Been together with my wife for 8 years now.
About 5 years ago, I shared that I had a fantasy for a threesome with her.
She (as expected looking back on the situation) took this as a huge betrayal which is why I kept it in fantasy land and never spoke about it again.
For total transparency, I love this woman to death and am happy to live the rest of my life without having a threesome to be with her.
However, the topic again came up today and she’s extremely hurt that I still have the fantasy.
To be clear, I never bring it up or try to pursue it in any way.
In my mind, it’s just a fantasy that’s there.
And I wish I could just snap my fingers and it to be gone to settle this but I don’t think the brain works that way.
But in her mind, she is deeply hurt just because I have the fantasy.
She feels that she “has to go the rest of her life knowing I have this fantasy of being with her and another woman.”
I don’t like lying. And so I can’t just say it’s not there anymore.
But even though I told her that it’s “one of many fantasies” and “I would be the happiest man in the world being with her and NOT pursuing this fantasy” , she’s crushed.
I want to know what I should be doing in this situation?
Is there a way of explaining this in a better way to make it clear I don’t want to pursue the fantasy? Or is it something entirely different I missed?
Love this woman to death, want to be with her forever and I mean it when I say it is just a fantasy, not something I want to pursue.
Our marriage is more precious than anything like that.
Thanks in advance
7 comments
This just needs to be dropped. Don’t allow it to ever be talked about. I’m (47M) am married. There’s things my wife and I have talked circles around. Til it feels like you’re banging your head against a wall. There’s no solution. There just isn’t. Because while we’re a happily married couple, we’re not the same person. She has her own mind and I have mine. And there are times I can see us going down that old road that leads to banging heads against a brick wall and I just cut it out. Immediately. Not having this talk. We know where this leads. Bottom line, we have this difference, it’s ok. It doesn’t keep us from being happy. So why waste breath on the same words we’ve said before?
Idk dude. I would be worried about being shut down about a threesome fantasy by my partner. It is ok to not share a fantasy, but her reaction is just silly. Fantasies aren’t always meant to be fulfilled.
I feel you guys lack communication. If I couldn’t share my sexuality or kinks with my partner I would be sad in that relationship. As I had to be ashamed of something. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I would feel ashamed of something that I like.
Sometimes thought in your head should stay in your head. You basically told your wife she isn’t enough for you sexually. I will never understand the fascination with threesomes. They are not all they are cracked up to be. And can ruin a relationship in a heartbeat.
Dude, it’s one thing to have a fantasy of a 3some with 2 random hot girls (I’m
Assuming you meant MFF) It’s entirely different thing to have one in a serious committed relationship. Since this isn’t something she’s interested in, what SHE heard and interpreted is “I want to have sex with another woman and not only that, but make you watch me have sex with another woman” How would you take it if she told you that she wanted to have sex with another man and have you basically see it. She does not feel like she’s enough. It doesn’t seem like she’s even bi since you didn’t state this so acting on this fantasy is even more insulting to her as what literally would her role be? (This is what she’s wondering, obviously in your fantasy it can be whatever you want it to be lol)
Your biggest issue here is you didn’t forcefully reassure her it’s just a fantasy you wouldn’t actually act on the first time based on what you wrote. She thinks it’s a fantasy you truly want, that she’s not hot enough for you bc you want to screw other women, that you dont care about her feelings of having to watch you be with someone else. Are you actually looking for an open marriage to bring someone else into sexually? If not, you need to be damn clear of that to her. If you think you might be, you need to take a breather and think about some of the consequences and ramifications of what that entails.
If it’s not something you’d act on, then If it were me, I’d sit her down and say, “look this is the last time I want to talk about this topic bc I can tell how much it upsets you and I feel awful I’m the one thats making you feel that way over something that is never going to happen. Yes, occasionally I have 3some fantasy. A lot of people do, men and women, but you have to know this is something that will always sit in fantasy land. Not all fantasies are meant to be acted out and maybe I didn’t clarify that years ago strongly enough. Opening our marriage is never something I’d be interested in doing. The actual ramifications of following through with it , the emotional turmoil of it, etc is not part of this fantasy. This is real world. I would not want to share you with a man, why would I expect you to share me. It’s literally just a fantasy to randomly get off to occasionally. Will you share some fantasies with me that you have that you’d not actually act on ? I promise I won’t judge”
You need to approach this from, here’s what she heard, here’s what she interpreted and how she’s feeling about it and how can I address this. She’s not just hurt. She’s literally thinking all kinds of things. People have literally broke up over hearing intentions of threesomes before. Just look it up ok here. Go to the Ask men page, the reality of one in a relationship is not exactly what dreams are made of for majority. Majority of the guys all said no they wouldn’t want one in a relationship, many even said they’d leave their wife for asking for one!
Man I don’t know. I totally get her side. If I knew my guy wanted to have sex with someone else….I think that would be it for me.
I do ask about this when I start dating men, because I know it’s so common.
I just don’t get it. I cant even fathom desiring another man when I’m in love with someone.
How would you feel if she told you she dreams of a MFM?
I would probably feel the same as your wife. I don’t think I would ever genuinely get over that. I doubt you are going to be able to do anything to erase that from her mind. Keep reassuring her that it’s not important to you and that it’s just fantasy, but she isn’t magically going to unhear that. It will always be in the back of her mind.
It sounds like your wife is very insecure, if you’ve told her you’ve no intention of pursuing this fantasy. It’s not at all an uncommon one. She might need some counselling for her insecurities. And you might have to start lying through your teeth or come up with another fantasy to ease her mind. How about MFM instead of FMF? Or how about just lying and saying you don’t have the fantasy? Sometimes, honesty is not the best policy.