Tldr; whenever we face stressful situations, my gf tends to run away. I think this is because she likes to avoid problems that will stress her out knowing that she faces a lot of problems. But that seems to be unfair, because I face a lot of problems too and I listen to her.
Long post ahead. I’m not sure if i’m overreacting or this is a valid conclusion. I would like a good outsider perspective because I’m scared that I’m blinded by love.
Context: me and my gf have been together for 1.5 years. We are also in an LDR. We visit each other 1-3 months depending on our availability. I work full time but she’s in college finishing her master’s. So far, all I can tell you that the good memories that we have created are something that I hold on every day. I believe that those good memories stick onto me each day because I find myself getting excited each time we have plans to meet each other.
However, the relationship starts to get rocky instantly. I believe that ever since I found out that she likes to avoid problems, it has never been nothing but negligence on my side. Some scenarios when I felt neglected:
-this is minor but everytime we talk about problems, I find myself just being bluntly ended. Recently, I talked to her about a family issue I’m facing and she told me that she doesn’t like talking about my problems because it stresses her out too. I told her that you are not here to solve my problems but just to listen and support as much as you can, but she told me that she’d rather let me keep all these to myself because she has problems that she don’t talk about to me too but she keeps it to herself. So that’s why i should do the same. Now I’m aware that our partners are not our therapists, but I dont feel like I’m telling her the whole situation. I just wanna be heard or remembered that I’m not feeling well in that situation.
-kind of major, but she doesn’t like talking bout closing the gap. Now i know this is stressful for LDR people and some chose not to do it, but I feel like she is too “happy go lucky” with this. I told her that we need to have a plan if she moves out or I move out, and she told me something in the lines of “I don’t want to think about the future now because it’s too far ahead”. in this situation i dont even know if im wrong for settling a good plan for us. 1.5 years on the line and we still don’t have a good plan to close our gap. It sucks
-i can only see a big huge of energy and attention from her when we’re in a happy state. Lets say im going to visit her and we go on a trip, that’s where i get to see the real her. But that’s just because I’m happy that time too. When shit hits the fan, let’s say I do get shitted on work, I feel like she is just giving me neutral replies like “if you wanna talk to me, im here” and when we do start talking, problem 1 arises. I spent my whole time just bottling it up myself, although I’m not used to this shit. I feel like an emo boy or something lower when I share with her my problems, because I don’t feel listened or anything.
Even all of these, i try to be understanding. And she is really trying her best to. Trying to ask me “what could I have done better” or “what do you want me to do next time” I’m pretty sure she is genuinely trying to help but the way she is grown has not prepared herself to be in these type of situations.
I try my best to be understanding too.
I remember being with an ex who has major insecurity issues and problems with the world. I can’t handle listening to her rants everyday too because of she views the problem (“the world hates me” mindset) and I didn’t have a fun time listening to her. While for me, everything that I tell my girlfriend are things that I’m aware of is my fault but I need someone to listen only. I try my best not to grip her out for all these (i try to be emotionally independent) but i guess i got this impression in her that i need her everytime.
I feel like we have different types of personalities. Her being avoidant with all these “stresses” and me being the opposite. This is a worry for me because not all relationships are glitters and flowers. What if we face a bigger stress?
I really a need a good outsider perspective for this. I’m not sure if this is an issue for me to solve or for her (Even though its supposed to be for both of us) or is this an issue that will arise in the future. I sometimes feel like she needs to be with somebody that has less stress in his life. I sometimes feel like I need someone whose willing to take the stress to just to be with me.
Or maybe is this normal in relationships? Is this something that I shouldn’t be afraid of?
1 comment
I am hopefully a good outsider. I think you know the answer here, but I’ll type it out if it’s any solace. You seem like an anxious attacher, especially since a lot of these issues end with “am I the problem” instead of a blame, which I can relate to.
It sounds as if your girlfriend isn’t emotionally ready for a relationship, in person or long distance, or at least a relationship with you. That first “minor” issue is a major one. The lack of reciprocity in terms of emotional care and comfort isn’t great, especially after 1.5 years. Good days are good days, but bad days will happen, and having someone to lean on that you can trust is the bare minimum for a relationship.
You deserve a partner that is capable of being there for you emotionally. I’ve had a close friend who’s had a similar scenario play out, and after 4-5 failed bets on when they’d break up between other friends, he finally called it quits after 3 years. She’ll never break up with you because she has all the advantage of emotional care, a shoulder to cry on and the security that someone will be there. You deserve that too.