My boyfriend (25M) and I (22F) experienced a prolonged period of intense arguments, spanning approximately three months. The primary reasons behind these issues were jealousy on both our parts, and we exhibited toxic behaviors toward one another. In particular, he became almost obsessively concerned about my clothing, specifically items he considered excessively low-cut. Over time, we managed to reach an agreement that alleviated his concerns.
On my part, the problem arose from forming a highly emotionally intimate friendship with one of his friends, whom he had met shortly before me. I discovered this relationship independently, albeit mistakenly, as this friend had been mentioned very few times, leading me to believe their connection wasn’t close. To my surprise, their relationship was far more intimate, even involving jokes about engagement, which left me feeling disrespected. This is where our most severe problems began.
I felt frustrated and betrayed because I wasn’t aware of the extent of their relationship. Even after I found out, their friendship continued, albeit with fewer disrespectful jokes, which wasn’t sufficient for me. I believed this person should have distanced himself from our relationship, ideally by his own choice. He had admitted to verbally disrespecting me when we argued, confiding intimately, and spending time in calls with her without my knowledge. Our arguments became constant, and I couldn’t ignore the situation or coexist with it in his presence, yet I didn’t want to force him to sever ties. I wished it had been his spontaneous decision.
As the situation deteriorated over months, I told him that our relationship couldn’t progress as long as this person remained in his life. After a brief period, he decided to cut ties, or at least, that’s what he told me. However, the current issue is that after these months during which I was perpetually irritable and aggressive due to the feelings this situation stirred within me, he harbors repressed anger toward me. On my end, I struggle to trust him, especially concerning his communication with this girl without my knowledge. For example when I discovered that they had had phone calls without my knowledge, he told me that he hadn’t told me about it because I would have been angry, this causes me a lot of insecurities.
He insists that trust is a choice, but I’m currently grappling with it, and this extends to trust in general beyond his relationship with this girl. He says trusting is a choice, but it’s a struggle for me. Despite all these problems, we both invest a lot in each other, and I can sense the mutual love we share. I know it’s not worth giving up on all of this due to problems we’ve both worked hard to address. However, our interactions have become strained, with both of us feeling colder and more detached, and a lot of resentment exists. We’ve discussed it and want to move forward, as our feelings for each other are strong. But this obstacle from our troubled past persists.
How can we overcome it or navigate it better without falling back into emotional detachment? I’m concerned that the path forward may lead to growing disinterest in each other. Any advice?
TL;DR: Is it possible to recover from the disappointments and anger caused by your partner after very difficult periods?
5 comments
If there is no trust, there is no relationship.
Yes, but it requires 2 people to work it out.
Couples counseling and both people have to be dedicated to building trust back up
> For example when I discovered that they had had phone calls without my knowledge, he told me that he hadn’t told me about it because I would have been angry, this causes me a lot of insecurities.
When someone knows that their partner will be upset by something, it becomes MORE important to bring it up.
The rest of the sentence is “I knew you would be angry *and I didn’t want to deal with your emotions”*
People can overcome difficult stretches if both of them actively want to and are willing to change, but honestly it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. You want to work it out because you have strong feelings, but love isn’t enough to make a relationship healthy. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean it can or SHOULD work out.
If you’re not ready to give up, first step is couples counseling. Second step is likely individual counseling for both of you.
So those problems are both “him” problems. He was controlling about what you wear…that’s not a problem with you. “Alleviated his concerns”…and what were those concerns, OP? Controlling what you wear is a giant red flag and it doesn’t really sound like that was solved as much as you capitulated to his demands about it.
And he was having an emotional affair, which you were rightfully hurt by. You don’t trust him because you shouldn’t, not because you’re being weird or paranoid. Sometimes not trusting someone is the sane, correct feeling because they have broken your trust by being a shady liar.
He was jealous and controlling because you…wore clothing? You were jealous and hurt because he was doing disrespectful things and lying.
I’m missing the part where you have done anything wrong.