My husband (48m) and I (43f) have been together for almost 20 years and we have a daughter (14) together. He is a wonderful guy, funny, supportive, kind… until a minor inconvenience happens.
My mom came to visit and he was doing bbq, he dropped a sausage on the ground and he proceed to scream and cursed. She decided to leave and it was very embarrassing. I told him that I asked the wrong days off for our vacation (fixable mistake) and he left me and my daughter on Home Depot and locked himself in the car for over an hour. He spilled a bit of drink on the car sit? He throws the groceries on the floor while yelling.
I had talked to him about. I had got mad. I had throw a fit back at him, but it doesn’t seem like it makes a difference. I seriously don’t know what to do… any advice?
Edit: He is never violent towards me. And yes. This is a recent behavior, I’d say in the last 6 months he has at least 7 of this “episodes”. There haven’t been any changes in our lives and we aren’t under a big amount of stress over money. He got his testosterone checked out and it was normal. He is 100% against therapy.
37 comments
Is this all recent behavior? The previous 20 years were fine ? No screaming or the other stuff?
Does he recognize his behavior is a problem? If so, sounds like therapy and/or anger management classes are needed.
I would say, this behavior is negatively impacting me and our child. You need to go to therapy and do the work to solve whatever issue causes you to behave in such an outlandish way. If you do not have an appointment by the end of the month, I will ask you to move out. Please start calling therapists today.
If this is just a recent thing and not how he’s always been you might want to get him to a neurologist. Multiple things could cause erraticism and volatile behavior like that. Of course he could also just be an ass. But if he wasn’t always an ass, just get him in to rule out a few health conditions
Sounds like a personality disorder. He should speak to a therapist.
This is likely from unresolved trauma, even if we bury deep in our subconscious eventually it all comes out. I would bet he behaved this way as a child.
Maybe he’s going through a mid life crisis.
Anger management and therapy.
This is more than just dramatic.
Have you considered counseling? Honestly I don’t know if he can change. He sounds so immature and ridiculous.
Like others have said.
Depending on how onset this behavior is. It could be something more serious, or less such as hormonal like low testosterone. It could be result of feeling overwhelmed and the weight of the world is crushing him. Resulting in minor annoyances causing extreme reactions. Open communication needs to happen in a non-confronting or non-attacking manner. Whether it be something physical or psychological contributing to the behavior. Something is obviously going on. You and he are on the same team which requires support and advocacy of each other. Though it can be difficult not to be mad or embarrassed. Try to focus on being understanding.
Has he been prescribed Ozempic by any chance?
i’m not saying this is “good” or the right approach but as someone married to someone who would really benefit from therapy & is/was extremely resistant to going two things helped. one is in a calm moment & as non-threateningly as possible i informed him that if we were to divorce our state mandates a number of counseling sessions in that process so in a way it’s up to him if he wants to go voluntarily now or as part of the separation process. yes it was that serious & that matter of fact & i am/was fully prepared to go through with that…not an empty statement. & two this happened unexpectedly but what really helped was exposure to a comedian who joked about couples counseling…idk what clicked for him but he told me after that he kind of realized maybe it’s not this huge abnormal thing you go to get yelled at but just a way to help your situation & kind of tune-up. it broke the stigma for him. there are a lot of shows with therapy subplots & maybe one of them will get through to him. & we have only tried out one counselor so far but for me him being open to the process & willing to take even a baby step toward progress was a healing & hopeful sign. good luck
My partner struggles with his rage.
But he sees it’s a problem and tries wit work on it.
I expressed to him that his negative energy was taking a toll on my mental health AND his physical health/heart. Once he realized it affected others, he decided to start paying attention to it.
His job is the source of stress but it comes out at other times.
Get him into a doc
Stop validating his behavior or trying to console him
Film him during a melt down
Hold him accountable
Put a time limit on it. If he’s not improving 6 months from now, leave
It sounds terrifying. I would definitely get him checked for a full medical/psychological work-up to make sure everything is ok. This is not normal, and you shouldn’t have to live like this. That he escalates these minor inconveniences into rages and tantrums is worrying enough, but the fact that he is not taking them seriously is just as concerning. Something could be terribly wrong with him, and he doesn’t seem to care. And just as telling, he doesn’t care how it is affecting you and everyone else in his life, including his own children.
I wish you luck, and I hope you get some resolution on this.
If this is different and sudden behavior he should definitely see a doc to rule out medical issues. Good luck.
Does he snore or ever seem excessively tired during the day? Maybe get him checked for sleep apnea. Personality changes (especially irritability) seems to be a common symptom. I’ve seen people’s personalities change incredibly fast (for the better!) after getting used to a CPAP.
Maybe check his blood sugar regularly for a while, just in case. Untreated diabetes can also cause mood changes and it’s sometimes hard to detect because there can be little to no symptoms.
If you can make small changes (limiting sugar and caffeine, eating healthy food options, plenty of water, frequent walks, daily vitamins) maybe you will see a change? I think our diet impacts us more than we realize!
Early onset brain issues?
Anger management is definitely it usually it’s connected with Trauma.
Is it possible that he has begun drinking, or has increased his alcohol intake?
Does he have a history of drug use?
Based off of the little information I have, it’s a possiblity. It could also explain his resistance to counseling.
I second comments about seeing a doctor as this could be very medical.
This would be a hill id die on
Does he have adhd or any other neurodivergence? Mine makes me unable to react to small things in a normal way. I feel gutted over the most meaningless things. And because clumsiness is a symptom of adhd i drop things constantly and get so upset with myself. I mostly cry like someone died. Its completely unreasonable every single time but my reactions are severe over dumb stuff. Just wondering.
“What’s an overall perspective to keep in mind that encapsulates much of this? Well, Gottman emphasizes the importance of friendship in a marriage and that is very true. But I think a more useful idea to keep in mind is writer Alain de Botton’s notion of treating them like a child. No, don’t be condescending like you might with a kid, but we create a lot of problems because we expect our partner to always be a competent, emotionally stable “adult.” They’re not. I’m not. And you’re not. As humorist Kin Hubbard once said, “Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.” Showing the generosity and compassion that you naturally give to a child when they’re upset is a simple way to get around many of the problems we create. We’re just less likely to think a child is motivated by conscious malice. We think they must be tired, hungry, or moody. This is, frankly, an excellent thing to do with anyone. Don’t expect someone to always be rational. When Tom Stoneham, a professor of philosophy at the University of York, is teaching logic, he always says, “Don’t use this at home or you’ll end up unhappily single.” When a five-year-old starts shouting and calling you names, you don’t immediately shout back and call them a poopyhead. With kids we usually treat emotions as information, and this is great advice. We suspend judgment, listen, and stick to the real problem at hand. We’re just a lot more charitable. And that injection of positive emotion makes all the difference. Adulting is hard, and when someone relieves us of that enormous responsibility and realizes that inside we’re always a bit of a moody child, it works wonders. And this isn’t just speculation. A 2001 study shows people who are compassionate with their partner during arguments have 34 percent fewer of them, and they last half as long.”
— Plays Well with Others: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Relationships Is (Mostly) Wrong by Eric Barker
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I am happy to see a few replies inching dangerously close to the above approach.
Though, it does seem you went ahead and called him a poopy head.
His behavior and emotions are communicating *something.*
What he is doing is consistent with Low Frustration Tolerance. The cause? Who knows, that has to be explored.
It’s a feature of ADHD. It could be a symptom of stress. It could be some age-related physiological change.
Don’t approach this with a “how do I get you to change,” approach this with “what can I do to help?@
He needs to be seen medically.
This isn’t being dramatic, this is having definite anger management problems that he needs to talk to his doctor about and seek treatment for.
There is a dialectical skill called “distress tolerance” and it sounds like he really really needs to work on this. It’s not normal or rational for him to let these things affect him this much and there absolutely is something he can do about it. Does he do therapy at all?
Next time he has a meltdown, leave. Do not engage. This behavior is toxic and the stress and anxiety from it is not good for your health.
He’s got anger issues and doesn’t believe in therapy? That’s like having cancer and not believing in chemo. He’s not going to fix this alone and it may get worse. I don’t know what advice anyone can give you that’s going to help someone that doesn’t want help.
I’ve been him before. Could still be him. I’m on medication for ADHD and depression. I’m in counseling. It helps to just let your thoughts drain out of your head and have someone help filter them with you. He needs to recognize this and catch it before you leave, which is what happened to me. Now she has a boyfriend and I’m so upset with everything.
I would look into neurology visit if these are recent changes. My older sister became very quick to anger and hard to be around when she had a brain tumor. If not, then I hope he understands these are unacceptable behaviors.
He might be under some stress which he might be hiding from you to protect you?
He needs a medical evaluation stat. If this is relatively new behavior, something physical may be happening in his brain. It could be disease or tumor and it may be reversible. Please get him some help ASAP.
Doctor time!
Neurologist!
Film and audio record it. Doc will be able to understand it better.
This is abuse. And it WILL escalate. It doesn’t matter if he has never hit you before. He will. And this is him being violent, towards you and your children.
If he refuses therapy, LEAVE! He might be bipolar and need medication.
Low T is my assumption given age and mood swings