Hi all,
I (29M) have recently been getting more and more pressure to get married to my gf (29F). I have gone ring shopping and even confirmed to her that I will be proposing soon however I personally want to work things out with a therapist before being 100% sure
I met with a therapist to go over some criteria/ things to go over in my head before going down on one knee.
One aspect of our relationship that my therapist honed in on was our sex life. Currently it’s once every 2 weeks, and we don’t really do anything different to spice it up. I would say I am much more sexual than she is but I feel uncomfortable suggesting we spice up our sex life or suggest we have sex more. She has also never orgasmed through sex with anyone including me which makes me really question my abilities and her enjoyment of sex with me.
She tells me it’s fun, but I can only imagine she’s saying that to make me feel better.
I catch myself fantasizing over old flings and I know how dangerous the thought of “the grass is greener on the other side” can be.
My therapist’s advice was to have it scheduled in our calendar, talk through our preferences,
and to actively work on our sex life by putting sex in the calendar and doing more often, or else as life gets busier; kids, house, other life stresses, once every two weeks becomes once a month… etc.
My girlfriend doesn’t have serious red flags and I do love her. I just don’t want to have our sex life die on us and have it become a point of resentment.
Should I wait until our sex life improves to pop the question ?
How important is sex in a marriage ?
36 comments
Sexual compatibility is one of the most important aspects of a lasting, healthy marriage. Out of all the people I know who got divorced, BY FAR the most common reason is due to sex issues.
There is a very good reason your therapist is bringing this up, and it’s because likely the majority of their couples-clients are there due to sexual incompatibility issues.
Anything that bothers you even the slightest now, will bother you FAR MORE after you’re married.
I think you need to discuss with her all of the points your therapist suggested. You can’t make up a schedule without her buy in. Have you asked her about her expectations? Perhaps she wants to improve things.
If you are already fantasizing about others this marriage will not work unless the two of you are completely happy and where you want to me. It would be unfair to the both of you.
Editing to say that asking how important sex is in a marriage is like asking how important it is to have ketchup on French fries. Only you can answer for what you want.
Sex is very important in a marriage. If I were you, I would have a talk with her and see if things get better and if they don’t, go your separate ways. Is you’re this concerned before you’re even engaged, it’s going to get 10x worse after you’re married. Make absolutely sure you’re comfortable before making that ultimate commitment. Good luck!
It’s about putting in the effort to cultivate it. If she doesn’t want to put in the effort that could be an issue, but if she is open to what is important to you it’s just a question of differing preferences, it’s probably something you can work through together. Your partnership should extend to your sex life. You need to start with open communication about your own wants and needs. You can’t judge her on it if you haven’t even communicated about it clearly. Very important to have those types of conversations before marriage.
Always remember that the grass is greener where you water it. People who think they found greener grass on the other side fail to realize that the other side is simply where they started to water the grass.
Dude, do not marry this person. Have you ever heard a married person talk about how they got laid way more often after getting married? No. If it’s bad now, it’s only going to get worse later.
I don’t think you should do it. Sex tends to decline more-not the other way around. If it increases for some? That’s an anomaly. Once every other week is not very much tbh. I firmly believe that when most ppl say irreconcilable differences-it’s code for “we stopped having sex.” Head over to the dead bedroom thread. You’ll learn a lot.
I also commend you for hiring a therapist to go over these issues before you get married. Most ppl do the opposite and by then, it’s too late.
OP it is perfectly valid to want a compatible sex life.
Spend a couple of hours on r/deadbedrooms and then r/divorce (to get a sense of how women treat divorce) and r/divorce_men (to get a sense of how men see divorce).
Plot twist sex does not get better and you get half of everything you had regardless of who paid for it.
Coming from a guy whos been married 14 years and in a dead bedroom most of the marriage I would highly advise you not to get married right now if sex is important to you. Once the honeymoon phase was over with us my wife started the rejection, we were having sex once a month for a decade and now its at 0. We dont even have kids so thats not even a reason to not have sex. Maybe talk it over with her and see how she feels about it but do not get married until this is figured out.
Do not marry into a dead bedroom. This only gets worse, trust me.
*Currently it’s once every 2 weeks*
Are you content with this? I can’t imagine being 29 and only having sex every 2 weeks if I was in a committed relationship.
Hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but getting married is not going to improve your sex life. Especially when it already sounds compromised.
Some people can have a marriage like that and be happy. But are you that person?
Don’t get married to a person who has sex with you twice a month. It will not get better as this really is the best they can do to try to show you they are marriage material.
Sex is about bonding. It’s very important! Married 37years and we still go at it every Saturday.
Who is this therapist? I don’t think sex is something to schedule. It would be the heat of the moment. You don’t time it and go “9pm, sex time!”. It’s the mind, the mood and the moment.
If you are feeling horny and both of you are in bed, touching, kissing and you use your hands to slowly see if she is getting in the mood, direct and take it there. If she isn’t, then a cuddle and kiss is fine too, it’s all about sensing the situation and reacting. Look, I get you aren’t comfortable asking for it, but like I said, it’s about initiation, signals etc
I don’t think once every 2 weeks is bad, it depends on how you are and you both should enjoy these moments, bring new things to the bed. See what excites her and yourself, be open and have fun as you won’t have time with kids and all in the future, live gets hectic.
Tbh, I wouldn’t stress and I would just enjoy your partner, and see where it goes. As for the orgasm, is it through penetration you seek? Not everyone can do that but use your hands, lips, mouth and keep the heat up. Sex is about the sense with women, not just slamming it in. My issue is my girl can only handle having an orgasm once and then is done and I’m still going, the point is, everyone is different, don’t stress these things and see sex as what it is, act to bond the love you have for each other.
I think the bigger issue is how you feel pressured to marry. Why do it? Why not date for 2 more years and see how it goes? Nothing wrong with that. You both are young and I seriously think making sex some routine will kill the joy of it. End of the day, this is your girl and you should be free to say what you want with each other, so try it. See how it is, maybe it will work for you both…but don’t marry due to pressure, marry because you want to be with this person until death
Sometimes you have to do things that make you uncomfortable to realize the potential of your relationship. If you yourself want to spice it up, you have to take initiative. If she is open to the idea, get some toys (vibrators, sex card games, role play, etc). For a lot of women, it has to do a lot with foreplay. Give her a massage, make her feel special, let her know you appreciate and love her. Read up on what other ways you can do to make her achieve orgasm. A lot of women also can not orgasm by penetration, most do by clitoral stimulation (hence getting a little vibrator). I hope you 2 at least try and be more open minded. Marriage does add some stress ESPECIALLY when you have kids.
I think you need to explore what you both want in bed, what you like, kinks, what feels good etc.
Then you need to learn how to make her orgasm. She probably just tells you it’s not a big deal and the sex is good because you clearly haven’t made a valiant effort in 3.5 years to focus on her and what makes her orgasm. Do you both have foreplay or is it one sided? How are the sessions, obviously the length of a session doesn’t determine how satisfying it is or not but there’s clearly something going on that is making her not want to be intimate.
No marriage will work if there’s a dead bedroom
Great advice. And well said.
Listen to your therapist. The sex is SO important. Especially if you plan on having children later on. Definitely hold off on popping the question until you know for sure this is something that can be fixed. I hope it can and wish you the best. You’re a smart man for seeking a professionals opinion and help as well as making this an important aspect of your decision. Yes, it will make or break ANY relationship Especially a marriage.
All things in marriage follow the 10/90 rule. If it’s going well, it’s only 10% of the marriage. If it’s not? It becomes 90%… this goes for finances, sex, emotional intimacy, conflict, etc
“Sex is only about 10% of what helps build and maintain a strong relationship. However, it is 90% of the problem when that 10% is not met.”
The important part of sex in a marriage, is that both people see it on in the same level of importance.
Sex is extremely important in a relationship/marriage.
Don’t marry someone who you’re not sexually compatible with.
You’ll be extremely miserable and unhappy.
Updateme!
Brother is sex is minimal now, that needs to be fixed before marriage and you are confident it’s good. Don’t even believe you can change this once married. If she’s like this before, them I can guarantee that you will headed for a dead bedroom quickly
DO NOT MARRY HER. Sex matters so, so much. Please understand it will not get better married.
How often are you initiating sex and how often does she turn you down? Also how hard have you both been working together to give her an orgasm? I feel like sex without orgasm is just kind of ok so I can see how she wouldn’t be all that interested in it. She shouldn’t sell herself so short that she is willing to get married and never get to have a satisfactory sex life either. My guess is she would enjoy sex a lot more if she orgasms. A lot of women can’t orgasm through penetration alone. They need clitoral stimulation, either orally or manually or with a vibrator. It can also take a lot longer for a woman to get aroused and achieve an orgasm. You should let her know that her pleasure matters to you and that it should also matter to her. Some women are raised to be doormats/people pleasers and have low self esteem and don’t think they are worthy of time and effort in the bedroom and that sex is just for a man’s pleasure so they don’t even explore their own sexuality. Do you think this may sound like her? Does she masturbate/orgasm on her own?
You also say you are uncomfortable bringing up spicing up your love life and frequency. Maybe she is too. She may be looking for you to lead her in this area, especially if she doesn’t have as much experience. Figure out what is making you uncomfortable and how you can get past it. You two seem unable to communicate about big or uncomfortable issues. You shouldn’t consider marriage with someone until you feel safe and able to discuss everything and anything with her. This is where couples therapy can really help teach you these skills.
I’m a 27F. I’m married for over two years now. My bf of 4 years and husband of 2 years now we used to have sex 4 to 5 times a day before marriage. After marriage, it gradually decreased to now having sex once or twice a month, that is when I initiate it. I’ve talked about this to my partner so many times. It gets a little better, but then it’s back to being the norm. You need to fix things before you get married and come to the same level. It just gets worse after marriage. You’re probably going to be having kids soon, and that won’t help anything. Only makes the intimacy worse. Women get depressed and other things affect their libido a lot. So if she’s like this rn and not willing to change this aspect of your lives rn, she won’t do any better after you’re married.
OP never by pressured into marriage, never. As for the sex part, most of the comments here have answered you sufficiently.
See a sex therapist. Work on your oral and fingering skills. I had “fun” during sex for years but could live without it, as not orgasming is very defeating and takes most of the pleasure out of it. If you want to make it work, get real comfy talking about sex. Find what she likes, try everything (assuming she’s willing) and only then make your choice. Sex CAN become more frequent after marriage if both people are willing to work at it and commit to a standard of intimacy, but if not, you’re gonna be unhappy.
Sex doesn’t make a marriage but it can ruin one. Whether it’s from someone else or lack of. If there isn’t a mural agreement on things, it won’t get any better.
It depends on how you feel about her. You love her that much for reasons other than sex? You want to be with her whether you have a great or just ok sex life? Then maybe sex doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker. But if you’re this hesitant, maybe it should be.
I would not bank on your sex life getting better after marriage. If anything, it will probably drop off. Sad as it is, some women consciously make more effort regarding sex up until marriage just to get to that point. Then when you’re married, they figure they don’t have to try so hard anymore. Some women, not all or maybe not even many. But it’s an unfortunate story I’ve come across disturbingly often.
I’d try having some talks with her about this. Ask if she’s happy with your sex life, if she wants anything more/different, if she’s willing to work with you to improve things and explore what you might want. If the conversation goes poorly, there’s your answer.
I agree with everyone else that you’re uncomfortable with the current state of your bedroom so you should not get married. I would also see a sex therapist.
I do want to suggest that if you partner is taking hormonal birth control, it could be causing some of this. She should try going off of it if that’s the case and see if it effects her positively. At her age I was on it and had a very low libido. I mentioned it to my dr and he immediately took me off. We went from sex once a week (at best) to 4-5 times a week with a couple of weeks after stopping.
Same for antidepressants. They can cause low libido and an inability to orgasm.
I think these items are worth mentioning every time there’s a woman, especially one who is young, going through this.
Good luck OP.
You still have time to find another woman who matches your libido.
So, I think you need to talk to her openly about this — I have been there. Tell her that you need more spicy and frequent sex, ask her what are her likes, tell her yours, and see how compatible are your needs and wants. Maybe she is not very experienced and needs some guidance. or, maybe foreplay has not been enough. Do you really try to make her finish? if yes, try harder. It’s not easy for women to finish.