trying to control her.
You can like her all you want but she’s a drunk, and she doesn’t care.
Drunk driving is a serious issue, and it’s clear you’re worried for good reason. Maybe try framing it like, “I care about you too much to lose you to something so avoidable. Can we make a pact to always get a ride if we’re drinking?”
As u/otterboats said, she has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I won’t go so far as to label her alcohol dependent or an alcoholic as I’m not a doctor and don’t play one on TV.
But once is an oops (still not okay) and she’s done this 3 times in 3 months! She knows it’s wrong, she’s knows it’s a safety issue for herself and others, she knows it concerns you….SHE DOESN’T CARE!
Having someone like this in your inner circle or as a partner is just setting yourself up for trouble. She won’t call an Uber or you now but I bet she’ll call you when she loses her license and needs a lift. If you were married, the financial impacts can be huge. And if kids are in the future, you want her driving them around drunk?
The purpose of dating is to see if it’s a good fit. People aren’t projects. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. And then decide if that fits with your values and morals.
Seems to me you should cut this one loose.
I know this sub tends to jump to “leave your partner” but honestly, if she is not going to stop this behaviour, if she does get in an accident and hurt or kill someone, will you feel at all responsible? She is putting her own life and the lives of others in danger but also threatening to seriously mess you up if something happens to her or someone else. She’s a ticking time bomb. Either she gets help, or you should seriously consider walking away.
And if she’s not willing to get help with her alcoholism, I almost guarantee this is going to get worse in other ways.
Ask yourself if you’re able to be with someone who negligently, brutally killed another person, because—for all intents and purposes—she already did. She’s been getting lucky. She has extreme disregard for others’ lives.
So would you want to be sleeping with a murderer?
I know I wouldn’t. She’s an alcoholic if she habitually drinks like that and drives. It’s normal behaviour to her.
Give the police a heads up of her route next time you know she’s willfully driving drunk.
>I’m definitely a bit of an anxious person so besides the fact that she could get hurt or accidentally hurt someone else, I’m also worried.
So are you going to wait for her to kill herself or somebody else, or are you going to do something about it while you still can?
I don’t really care about your girlfriend, but I care about the other people she may kill. She’s doing this once a month that you know of. You’re not going to force her to develop empathy or care about the consequences of her actions. It’s only been 3 months, leave.
You don’t need to tell her anything else. If she does it one more time, end it.
She’s willing to murder someone man. My kids are out there. Don’t be stupid.
You leave.
She doesn’t care about her own safety, which means she *sure as hell* doesn’t care about you.
Give her the “oh shit” moment by breaking up with her. Drunk driving is unacceptable and you’re within your rights to report her for drunk driving. She won’t change without a huge push.
Honestly… if it happens again, call the police and get her charged with a DUI. Many, many people drive when they shouldn’t (alcohol, weed, other drugs, too tired, etc.) and it typically takes a real consequence to stop this behavior.
She’s being an asshole – I say this because every time she steps out drunk into a car she’s putting us ALL at risk. She’s playing with people’s lives. What happens if she hits a family returning from dinner? With kids?
In this day and age when getting a ride share as is easy as hell it is beyond me why she acts this way / completely an asshole move
She needs to grow the fuck up and act like a mature adult
Drunk driving three times in three months (that you’re aware of) and you’re still dating this out of control and horrible person?
How are you going to view yourself if you condone this (by staying with her) and she inevitably either seriously hurts someone or gets her stupid ass arrested and charged?
Wtf are you thinking?
She’s got a problem and it sounds like she’s not willing or able to stop. You’re only three months into this thing. I say cut your losses now. Find someone who doesn’t risk lives for their addiction.
Ask yourself how you will feel standing by her if and when someone is hurt or killed due to her actions. You will have stood by and accepted her excuses and minimized of her actions, essentially co-signing her “I’m fine, I’m in control” BS by letting her off the hook and nodding away this stuff rather than holding her accountable and taking a stand yourself. You already have for months. To me this level of disregard for others is a pretty disgusting character trait. I’d find it pretty hard to overlook. But even more, I’d be disgusted with myself if something did happen to someone else sometime when I could have said something or done something. I would absolutely end a relationship over something like this. Nobody is “great” except for their complete disregard for others.
My best friend in high school was killed by a drunk driver and her boyfriend who was in the car with her was left permanently disabled. I’m not you, but I would absolutely break up with someone who drinks and drives. I couldn’t be with someone who so casually disregards the safety of others and themselves. Alcoholics leave a trail of destruction wherever they go and you do not want to get caught up in their wake.
She is unbelievably reckless and careless with this behaviour. From the way your conversations have gone already, I doubt she is about to make any changes. So the question becomes what’s your limit? How much will you condone this behaviour?
“Accidentally hurt someone else”
If she’s getting in a car and driving drunk, especially *multiple times*, it is not an accident. It’s negligence and recklessness and injury or death is more than likely if she doesn’t stop. She’s actively risking innocent people on the road. Imo this needs to be an ultimatum and if you aren’t comfortable giving her one then leave. She could ruin your life, hers and other people’s forever in one night. It doesn’t seem like she’s gonna change anytime soon. I’m not saying she doesn’t need help, but from a relationship perspective, waiting for inevitable disaster is far from healthy or fair.
Yeah I simply wouldn’t date someone who does this.
So if she doesn’t stop then you need to, whenever she’s driving drunk, go ahead and call the police and tell them what car and that she’s driving drunk. I’ve known too many people taken or affected by drunk driving.
She’s an alcoholic. She’s going to have to want to change before she will change.
I think you need to be completely blunt and willing to walk away. She’s on a path to killing someone. I wouldn’t wait around to see that happen. Her drinking will begin to impact your relationship in other ways.
She has a drinking problem and there is nothing you can do or say to save her without her wanting to save herself. Her responses to your suggestions tells me what I think you should do and that is break up for your own sanity
You’re 37, she is 32. You are both adults. You should recognize that she is an alcoholic without having to be told, and you should also know by now that she’s not going to change unless she wants to. She doesn’t want to, it’s a matter of time before she seriously injures herself or murders someone else while driving drunk. Once was too many times. 3 times in such a short relationship??? This is obviously normal for her. Get out now
She’s an alcoholic who will unalive someone. Tell her if it happens again you’ll report her for drunk driving
Bluntly, with an ultimatum because this is something you do not allow or accept. Drunk driving is deciding to get into a vehicle with the intention of killing someone.
A drunk driver who has BAC of 0.10 – 0.14 is *48* *times* more likely to get into an accident than a sober driver. A drunk driver who has BAC of 0.05 – 0.09 is *eleven* times more likely to get into an accident compared to a normal sober driver.
It’s estimated that 273000 people die every year from drunk drivers, just so you know. She will murder or disable someone.
“Hey GF, if you drink and drive ever again I will dump you instantly. If you have a problem with this I will dump you instantly”
Your GF is an alcoholic.
Someone who makes drinking such a priority in their life that they drive while drunk routinely is an alcoholic, full-stop. Alcoholism comes in MANY forms, and this is one of them.
How else WOULD you label an alcoholic besides someone who drinks to the point where they danger their own life and the life of EVERYONE ELSE around them?
You need to be searching an alcoholism sub for more specialized advice.
You would consider someone with 3 DUIs within 3 months an alcoholic no? Just because she got away with 3 DUIs and never got caught does not mean she’s not an alcoholic.
I lost my best friend of almost 14 years to drunk drivers. Two separate drunk drivers. One she was on a vehicle with and the other hit her when she was off the vehicle. You are not a “good person” when you actively make the choice to drink and drive when other options always exist. If you can afford to drink, you can afford an Uber. Your girlfriend is actively choosing to take the increased risk of killing someone, be it herself or others, and that’s not okay. What will you do when she kills someone? Will you hold her hand and tell her it’s okay that she chose to drink and drive and it’s okay that she took an innocent persons life so she could have fun?
Easy, you approach it by breaking up with her, simple as that. This is the third time she’s done this in 3 months of dating. As yourself, do you want to be in a relationship with someone that irresponsible and careless? Would you have started dating her if you knew she occasionally drove home drunk?
There’s a woman who has been posting on Twitter about her family who was killed by a selfish asshole who chose to drive drunk. Your gf is a selfish asshole and is gonna kill someone if she’s not stopped. Call the Police on her the next time you know she’s out drinking. If she dumps you, oh well, but maybe if she is charged with a DUI she’ll finally get it.