My (20M) bisexual boyfriend (19M) wants to break up in order to stay in the closet

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 months. Originally we were aquaintances which turned in to friendship and then quickly in to a romantic relationship.

Since the beginning it was clear that from an sexual identity standpoint we were at different levels. I am a gay man and I have been out of the closet for a few years with my supportive family knowing about it and living far away from them in a different city. He on the other hand was and is still somewhat unsure about his sexuality though knowing that he likes both men and women (which is why I put bisexual in the title for simplicity). Unlike me though he didn’t move out at age 18 and still lives with his parents that don’t know about his sexuality and wouldn’t be supportive of him dating a man. Most of his childhood friends in the city also don’t know about it.

This has caused some hickups in the past, where he raised this issue with me, saying how he was uncomfortable dating a man, showing this in public and feeling pressure from not being able to tell his parents and having to lie every time he is with me. I always tried to support him as much as I could and not put any pressure on him, saying that it is ok for me to not have a public relationship etc. And until now either I or he himself convinced him to continue with the relationship as is.

Besides these occasional low points I would say that our relationship had blossomed. We became very close very quickly and would spend a lot of time together, probably more than other couples would in such a short timeframe. Both of us would especially notice these “highs” when we were alone with shared friends who knew about us or on holiday or different cities, where we could be a couple without pressure to be seen in public or him having to lie to his parents.

At the end of summer I moved to a different country for a few months though I will come back in January. Initially we were a bit wary of the distance. This however has turned out to be not that big of a hurdle with me coming home to visit often. I did notice however that he seemed to have a harder time communicating affection than before. Interestingly I would say that even though in general messages of affection had become less, there were waves so to say of messages, where he would somedays be very affective and on other days not at all.

I have been at home visiting for the past few days. And at first everything went as usual with us seeing each other. Then two days ago he had a breakdown and told me that he was having a hard time being comfortable and having strong feelings in the relationship, feeling an overwhelming pressure from me being a man and having to hide it. He said that everytime we were in contact even if just messaging whilst in different countries he feels bad and cannot stop thinking about how to deal with this situation. On top of that he said that continuing with the relationship like after the last breakdowns wouldn’t change the pressure he is facing and would just result in us discussing this over and over again, which is why he finally wants to resolve this now before I fly back again. (That’s something I would agree with, as it has taken a toll on our relationship.) He describes this situation that in a way our relationship has moved forward with us getting closer, whilst his identity and his situation with his family has lagged behind in development creating a disbalance putting so much pressure on him. (I would also agree).

He told me that on the one hand he feels love in this relationship which he would like to deepen and for example also show his parents with them meeting me and then on the other hand feeling pressure from knowing that his family would not be accepting, leading him to conclude that to find a solution to this problem the relationship must either fully move forward or fully backwards. As this middle ground right now puts too much pressure on him. To move forward he would have to eventually tell his parents and be out public with me. He says that he can never do both of these things, saying that his family would either treat him differently or break off contact, which is why he says he will never be able to come out and never be able to date a man. Leading to his conclusion of breaking up and taking the pain of a breakup and to only date women after me to avoid being continuously in pain from being stuck in this middle ground.

I told him that I love him and that I’ve never met a person like him (which he reciprocated) and told him I would do anything to not lose him. I offered him a break, to change our relationship to something less serious, to help him tackle the bad feelings he gets from the pressure he feels, help him with anything. He says though that eventually we will end up in the same situation and that this would not be fair to me, as I want a proper close relationship with someone. He also said that even though such a relationship would not be as positive he wants me to stay in his live as a really good friend, saying that I am the closest and best person he has ever met, even though I told him I could never go back to being friends as before and would need to cut him off after breakup, at least for a while.

Even though he always presented a break up as the only conclusion I noticed that he was never able to end the conversation and to really tell me that he will break up. In the end we said that we would talk again on Sunday before I will fly out again. I asked him to speak to someone else about this, hoping that he will get mirrored how foolish it is to throw away a great relationship just like that. Nevertheless I am scared of what is to come and scared that he emotionally blocks of anything. Do you guys have any advice for me how to handle this?

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Tldr: My bisexual boyfriend wants to break up with me to escape the pressure he is feeling from not being out to his family and out in public. He says that he will never be able to tell his family and date a man in public, which is why he just wants to suffer the pain of a break up once and only date women after, to not indefinitely suffer the pain of a secret relationship.