Me and my wife’s sex life is somewhat vanilla, the frequency is fine, 3 times a week ish after 5 years, but I’m bored of the repertoire, it’s usually always missionary, usually in bed with the lights off, sometimes we use a sleeve/vibrator but that’s about it. Never get oral, she’d do it if I asked but if I ask it sorta takes the fun out of it, I want her to want to please me like I do her, not just lay there and be fucked. The sex we have although vanilla feels nice, we both always come (once) and it’s passionate and loving which I do like, but sometimes I want to be rough, I want a blow job, I want to fuck her from behind ( she doesn’t like doggy) I wanna experiment and do stuff I haven’t done before, I want her to have the same enthusiasm for it that I have. It’s making me resentful towards her and I hate it because she really is a lovely person and I love her to absolute pieces she’s the best partner I’ve ever had and I feel like I’m ruining our relationship over this, why can’t I just be happy with what I’ve got? Last night we had a drink and I started on about it and now she’s really upset and I fucking hate myself for upsetting her and she swears she thinks everything’s fine. I’d tried bringing it up before and nothing changes so last night I really spelled it out how dissatisfied I am and she’s now questioning the marraige, we’re only 10 months in ( together 5 years). Opening up the relationship not an option, niether of us would ever want that. Help
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So after five years you want to make her something she’s not? Have you talked to her about this without being an ass about it (being drunk is not the way to bring it up)?
This is why compatability matters. You can’t make her like something she doesn’t like.
I love giving oral but rough sex hurts, I hate it, and I refuse to do it. Ever. That’s why when I’m dating a man, I find out if he likes stuff I won’t do. And if he does, I won’t keep dating him.
Because even if he says “oh I don’t need to do it rough though, I also like it slow and soft”, I know that as the decades pass, he’s gonna turn into you.
Miserable.
” I’d tried bringing it up before and nothing changes so last night I really spelled it out how dissatisfied I am and she’s now questioning the marriage”
I honestly don’t believe people read, it clearly states there he has spoken to her before and yet people keep asking
OP – You are entitled to your feelings and they are valid, I think that you need to have a think about the level of importance sex plays in your relationship. You clearly love this women but if sex is a big thing for you it may be a deal breaker. Maybe try and talk to her about why she is not able to change it up. It might be something else.
You married her less than a year ago knowing this and this is how you treat her? I really hope she finds an outstanding lawyer.
Prick
There is no such thing as 100% compatibility. The best sexual partner is often not good for long term relationships. To find a great in everything wife or husband is very difficult.
37M here.
Number one, brother, your experience is extremely common. Stick around Reddit long enough or just talk to other men in LTRs chances are, there’s going to be someone with a near identical story. Do not let *some* people on this board make you feel bad. This is YOUR situation. These are YOUR feelings.
Having been there and back again, after all the conversations I’ve had with other men here’s what I’ve collected:
Sex, for men, becomes more about the emotional connection over time. That doesn’t mean “more gentle” sex, but it does mean wanting to ***feel*** more than the physical aspect of it.
Along with that idea, men aren’t overtly emotional, so the path to that is mental. We look for our own version of mental stimulation because that makes us FEEL (emotionally) something else. You want her to be enthusiastic about giving you oral because it makes you feel that much more wanted, that much more desirable, to her.
Women tend to get stuck in the idea that men are “hunters” and they have a hard time reconciling that they need to step up their effort. They think of earlier times in their lives or in that relationship when they didn’t have to put forth much effort to get a specific outcome, and they tend to think that’s all we are.
Confronting them with the truth, that we are more complex than walking erections, is usually offensive to them because they think (a) they’re not as attractive to you anymore (untrue) or (b) you’re asking them to change/do more than they’ve ever had to and that’s unfair, or (c) both.
The fact is, our level of attraction to them, if anything, has increased. We want to experience them MORE than physically, I think that’s a much more meaningful, trusting connection.
And the truth of the matter that we ALL change throughout the course of our lives and relationships, and our needs change, also applies to the bedroom.
It tends to be very difficult, near impossible, to fully get what you’re asking for.
So … Good luck.
Woman here. I think this should be brought up EXTRMELY carefully, not when drinking. Have a decent conversation again and tell her you think she’s still fucking hot and that’s why you want more of her. That you appreciate her. That you would like to explore together with her. That you think she’s very sexy. Etc.
There’s something called a yes, no, maybe list for sexual acts. Maybe see if you and her can fill one out individually and see what “yes’” you guys have in common. If she’s willing to do that.
As for lights I recommend getting a red light for the bedroom as it’s not harsh lighting, it’s bright enough to see but also dark enough to be comfortable.
It means you are not sexually compatible. Nothing can fix this.
Give her a full body massage, heat up the bedroom, get some good oil. Get naked both of you, she face down on bed and you sit on top of her and start massaging her upperbody, kiss her on the neck, nibble at her ear. Slowly star working your way down, start massagin her but and thigs but don’t touch her private parts, just barley, tease her and she will eventually beg for you to slide into her wet pussy. Take your time and try to find put just how horny you can get her.
Therapy is the answer. At least a start.
Listen to the podcast Sex With Emily. *drops mic*
I think it’s sexy to ask for what you want. To say…I want you to suck my cock or I want to bend you over and xyz…
Maybe she might like that???
I’d suggest bringing up specific things you’d like to try and see if she is interested
You said she’s a really lovely person and it looks like you really love her, and I won’t go on about the talking about this while drinking thing, you clearly know where you’ve gone wrong.
However, if my OH spelled it out for me like you said you did, and I got upset, I would probably still be thinking about it even after we’ve cleared the air.
Obviously I’m a stranger who doesn’t know you both so I don’t know if she’s they type to think on it and work on it quietly, but my suggestion would be maybe wait on it now, see if anything changes. The SLIGHTEST hint of her putting in a bit more effort, make sure you acknowledge it and praise the crap out of her for it. Tiny tiny steps, you might not be doing it rough doggy tomorrow but if you encourage her for the little things, you might just get there.
When my OH tells me he loved something I did, I commit that shit to core memory so I can do it again for him, but if I tried something and he said nothing I am most likely not going to try it again.
You say you still have that passion there and sex 3 times a week says you do, so she probably has a passion for you too.
Next time you talk about it, make sure she knows you don’t want to necessarily replace what you have already, you just want to explore how you can express your love in all the ways possible. I think sometimes vanilla people see kinky things as just freaky things and not creative expressions of passion. (I’m aware you’re not necessarily asking for anything drastically kinky I’m just saying anything outside their norm)