This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking \[our rules\]([https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/rules)), please report it.
41 comments
A bit of a vent as I am bummed about tapping the brakes emotionally with the girl I’m dating.
Things were absolutely perfect the last time we were together and we’re both ready for the next step. Just with scheduling conflicts that’s over a week away still.
Being emotionally close over the phone is hard when you want to be together. And it would be awkward if she blurted out wanting to be my gf when I know I’ll ask her on our next date.
But the biggest reason was I wanted her to have some space between our last date and me asking so she felt centered and not making a decision based on the high we were on. I just didn’t expect it to be such a long time in between so feels like I kinda screwed myself over a bit just for certainty’s sake.
Struggling with my apparent anxious-attachment style and very impatient attitude towards solving problems.
I mentioned before about pausing new dates for a while to refocus and regroup. When I overextend myself, my anxiety tends to spike, and my ability to regulate emotions is diminished.
My “last first date for a while” went really fucking well, as did the followup. But I may have overstepped a bit afterwards. Because I’m overextended, my anxiety is spiking, and all I can think about is how to “fix” my overstep. Except, I already did as much as I reasonably could; the ball is now in his court. And I am impatient.
I hate having to sit on my feelings. It is a very distinctly uncomfortable seat.
I ignored a dude on hinge. He found me on Facebook and sent me a message which I ignored and he then found, followed & messaged me on instagram. Does anyone else think this is A LOT
I realized this week that I am not an alcoholic, but rather am more likely to drink when lonely and bored. So, I’m allowing myself to drink (I.e. going to a brewery with a friend), but be more mindful. So far this has worked and I feel like how I did before my marriage went sour 10 years ago.
Anyways, had a first date last night. It went really well! Looking forward to a second date.
Just trying to figure myself out. I feel like I’m kind of unusual bc I’m over 30 but I don’t want a serious relationship or kids or living together. It might be because I just haven’t found that person I’d like to have those things with (I haven’t, definitely) but I also just want my freedom. So far the men I’ve met want to move in together and get married and I’m just like, no. That’s not what I want. I also don’t have a lot of experience with dating to begin with (3 guys total) which is partly why I don’t want to just find someone to settle down with. I want to have fun in my low-key (no partying, no drinking) way, lol. But I also can’t stand FWB! So I think I’m more into casual relationships? Whatever those even really are? I guess there’s all types of relationships out there. I know I just need to get out and date more and figure out what I like and what I want better.
Trying to date casually and keep finding people who want serious relationships – bringing up exclusivity or relationship goals on the second or third date. Do y’all not even read my profile??
My last 3 OLD matches that actually turned into a conversation:
One guy talked about male orgasms (he used a more colloquial word if you know what I mean) within 5 minutes.
One guy wanted to set up a date with his second line of conversation. When I told him this was too fast he gave it about 3 paragraphs before asking again.
One guy it was going great with initially and we moved to WhatsApp. He started calling me “angel” pretty fast and I began to sense some lovebombing. Proceeded to sexualize my job (I’m a university teacher). Things went south from there. He unmatched me on tinder, which I didn’t address. He said he wanted to learn my boundaries and when I asked him how he plans to do that he instantly blocked me on WhatsApp and immediately sent me a text saying I was bipolar and needed help. I literally laughed. Red flags all over.
This is the opposite of fun. I just came back to OLD after a long pause and feel like giving it up again.
I still have the flowers from a date I was going to have last weekend. But after trying to call her multiple times to verify this person she wouldn’t pick up so on the day of the date I cancelled. Now I’m left with the purple carnation flowers and I’ll try to keep them alive in my cuisine art cooking pot that is now a vase full of water.
I keep getting matches on OKC from women in Kenya, when I live in the United States. Didn’t know I was a hit with people on the other side of the world.
Just a thought after scrolling through my WhatsApp contacts. So many amazing women who either decided to stop dating me, or vice versa. Practically all of them ended amicably, for one reason or another.
Despite the fact that I don’t regret any of it, it’s still one big collection of *sadness*. Seeking love in each other, but not finding it, with only to show for it a remnant of a conversation and the occasionally changing profile photo.
I feel old, I feel like time is running out. Why does it have to be such an endless grind?
Another Saturday night. Aside from the big holidays, Saturday is the worst day to be single. And I don’t even think you need to be a big partyer or anything, but for obvious, cultural reasons, it just hits harder.
What dating app is best to find guys that have their lives together? Decent job. Good hygiene. Educated. I’m on okcupid right now and I’m not seeing many men that I’m interested in. A lot of the guys on okcupid look like “failure to launch” types. Is match.com a good one if you’re looking to date adult men who are somewhat established?
Feeling bummed. Went on a date with an amazing woman who texted quite a bit last week. Now it’s dropped off and I asked for a second date and she was busy. Said she wasn’t blowing me off but she never offered a different time.
Another girl gave me her number so we text off hinge but again, ask about date or coffee and she always busy with no alternate time. Tired of the one text a day then left on read.
Last third girl wants a phone call and I hate doing phone calls before we meet. I don’t feel I do well on the phone not with someone I haven’t met yet.
These are the only matches in 4 months and once they gone back to mindless swiping
I had posted this in here yesterday – and a number of women responded with how they don’t text at all until the first date because “its a stranger”, “pointless chit chat”, and so on.. but guess what she unmatched me out of nowhere today.
The last msg was from her, we were discussing about some workout/yoga stuff and again all she was doing was responding to my text without really adding anything extra or asking me anything.
I wonder if she felt offended that I didn’t reply to her msg at all, because I just felt I’m doing all the texting anyway and she probably is not into, maybe should not have left her on read like that – let me know what yall think!
So yeah nothing really to take from here, obviously not generalizing to all women or anything like that..
but i guess next time i’m just going to ask straight away on what type of texting and communication they prefer until we meet.
**my comment from yesterday:**
>i know this whole texting thing is difficult to judge but here’s a question for straight women –
>
>if you have a date planned with a guy for a week later, you will initiate some texts right, something as small as “hey what you been upto”, even if let’s say you are a total hopelessly “bad texter” or whatever term ppl have for that!
>
>and pls focus on the initiate part here, im not asking about responding to texts.
>
>because the reddit wisdom on this is responding to texts is something women do to “backup dudes”, and initiating texting is for the guy they actually wanna meet.
>
>looks like my general vibe from my profile is ill make a great backup dude or something. . haha
>
>edit: im talking to a 33F, me 32M
Started working through this book: “Calling in The One” by Katherine Woodward Thomas. It actually has some good exercises for mindset. Either it will help me find my husband, or conjure spirits?
Reading threads on this sub becomes my daily routine. Somehow I get good wisdom.
In a recent relationship, 2 months of being official. But she recently went on a long solo vacation…ended up not seeing each other for nearly 3 weeks, because of her also getting sick. Since we’re still in the honeymoon phase, I was feeling withdrawal. Very heard on both of us.
But last night we finally got to see each other in the flesh, and it was worth the wait. Ooooh, the love was in the air. We basically had 5 straight hours of cuddling and sex before falling asleep. She is the cutest, most awesome creature in the world.
Trying to find the right balance in communicating my needs/wants while also not ending up in one of those relationships where the man does nothing unless explicitly and repeatedly asked. Where is the line between “it’s not fair to expect him to read your mind” and “he is a full grown adult and should have enough awareness to see when action is required/desired”?
We should be starting couples counseling soon, and this will definitely be a topic of discussion.
[deleted]
So, I asked too late in the previous thread to really get answers, so I’ll ask again…for people who don’t have kids but want to have kids, are there things (beyond also wanting kids) that you look for in a partner? Are there certain qualities that you place higher?
There are some people I go out with and I think they would make a good partner, and then others I think they’d make a good family, and I’m not quite sure what the differences are in my mind. Like, I couldn’t tell you why Person X is someone I can picture being with but can’t picture having kids with, while Person Y I can picture both…and just trying to figure out if there are actually things to be looking for or if it is just like gut reactions or something else?
How do others do this?
This guy feels different. We have just enough in common to make me feel safe, and enough to learn about each other that there’s excitement. Also, I actually find him attractive? That’s new 😉
I was about to quit, too. But I’m actually into seeing where this goes.
I miss old OLD.
These swiping apps are annoying. Like why am I having to swipe through people who aren’t even looking for the same thing as me?
FWB and I have mutual crush feelings. Woops!
I don’t want kids, she doesn’t want kids. The caveat? She doesn’t believe in birth control and we both think condoms in LTRs are stupid.
The solution to her is to use the calendar/rhythm method, which she says has had 100% success with for 10 years. Despite 10 years ago she underwent an abortion for an unplanned pregnancy due to… you guessed it… relying on the calendar method.
I don’t enjoy the sex at all because of it. On top of the fact I get the typical self-esteem issues on both sides for not finishing during it.
PSA: 85% chance of success is 0% when it comes to creating a child.
Why is it about being sick that completely tanks your mental health and has you second guessing every life decision you’ve made? Jesus Christ if I’m not running post mortems on old relationships (that I don’t even care about!) today.
Posted a few times about my situation with this guy. He wasn’t looking for anything serious, I didn’t know what I was looking for. Ideally something long term but I didn’t think I’d end up liking him enough to try to find out if I want to be with *him* long term. Sometimes I wonder why I even like him, too.
Anyway, so I want to keep seeing him and see where things go. Not looking to rush into anything but I definitely don’t want to waste time and risk getting more attached if he still just sees me as someone he had fun with temporarily. How do I even bring this up? I feel like I can’t tell him “I want to see where things go” cause he’ll probably just tell me he agrees and they’ll end up going nowhere instead of just admitting he’s still just looking for something casual. I also don’t want to give the impression that I want something long term when I’m still in the process of finding out.
Also want to add that the reason why I’m confused is that this isn’t my idea of a casual situation. If it’s casual, why do we have deep conversations? If it’s casual, I don’t wanna know about his problems or tell him stuff about me or my family (he asks a lot). Talked to my friend about it and she said a lot of people start out with something casual but it ends up becoming serious. He did tell me in the beginning that he’s looking for something casual but I guess I don’t know if that has changed based on how he acts. How do I tell him that I don’t want to waste my time if he 100% knows that nothing serious could ever happen between us?
Second comment today. It’s long. TL;DR at the end. TIA if you read it all. Mostly just thinking out loud.
I was in a situationship a few months ago and I’ve been thinking about why I was so into him, when from the beginning he told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious (for various reasons) and I deserve someone who could give me their all. But we both felt a really strong connection – for him he had never felt it before, and I had only felt it with one other person (boyfriend in my 20s). So we said fuck it and dated anyway. It was a weird experience for me because I don’t do situationships. In the past, when I find out we’re not on the same page, I immediately end it.
We dated briefly and I was really fucking happy whenever we were together. I was also super anxious at other times because I didn’t know where things were going. I actually had hope that it was progressing because he was going to go on two trips with me – one for us together, and another to meet my best friends – and I felt like we were getting closer. I was starting to fall for him a bit.
Then he broke up with me because he wasn’t over his ex. I asked if he had just been stringing me along the whole time and he said no, he had been emotionally open to things and seeing how they developed, but she had done something that triggered him and he felt emotionally dead/unavailable (all I know is that she was abusive to him, didn’t ask for details).
I thought it was going to end eventually for one reason, then found out he was actually open to dating me, and THEN found out it was ending over something else entirely that I had no control over.
It has been 3 months and I think I’m finally getting over it, but man… it was a wild fucking ride. I still haven’t fully processed the whole thing. I miss him and understand why we broke up but am also bitter and feel like he didn’t mean anything he said to/about me if he could just drop me like that.
TL;DR: Was in a situationship with someone that I felt a super strong mutual connection with. Hadn’t felt that way about someone in a decade. Thought it was gonna end because he didn’t want to be in a relationship but it ended because he was struggling with feelings regarding his abusive ex/relationship. Lots of emotional whiplash and pain after. Finally healing but am still thinking about the whole situation a lot and working through conflicting thoughts/feelings.
It’s been two months since my spouse and I separated and the reality is finally sinking in. I’m terrified that no one is going to accept me as wholly as they did. I’ve faced a lot of rejection in my life because of my autism. My spouse was also autistic so they understood and embraced the parts of me that would be grating or off-putting to others. I’m fine with being single and on my own and that’s what I need right now, but I have an eternal font of love in me and it’s just sluicing into the aether.
I 34 m have never been good dating, I want a family and kids, but I am basically a barely responsible adult. I have been overweight and I have previously not taken care of myself and I try to manage my depression with cognitive behavioral therapy. I have dated women only out of convivence and not because I was ever attracted to them. it always makes me feel shitty when i start seeing these women and they show a great deal more interest in me than i do of them. they fall short and a lot of my physical hang ups i have about myself is reflected in why I don’t want to continue dating these women. Often times I have tried to be reasonable and be like “hey no one has given me a chance in dating but I will give these women I am not attracted to a chance”. I think my lack of dating experience is fucking up with like my expectation of women and how they act or what a relationship even is.
​
I recently met a woman on a dating app, had a fling in early august, talked more and then started hanging out regurlarly in september, shes very nice. she is kind and she cares about me. I honestly have never been treated so well in any relationship before and its so nice. although I just dont feel attracted to her, it hurts so much and i feel like i am being trapped. before I met her I was planning on moving out of my home town and out of my parents house before I am 35 and now its all kind of ass up and I hate it. i went from being in the best shape of my life to being a depressed wreck and I am unsure whats wrong with me. shes a good woman and she likes me. i will say shes overweight, balding, and non binary who doesnt want kids and works in a coffee shop. I am in shape, changing careers, want kids, and pretty moderate. she tells me all these sweet things and it hurts for someone to say they love you when you know you dont love them and you appreciate your time alone.
​
tldr; started taking care of myself 34m met 32f, great person, not my type, been dating 2 months, dont know how to break it off because she says she loves me and constantly wants me. not sure if Ill find love again and wondering if I am just being a shallow shitbag and swallow my pride and see the amazing woman I have in front of me despite her physical and personality wise differences from my own.
I’m feeling so many emotions. I feel pathetic and embarrassed for really falling for a friend . I got jerked around when he showed that he was into me then suddenly backed off. He ghosted once before, then we tried again. Although he didn’t ghost the second time, we communicated our needs, and he told me he couldn’t meet me where I’m at. I know I’ve only known him for 3 months but I had a lot of hope. Didn’t meet him online, meet him through our mutual friends. I am gutted. Now I have to see him every now and again . I’m angry because I found myself blaming myself and taking responsibility for everything despite him contributing greatly to what felt like dating. It wasn’t all me being romantic.
Good news, I communicated my feelings with the guy I’ve been seeing before it turns into a situationship. Bad news, I’m pretty sure this will be the end of the road. I know it’s good for me long term but still sucks in the moment.
I’m proud for communicating. My irrational people pleasing side of my brain tried to make me think I was being too forward and communicating how I feel will totally turn him off, but I know rationally that everything I’ve communicated is totally reasonable and if he *is* turned off then he isn’t the right person for me. I just don’t come across a genuine connection very often (first time I’ve felt a connection in five years) so it’s been rough facing this conversation knowing it is likely the beginning of the end.
Sigh, hope y’all are having a better weekend than I am!
First holiday with boyfriend (and his kids)
Hi there!
I (34F) will be having my boyfriend (35m) and his twins (9m/f) join my extended family’s thanksgiving this year. Its our first major holiday spending together (besides Fourth of July and Labor Day BBQs)
My family is about four hours away from where we live so we are planning on staying the Wednesday – Saturday.
Any tips for the for making my boyfriend and his kids feel welcomed???
Looking for women’s advice here
Been dating my current girlfriend for almost 3 months. We were “talking” for 2 months before that.
She had a trip to Europe planned before we met. She’s been gone 12 days and she gets back tomorrow.
We’re planning on seeing eachother Monday night after we’re done work.
Should I bring roses? I’m thinking nows the time to make such a move to show her I’m committed. Open to other suggestions.
I recently started dating a guy. I communicated my needs. He broke up with me as a result. I feel sad but also relieved. I think I just avoided a relationship that would have brought an incredible amount of anxiety and turmoil to my life.
So ghosting seems to be just a part of dating life now, and I have come to terms with it. The one thing that really bothers me about it is when you make plans with somebody and they ghost the day of. this has happened to me a couple of times recently and I just find it really rude.
Like I have a busy life I only have so much time on the weekends and if I make plans with somebody and they ghost me last minute it really pisses me off! It would be great if people who ghost could do it before you make plans with them and get reservations, etc.
I understand that people ghost because it’s easy and because of the Internet they can just disappear and have zero repercussions for their actions, but it’s getting really old at this point. Have some common decency to let someone know you are no longer interested. It takes one text.
I have been on the apps for close to 2 years. It’s been a rollercoaster ride with lots of disappointments. A few months back, I met someone and things have been progressing well. While there are still some future obstacles that we are not certain about, we both feel that this is worth trying. Yesterday, he gave me an item that he had been holding onto because he wanted to give it to someone that he could genuinely see a future with. I’m really excited to see how things will turn out.
What cities do kind indie guys live in these days 😅 Think Ben Gibbard types
Im a man but I feel like I act as a woman on dating apps lol. Literally no girl on Tinder seems interesting to me, maybe 1 every 100, but then we start to talk and i become disinterested.
And its not that im visually picky, i dont care much about look or specific hobbies, just nobody seems interesting.
I can’t be the only person on the apps specifically who is allergic to pets and generally uninterested in them as a whole. I sometimes wonder if “no pets” is a realistic deal-breaker or if it’s just a major turn-off and making me miss out on a large pool of potentially great men. Literally, every other guy is hugging/holding, or with an animal…All I want is a pet-free life and I’m not trying to compete with a cat. Am I the odd man out?
[deleted]
quick question about asking for first date: would it be weird to say I would like to meet up and do something fun and ask what kind of things she likes to do, then plan accordingly? I want to show initiative but I want to something other than coffee/drinks/dinner