I (21F) have been on dating apps since I was 18yrs old. I’ve only ever felt comfortable enough to go on a date with 1 guy and it was alright. I’ve never dated anyone, family rule was not until you’re 18 but I turned 18 in the middle of lockdown. I’m in college but not a partier and my major is 99% women, I go out and dance on the weekends occasionally but I’m never approached. I’m not a jaw dropping person but I’m not hideous either. I’d say very average. I guess what I’m getting at is I don’t know what to do anymore/ how to meet people. Dating in this day and age just seems to be hookups and one off dates no commitment. I’m not built for this, I see the people around me my age get hurt again and again and I just can’t subject myself to that. Do I just wait and hope that as the older I get men will mature more and want something as real as I do? I’m just extremely discouraged and looking for some advice.
11 comments
Young men are taught not to approach women anywhere at all. It’s a strange time.
Nothing is wrong with this “generation”. Lots of people in our parent’s generation also had a bunch of casual hookups and most got their heart broken many times before they got married to someone. And then then about half of them got divorced later and thus also heartbroken. This is life. It’s hard but it is definitely not worse today than it was before. That’s a myth that every generation says “it was so much better before”. It absolutely was NOT. I can assure you that. It was either the same or worse. Every generation tends to actually have it better than the last one.
What do you want advice with? Are you approaching men, if not do so. If you are, continue to do so. There’s no magic answer anyone could give to find you a boyfriend.
You could just communicate to guys that you want a long term relationship. It’s extremely rare that I actually encounter someone who communicates their needs. Most women just drop subtle hints of what they want without actually saying it. The root of almost everyone’s dating problems can be distilled down to communication issues. It is of my opinion that millennials and genz lack this ability due to social media and other issues. Peoples’ social skills are severely stunted. Never seen anything like this before.
If men only wanted hookups then they weren’t really interested.
Isn’t really an issue of ‘most men only want hookups’ but rather:
The type of men that usually actually gets matches is matched by most women. They picky as they got options. Picky men with options don’t necessarily reject girls right away though because men can enjoy sex even when they aren’t really (that) attracted.
Lots of us men don’t know how to adapt to this world where we aren’t depended on anymore (first world countries). Dating apps suck (how are you supposed to compete for attention among 100s of other guys per woman). Being a man means constantly having your self-esteem, wants, and needs attacked on the daily both by women and some other men. Obviously each to their own, but I’m not starting a “real” family when I feel this unhappy just being alive. That’d just be irresponsible. Doesn’t change the fact that my biology is screaming at me to have sex, but a serious relationship? No thanks. Same age as you, and this is where my mental state is at.
Just my take on it, I dunno how everyone else’s experience has been.
You’re only 21. Anything you believe now can change next week.
You don’t really need to wait around until men mature in order to find a monogamous partner whose goal is to get married someday and have children.
What you need to do is STOP looking for such men in wrong places.
Dating site is mostly aimed at hookups. Why on earth would you want to go on dating sites if you are not into hookups? Can you just think about this for a second?
You said you were prevented from dating much younger per your parents rules. Young men who go to church are also prevented from dating young, and when they become an adult ( 18) they’ll continue to focus on pleasing their God, and to court one woman into marriage.
Isn’t this something you are likely looking for ?
Join a church. Get familiar with those kind of people.
Here is the thing. I’m just like you. I don’t do hookups. I am turned off by the thought of hookups and I’m a guy. When I hit on women at the bar, I don’t get what I wanted. When I hit on women at the gym, I don’t get what I wanted. But when I do hit on Christians, I feel an instant connection because those ladies will never, ever likely consent to hookups, neither will they make out on first dates or on any other dates, but instead will walk next to a guy on the way to getting married where all sexual pleasure can be achieved in a secure relationship.
Give it a try.
Date a few years older your age group are all about hookups, they care only about fun. People mid to late 20s are ready to settle down, I’d suggest going no older than 4-5 years tho cos past that they’ll be creepy towards you.
What major would only have 99% women???! Are there men at your college?
You have to go to where available men in your age range is.
Men are less likely to initiate as they used to be for fear of offending women. You will need to initiate more. You also have to be direct in your communication. Men don’t understand subtlety. It’s not that they don’t try, they just don’t understand. If you don’t want hookups then you must let them know from the start.
By the way, as a man I may ask 50 women to get a date. Whether this is online or in person, if you don’t already know them you have to be willing to initiate a lot for one date.
Get a hobby. Make some friends. Have some fun now that the pandemic is over. Meeting people and exercising your social skills will improve your chances of meeting people who are into you.