A co worker (40F) asked me if I (27f) am married
I said no. She asked me when I want to get married I said I’m not sure and asked if I had any kids. She then goes on to tell me I should find someone cause I’m getting old which I thought was personal
Tbh I never know how to respond to these sorts of comments. I guess it’s part of being a woman. How do u deal with being asked things like that?
49 comments
Ask her if she’s started the menopause and fears being useless to society once she’s barren given she thinks that’s so important
If she says this again, tell her directly that this is a personal subject that you do not wish to discuss at work.
Tell her you think her comments about your age were rude, inappropriate and none of her business. Other than that it sounds like pretty standard small talk and if you don’t want to answer those questions you don’t have to.
Ok so I am a 58 yr old man but if people ask me why I don’t have kids then I go into graphic detail about IVF and wanking into pots, injections, egg collection, my wife’s emotional state etc that it entails.
I don’t mind personal questions but if they delve too deeply then I tell them I am not interested in discussing that topic. If they persist then I just say “excuse me – I have to go”
Ignore the old cunt. She’s projecting her life onto you. Her life is her kids and she feels that every woman should have kids – no matter how shit her kids actually are.
Just tell her she’s closer to death or something being at her ripe old age
Ask personal questions back, like have they considered ‘xxx’ face cream because its meant to be really good for wrinkles? I say it earnestly with a straight face. I do this with my boomer mother, and it usually shuts her up for a while!
I remember on placement doing my NVQ at the funeral directors, two of my colleagues asked me loads of personal questions , as both were around the same age as me,
Also more rudely my colleagues asked the owner the same sort of questions ,
My stock answer when people ask about kids is
“We can’t have kids”
Then you watch their face drop… Then you follow up with
“Not the way we do it!”
They don’t ask again
“Problem is i only like anal”.
Massively over share some excruciatingly inappropriate information. It doesn’t have to be true, but the more disgusting the better. They’ll probably lay off the personal questions after that.
It’s far more provocative to just ignore the question, change the subject to the weather. Make it as awkward as possible. Don’t be rude but try it like this: “Don’t you think you should settle down? You’re getting old to have kids.” “You know, I haven’t heard the weather report but if it’s nice, I’m definitely going for a nice hike this weekend.” Do this every time. Even try paying them a compliment. It’ll utterly unhinge them. “That haircut is fabulous on you.” The confusion they will experience as you refuse to play their patriarchy games is well worth it.
I started a new job two weeks ago. Last week I flew to Gibraltar to meet the two other staff, and one (woman in her late 50s – Colleague 1) instantly bombarded me with “are you married? Do you have kids? Do you want kids?” Etc. I’m gay, and didn’t feel that was any of her business, but it made the awkward questioning even more uncomfortable. Fortunately my other colleague, about my age (straight, female), launched into a tirade about how she’d rather have a dog than a child and after hearing about Colleague 1’s incontinence issues after having two kids, she didn’t know why Colleague 1 would be surprised that we don’t want kids. Heroic.
Ask her if her vagina has sealed shut yet.
I just very sweetly reply, “You writing a book or keeping a diary?”
I’m 47 and still occasionally get comments because I don’t have kids. So I lay out ALL my infertility issues and then take great pleasure in watching them squirm. I then make a comment about personal and inappropriate questions that are none of their business and walk away.
Their discomfort is not my problem
Speak to HR, they’ll make sure she pipes down, recent court cases show that the responsibility is on the businesses to stop inappropiate conversations betweens employees, if not they get fined very very very heavily when you take them to court.
Nunya
Nunya?
Nunya business you nosey cow
the ‘finding someone before you get old’ part was a bit off but it might have been one of those comments where she went home and thought ‘why the hell did I say that’. I have personal chats at work all the time, it’s how I have made great working relationships with my coworkers. If you’re not into personal chats then just answer minimally, don’t ask the same questions back to them and be polite. They’ll get the idea that you aren’t social like that. Most people are happy to talk about themselves so you can’t blame someone for trying to build rapport with you
Asking if you’re married or have kids is fine, just finding something to talk about. Beyond that just tell her it’s personal and you’d rather not discuss it. To me it sounds like shes fishing for gossip
I don’t get this, women nowadays are regularly having children between 30-40 with minimal risk, why are people so obsessed with why some women don’t have children or a husband at fucking 27!
Redditors will advocate being hostile in this situation but really you’re at work and there is absolutely no need.
I just laugh and don’t take it personally, most people aren’t out to offend you and once she sees that you aren’t interested in this line of questioning she will almost certainly stop.
I like to answer the kids question by saying “I’m too selfish to waste my life on children”.
Next time she says you should find someone, just ask Why? Continue to ask her to explain with every statement.
“You need to think about having babies” – Why?
“You don’t want to leave it too late” – Too late for what?
“You need to get married” – Why?
Lots of people have this ridiculous belief that everyone’s ultimate goal should be a long term relationship and children, and that you’re somehow incomplete without this. Challenge her to explain to you why/how she knows what YOUR goal in life is.
“This is inappropriate work conversation. You’re entitled to your thoughts, but not to share your personal views of my personal life with me, unsolicited. We can go to HR if you’d like.”
my standard response to non work related questions (and some work questions!) is:
“Why do you need to know?”
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Often the will reply along the lines of “Just asking” or “Just Interested”. Which allows me to say ‘”Thanks for your interest…………”
It usually stops the conversation before it gets underway.
Humans are social creatures and usually enjoy chatting about their life and finding out what others are doing with theirs. Has nothing to do with your sex. Men get similar questioning once they start reaching 30-35 and are single/childless. It’s normal. Relationships and kids are a big deal. They may or may not matter to you now but most people want one or both of them eventually. Just respond to the questions naturally. If they annoy you then let that show a little bit to get the message across that you don’t particularly wish to discuss this, at least with that person.
I’m honest, as long as there’s no malice involved. People can be curious, it’s not a crime.
I would say, no, I’m single. I don’t want to get married unless I find a man who is good enough for me, but I’m not going to sit in my tower waiting like a princess. I don’t have kids, and because I don’t want them I’m in no hurry to find the first wrong man who’ll have them.
It only feels intrusive if you have some shame or self-judgement on these issues to work through. If you’re comfortable in your self knowledge the truth cannot hurt you. Just know that she’s telling you far more about herself than she realises. Ask her if she’s worried she settled for the wrong man because she was in a hurry!
I’m now in my 30s and when I get asked about getting married to my partner of 10 years, I respond with “we will when we can find someone who can officiate it at midnight, in the middle of the woods, naked and howl at the moon with us.” They usually drop that pretty quickly then move onto the kids question, to which I say I am not maternal and happy with my life as it is. If they persist and try to convince me that I will change my mind then I tell them the truth. “I do not want to bring a child into the world that is burning infront of our eyes as we ignore it, it would be like giving birth to them with ticking bomb strapped to their head.”
These responses shut down further inappropriate questioning 90% of the time.
Nice but inappropriate girl at work: are you married?
Me: yes!
Inappropriate girl: how long have you been married for?
Me: Oooh, just over 30 years…
Inappropriate girl: do you like it?
Me:?
Inappropriate girl: does your wife like it?
Me: here’s my phone…call her and find out!
Exit inappropriate girl….
I tend to either give ridiculous answers or am similarly blunt and rude back to them. I don’t have time for overly personal questions.
Most human beings are intensely interested in others of the same species. Some of them are able to filter this desire to know the ins and outs of the arseholes of their fellow upright apes – and some less so. Here are some immediate responses to questions that pry into your life outside the workplace:
* Evade and deflect the questions, changing the subject
* Say you prefer to keep your professional and personal lives separate
* If you really want to dominate, look your interlocutor in the eye and shit on the floor
But there’s a problem. This will only only serve to stimulate the curiosity of your coworkers. The nosiest, most determined and least sensitive will simply keep pestering for answers until they have – what serves in *their* minds – the measure of you. Are you competition? Are you an ally? Where do you fit into the wider world – i.e. what sort of person are you? And why the Hell did you shit on the damn floor??
If you really want to knock it dead and be the international coworker of mystery, you can…with some dedication to slapping down questions and/or hints about HR. But is that going to make it easy or pleasant to survive this workplace? In practice, this issue – like most we find in humanoid groupings – is a test of social skill. Are you able to give away just enough to satisfy the curiosity of others and fudge the questions you really don’t want to answer, or will you fail by either caving to intrusive questions or the reverse side of the card, being defensive and reactive?
Chart your chosen course and off you go. Happy humaning, you big hairless primate!
Shame we always drift into ‘childfree’ territory here. I didn’t have kids till I was 36 and never once did anyone every give me shit about it. I honestly don’t remember any unsolicited questions about having kids either.
When the married busybodies would ask if I had a husband I’d simply chuckle & say “nah, I’m not that stupid”
That’s not just asking personal questions (which I personally wouldn’t have an issue with), she’s just being straight up fucking offensive.
If it was a 40 year old man saying this to you I think most of the comments here would be that you were being harrassed on two protected characteristics, age and sex. It’s really no different.
Some people are just a bit insensitive. It’s the sort of question I was asked by older relatives when I was in my twenties. It was quite a common line of enquiry, I just put it down to that generation’s preoccupation. I’m 40 now so I’m surprised people of my generation think these underhand criticisms are acceptable or that women should find a man as quickly as possible, regardless of their qualities.
Long story short, she was being a bellend. Shrug your shoulders and move on.
Last time someone told me I should have children I replied “I prefer sex, money, 10 hours of sleep and the ability to pee by myself” her husband cackled and she walked away. Parents really don’t like being reminded of what they gave up having kids.
But if you want to do it in a non-confrontational way, just saw “this is a professional environment can we save personal questions for outside of work hours”
The stereotype is that Americans are inquisitive and over-share, while the British are more reserved and jealous of their privacy. So I am curious: does ethnicity or nationality have anything to do with the circumstances of this question?
But I can tell you, as an American, I consider reproduction one of the most personal matters, one that I would hesitate to bring up even among my closest friends.
“I’m here to make money not friends so my life choices are irrelevant” pretty much sums it up for me in those situations
I’ve started saying “god no” in a disgusted tone and pulling a face. To both marriage and kids. People tend to be put off /offended and don’t follow up.
Is this a new format for questions on this sub?
I can’t see the fault here, it’s a pretty normal conversation in my eyes.
For example there was a new woman started work where I do about 6 months ago, I asked her if she was married, what her husband did, what she did at weekends, where she went on holiday, did she have kids, how old they were, what hobbies did she have, where did she go to do them, what food did she like, etc etc.
It seems normal.
40 is quite young to have that kind of attitude, but I suppose it takes all sorts.
I would give ridiculous answers. If she asks if you want children, tell her that you already have 12 birds who are like your own children. That kind of thing.
I had breast cancer (I’m in remission now, luckily) but we had to put our baby plans on hold while I underwent treatment and then for at least a few years after that.
When people at work asked “When are you having kids?” I honestly enjoyed telling them about having cancer and watching their faces drop.
That shit is personal and people shouldn’t ask.
The easiest way to handle opinionated nosey people at a job without causing a fight or long-term resentment is to immediately start asking them questions about themselves, then keep going with follow-up questions until you tire them out. They will either (a) be so excited someone gives a shit about their lives that they’ll forget all about trying to find out about you or (b) feel uncomfortable and back away.
In your case worker A “So are you married?” Me: Nah what about you- married? Oh, yeah, kids then? What ages? Oh what are they into?” and just keep going. Deflect everything away from my personal life (none of their business) and let them take the floor.
People want you to join them in their misery so they don’t feel as bad about making dumb decisions like marrying someone they settled for or having kids when they weren’t ready.
27 is not fucking old, she is a grade A dickhead
What’s with people being against being friendly with others at work nowadays? Should we all just sit silently and not talk at all