Married 27 years and have raised a close and loving family. We have 2 children with one son who has moved with his career in a different country. He is loving his new life and is enjoying his job. My husband feels abandoned and the anger he feels will not subside. Our son loves his dad but won’t change his life decisions and has a clear plan of what he wants. Communication has almost stopped between them. Neither are great with text and phone yet I speak with my son regularly. I used to get my husband to join in but he had nothing to say to him. Now Christmas is nearing and my husband does not want him to come home as he can’t cope with the situation. I don’t know what to do. I’ve not seen my son for almost a year but I also don’t want a huge argument that could destroy the family. My husband is having a small mental health episode over this and is becoming irrational and Ill. I can’t seem to talk my husband round and I’ve not told my son as this would hurt him. I really need some advice on how to navigate this. What is the best way I can support my husband but also not upset and become estranged from our son?
42 comments
Your husband needs therapy asap. The problem with your son is just the top of the iceberg OP. Somehow your husband cannot understand your son is a grown adult and this event of the son leaving has triggering some abandonment issues. If he’s ill and having episodes he needs a Dr.
My recommendation is explaining your son his dad is ill and his visit might cause a fight you won’t be able to control.
There is not much you can do about this – your husband really needs therapy and to properly engage with why he’s struggling so much with this very normal aspect of parenting.
Your husband needs to see a therapist. STAT. You both should, TBH. You should of course support him, but you should not support this behavior. It’s not normal, and to say that it’s not healthy would be the understatement of the year.
Of course your son should be welcome to come see you for Christmas. You don’t want to destroy your family? What do you think telling your son that he’s no longer welcome in your home because your husband is busy throwing an extended tantrum over him moving away is going to do? If my mother said something like that to me, that would be it. I’d make sure I stayed away from my parents for the rest of their lives.
You could get your son a hotel for the visit (if he’s ok with that-with the option of staying at home) this way if tendons escalate, he can just escape to his hotel. Just a thought
You and your husband have obviously raised your son to be strong, independent and to spread his wings and leave the nest, the goal of raising children. Your husband’s issues with the result are sad, and he will need therapy ASAP to get to the root of his abandonment and anger. You should definitely tell your son that your husband has become mentally ill and irrational. (I’m sure he’s not failed to notice the withdrawal.) Your son has *not* caused this, it has merely brought it to the forefront.
That said, Christmas is rapidly approaching. It sounds as if your husband is already estranged from your son. Where is your other child? How do they fit into this situation? Was your son the “favorite?” It will be very difficult to navigate this dynamic. You will have to support your husband in getting the help he so desperately needs. Your son will have to understand that this is an illness that he didn’t cause, and make the decision on whether to come at this time.
The best way to support your husband and avoid becoming estranged to your son is to not tolerate your husband unfairly alienating your son. Yes you can be supportive, but you can’t coddle your husbands illogical anger and feelings of betrayal. He needs to go to therapy. He is acting extremely selfish and unfairly, and you need to make it clear you do not support his behavior. Otherwise, you will absolutely estrange yourself from your son. Your husband is 100% in the wrong here and you need to be clear about that and that you don’t condone his treatment of your son. Any waffling on your part will show your son that you’re more concerned with coddling your husband than treating your son with fairness and respect and support. If your husband wants to turn this into him vs. your son, you need to choose the relationship with your son, because your husband is 100% out of line.
Your husband is acting like a petulant child. Parents should want their children to thrive and achieve their goals, even if it means they move away. And acting like this is not going to endear your son to moving home of a helm opportunity would come up.
I get it’s hard when your kids grow up but it’s ridiculous to expect them to stay “at home” forever.
Your husband should seek professional therapy to address this unless you want to lose your son completely
Your husband needs to get over it and understand that your son is living his best life right now. He’s an adult who has moved out of the best and started a career and he’s happy! It is not your son’s job to manage your husband’s feelings. I get that your husband wants his kids close, but he’s being extreme here. It’s selfish and he’s the one destroying the family by acting this way!
I would tell your husband that your son has done nothing wrong and does not deserve to be treated badly just because he chose to move away. I’d say your son will be coming home for the holidays and your son has about 2 months to figure out a way to get ok with this. If he doesn’t like it, he can be alone for the holidays because he’s not going to ruin it for everyone else.
Why would he feel abandoned by him instead of proud of his accomplishments?
Thanks for all of your comments. It’s helping me see that this is not right or normal
I think more is going on with your husband. Your son moving may be the trigger to a much bigger issue. Like others have stated, he should go to therapy.
You should go to therapy to learn how to support but not enable your husband. Also, talk to the therapist on how to tell your son. I think you need to be fairly honest but stress the fact that it isn’t his fault. That all parents want to raise kids that can live life well and independently and that you are super proud to see him doing just that. That your Don moving seems to have triggered some sadness for dad that has now morphed into something else and that dad wants to isolate himself.
Can your husband see your son at all? Having your son stay at a hotel but come over for meals and visits may be a good idea. If your husband can’t engage at all, you may want to visit your son there and go out for activities/meals.
Edited to add: Don’t let this negatively impact your relationship with your son. If he decides not to come home, go see him before Christmas/at Christmas or early in the New Year.
I am sorry, OP. What a difficult situation to navigate.
A 27 year old is allowed to have his own life. It’s great that he’s still spending the holidays with you.
Did something else go on between them? This sounds a really unusual reaction to a grown adult being an adult.
Your husband needs a therapist before he cuts his nose off to spite his face. Your son is doing what you raised him to do. He grew up to be an independent adult. Also tell your husband that you’re not going to pass up a chance to see your son. Whether he stays with you or he stays at a hotel where you can visit him as much as you can but either way he’s coming to visit.
Can you go visit your son without your husband coming? Your husband sounds pretty obtuse. He is deliberately distancing himself from your son because your son moved to another country? Maybe seeing a marriage counselor would help, but I suspect he won’t go.
The problem is your husband. He is a foolish and stubborn old man and if you let him, he will ruin your relationship with your son. I guess your husband is used to getting his way and that is why he is so selfish. He doesn’t need to be supported, he has been supported all his life and now he assumes he’s right all the time. This is no mental health episode, it’s pure selfishness. Therapy is for people who want to change, to improve themselves, but your husband thinks he’s right and everybody else is wrong. Do not let him win, even if that’s what you are used to. He can do damage that can’t be repaired. Would you forgive him if he made you lose your son (son who did nothing wrong)?
I’m not a professional therapist or anything, but I suspect there’s something deeper to your husband’s problems than just the “surface” problem, which is your husband feels abandoned by your son and his inability to cope with him moving–I think that is his *reaction* due to the problem, but not *the problem itself*. Rest assured that kids moving away from their parents house (or even just the general area/city/state/country) to pursue their own careers and happiness is very much normal. My advice is that you need to convince him to see a professional who can help him work through this problem. Again, I’m not a therapist, just think he should see one to address why he’s reacting this way to something like your son pursuing his career. Most fathers would proud of that.
WTH??? Your husband’s attitude is neither normal nor healthy. He needs to get that under control. He should seek out therapy stat. At a bare minimum he should step out of the way and not try to prevent your son from visiting for the holidays.
I have seen a lot of other people mention therapy for your husband, and I agree. Hopefully he will agree to go.
It’s irrational for him to shut out your son because he’s upset that he’s gone. He should instead be making it a priority to interact with him as much as possible.
Don’t let your husband’s issues impact your relationship with your son. However you need to work around him to see your son for the times he is able to visit, you make that happen. Whether you go stay in adjoining hotel rooms and hang out or you have him over and your husband agrees to be on his best behavior. Prioritizing time with your son is so important (:
Do not ever deny your son coming home because of his father.
I’m wondering if your husband has early onset dementia or something else. This seems bizarre at best.
Thank you again for being here to help me. I’m really listening to what you all have to say
Tell your husband to get therapy because nothing will stop you from having your son home/spending Christmas with him. If need be, get you and your son a hotel but never trade time with your son for a grown man who can’t cope.
Your husband needs to remember that he raised a man! A son when he grows up he normally leaves his home and starts his own life! Your husband has seemed to forget about this. I get that he is hurt, but he needs to get over it! Get him therapy asap but you son should come home regardless of how his father feels!
Are you sure your husband isn’t having a medical issue?
It’s your home too, you invite your son, hubby can leave if he is unhappy with that.
You can’t. Your husband needs professional help, but if they have both cut each other off then they are the only ones who can reconnect.
Mama, your husband needs help. This is not normal behavior. Get him to his health care provider or therapist immediately.
Why do you allow your husband to bully or baby you into not seeing your son? You need to see yourself as an equal partner in your marriage. Don’t let your husband disrespect you to the point where he will not allow you to see your son. It’s unfathomable how you got to this place in your marriage. I think you need couples counseling. You don’t get this time back with your son. Your son is probably nervous, but he is respectful enough to visit his mother, despite the father’s attitude toward his son. It’s just as much your relationship with your son. Do not allow your husband to determine your relationship with your son!
It sounds like your husband either needs a therapiest to deal with his angry and emotions or he is possibly in the beginning stages of some sort of dementia. Please get him help – he needs it.
Also explain all this to your son and keep him updated.
I would tell my husband that he is the one with the serious problem and I refuse to not let my son come stay with us. If my husband doesn’t want our son to stay, then my husband can go get a hotel room or go visit a different family member. Or check himself into a treatment facility.
Therapy is needed here.
Do not let your husband be the one to make a rule about your child visiting you. You only lack power if you give your husband the power. Son is coming because it is your house too.
I agree with everybody that said your husband needs therapy. Beyond that, you need to put your foot down and demand it and also insist that your son is allowed to come home. If you don’t do something about it, your son will absolutely resent you for choosing your husband over him.
I’m confused. Why is your husband feeling abandoned by your son? Him simply moving away can’t be all of it. There’s so much missing here.
Your husband needs help. He’s rational is questionable.
Husband needs therapy. Your kids come first. Let your husband be miserable if he wants to be. No reason for the rest of the family to join him.
It really sounds like your husband needs a full physical in addition to therapy. There could be something medically wrong.
Wtf is wrong with your husband? A parent’s job is be to raise independent snd kind adults, no matter where they live. Your husband sounds like a toddler. This is NOT normal.
My partner became sullen and cantankerous. We learned that he had a brain tumor. After it was removed he became the nice guy once again. Check hubbys health at a good medical institution. He is entirely irrational. Best luck.
So he’s so upset that your son is so far away .. and now he has a chance to spend time with his son at Christmas, so .. he doesn’t want to? Please get him some help
Your husband is selfish. What does he expect? That his kids are going to hang around waiting for him to hang out? Honestly, I want you to show him this comment – You sir, are terrible. I hope your son lives his best life knowing he’s loved by one parent at least and he can get over the fact that his dad, who’s supposed to love him, is just selfish and narcissistic and can’t even be happy that his own child is living the life he wants to live. And ma’am, if you tell your son he can’t come home for CHRISTMAS to see his family because you husband is a child who’s acting like an infant, you’re no better than your husband.
I think your husband needs to put on his big boy panties and realize that your children are not there for your entertainment. Your job as a parent is to raise them as best that you can, then let them go out and start their life on their own. The childs job is NOT to placate the parents every whim. The child’s job is to work on his life, his job, his dreams, and not all of those include parents.
How selfish do you have to be to NOT want that for your child. You should be happy and proud that they are making something of themselves in the world.
I think dad needs to rethink what his roll is.
Your husband needs therapy. He is creating his own hell here.
A lot has happened in the last 24 hours and I have had a serious discussion with my husband and I’ve done the following: husband got a same day appointment at drs and has been given some help. The truth of the issue is that this was just one of several things he was trying to cope with. Husband is anxious about son’s visit as he feels awkward but in no way is going to stop it. After talking more he advised a bit reluctantly that he will make more effort. This channel has literally really helped me get my thoughts in to perspective and understand that this was not mine or my son’s fault. For reference he was a great dad bringing them up although strict as a father. He has a great relationship with son who lives in this country but just can’t understand why his other son left us all. You are perceptive that this relates to his own abandonment issues from childhood and I hope the dr will now help him. My concern is that even after all this he’s still a bit in denial and he’s thought process is not rational. Fingers crossed he gets better with the help ❤️
So because your adult son decided to make his own decisions about how to live his life, your husband doesn’t even want to see him over the holidays? How does that make any sense? Has your husband been controlling and irrational on other things?
Invite your son home, if your husband wants to sulk, he’s welcome to do that in another part of the house. Or you can meet your children elsewhere. Don’t let him interfere with your relationship with your children.