TLDR: I feel like I(23F) am being led on by my friend’s(23M) hot and cold feelings towards me. We hooked up but things changed when they started to proclaim their feelings for me while while intoxicated.
I have a friend who I met while in Uni and we have been friends for about 5 years now. We both have a lot in common and we consider ourselves best friends. After graduating our relationship changed. One night at a party he got drunk and told me he thought I was cute and how he had always found me attractive. I really didn’t think much of it since this was also around the time he had broken up with his long term girlfriend and thought he was perhaps in a sensitive spot. I kind of just ignored it and made sure he got home safe and didn’t mention what happened at all. A few weeks later I found myself in his apartment where we eventually ended up sleeping together. We continued to casually meet up and I thought things were normal.
This changed when he began to call me while drunk. He would say things such as “I really like you, you don’t know how much I like you. I think about you constantly. I broke up with my girlfriend because of you..” It felt really weird to hear this, but I decided it was best not to acknowledge anything. Fast forward to me casually admitting I was perhaps developing feelings. He didn’t give me much of an answer besides an “I understand.” This resulted in him putting distance between us which hurt but I understood why he would do it. It went on for about half a year where we didn’t meet and were instead seeing other people.
This time he invited me me out for a hangout. I was a little shocked but agreed to go. I expected us just to sit at home and watch TV but he had surprisingly planned so many fun activities that of course made me feel like maybe our friendship was ok. That night we drank and he started to say things about his feelings for me again. He said he really missed me and the usual “you’re incredible, cute, i really like you, I want to be together blah blah” but this time it was different because he started to also started to call himself a s\*\*tty person and how I should stop talking to him and get away. I was really confused and hurt by this. After that, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he said so I decided to bring it up one day. His answer was basically, “I think it was my way of trying to avoid feelings getting involved, I don’t want our friendship to be ruined, I don’t want us to stop being friends.” I told him I understood and left it at that, but I still can’t help but feel a certain way about this.
At this point I think I am exhausted. He is my best friend and I like him so much but I’m feeling so confused by his really hot and cold approach to me. My friends and family have told me I should cut ties with him, but it really hurts to think about it. They say if I continue to talk to him that he’ll just keep this pattern going and just keep confusing and hurting me for much longer.
Is his behavior normal? Is it best I cut ties? If there is anyone who has been in a similar situation I’d appreciate any advice.
2 comments
In answer to the question, yes i think he’s being toxic.
I think you need to do two things: 1) decide if you’re attracted to each other and want to be together in that way or be friends. You can’t be both. 2) if you go for option 2, you need to discuss some ground rules when you’re both sober and stick to them. Stuff like no drunk dialling, no crossing those friendship lines etc. and if you cross them, you cut ties.
Personally I think the ship has sailed on being friends and you should either figure out whether you want to be together and if not, cut contact. You guys slept together so you can’t undo that, you’ll always be more than friends. Some of this behaviour is concerning and are red flags about starting a relationship.
This dude hasn’t figured himself out and is stringing you along to make himself feel better. Also, you know, the sex. He has feelings for you but isn’t processing them in a healthy way: it’s possible he thinks he needs to tell you these things in order to keep you close even though he doesn’t love you “enough” to make a concerted effort. It’s also possible he has serious commitment issues.
In either case, trying to be in a relationship with them is going to do harm to you psychologically and you probably shouldn’t try to do that.