So my current bf is not the most confident in bed. He never loses himself in the moment, there’s always some sort of mental block or something. I feel it and think he does too based on our conversations. Having sex with him is not like anyone else I have had sex with, even past hookups.
I asked him if he feels it all over his body when we have sex or if it’s just localized to his dick. He said it’s a pretty localized feeling. Which I thought was odd. I feel it in my stomach, chest, legs, pretty much everywhere. I can easily let go and focus on the feelings.
Same thing with all my past partners. They are so into it when we are having sex. Passionate, interested in exploring our bodies, basically letting their dick guide them lol.
But then we have my bf. That never happens. I don’t know what to do. Yesterday we had sex and we had some foreplay for once and it was a good start and I was happy! We were able to kiss and tease each other. He needs to work on it though. But have you ever been rubbing on each other without actually going in, and you get so incredibly lost in the moment? I have had that happen many times and would be soaking wet. That didn’t happen yesterday. And it did suck honestly.
Something is missing in our sex life and I don’t know what to do to make it better. I want him to get lost in the moment, clear his mind, and just focus on how he feels. He told me he always has something else on his mind when we have sex. 🙁
What should I do? He’s the most disconnected person I have been with by a long shot and it really prevents my from losing myself too.
7 comments
Are you familiar with sensate focus exercises? You have what sounds like a very well-developed skill that he doesn’t have. You could be the perfect guide! Be there with him to help him understand what it’s all about as the two of you work through it, first him by himself and then as a couple.
What’s on his mind during, can you be more specific?
It could be something like ADHD. I have it and it’s so hard to stay focused and lose myself in the moment. There are always a thousand things running across my mind and it’s hard to quiet those thoughts no matter how hard I try.
There is nothing wrong with him. Everyone experienced sex different and you are going to give him a complex
As someone else said sensate focus should be a good thing to try, y’all will have to work on it together but it should help. The idea is to wrap each other up in your senses so much that he can’t help but be in the moment. So first things first, explain to him to only think of the current moment, not 10 seconds from now, not 5 minutes ago. Next sit down with him and a pen and paper, get a top 5 list of each sense, top 5 favorite tastes, sounds, visuals/colors, etc. Do the same for yourself then sit and try to figure out a good way to combine 1 or 2 of each of them into your room. Then do it and set aside an hour to just chill in there. If the sex happens great but just try to help both of you be wrapped up completely. Good luck hope it helps.
Maybe you need to take charge and do the physical and mental work?
I find it impossible to lose myself in sex because I’m the one carrying the load physically and mentally for the session. I’m doing the thrusting, I’m planning the next 3 steps, I’m making sure she’s comfortable, I’m trying not to show how exhausted I am etc you get the picture. As a guy being forced to take on the work sexually means it’s hard to lose yourself in it.
As someone has already said, everyone experiences sex differently. From your write up you sound like you are wanting him to experience sex the way you and your exes do…well, he’s not you and he’s not your exes – because despite how good the sex was with your exes, things with them ended, didn’t they?
Just imagine for a second that there was something you both do together – non sexual – that he REALLY gets into, and it’s one of his big passions. Now he takes you along to involve you in his life, and you enjoy it, sure, but it’s not as incredible as all that. Imagine that he now starts disassociating from it himself because he’s not seeing you enjoy it the same way? It’s not really fair to put that much pressure on you, is it?
NOW, I’m not saying you don’t have the right to want a man who is as into sex as you are, but what I am saying is that he also has a right to feel how he feels. And if you can honestly say that the sex “sucks” then perhaps you need to accept that this is going to be another in your line of exes. You’ve been with men who do feel that all-consuming passion before so you know they exist; go find one of them.