So there’s this guy and we have been friends for almost a decade but we weren’t really close but good friends atleast. Few months back when I accidentally met him with his friends group, I might have cracked an offensive joke which I believe isn’t that deep but he took offense to it and stopped talking to me. After a month of me trying to get in touch with him to apologize, we talked about this and he asked me not to worry and that all is well and he has forgiven me.
Few days back I met him again. This time it felt as if he was trying to avoid any conversation with me. He wasn’t ignoring but it felt a bit weird. I asked him whether all is well and are we back to normal as friends but he didn’t answer clearly and it seemed as if he low-key dislikes me. A little more talking and it felt as if he didn’t want to be in contact either.
One of our mutuals did tell me that maybe it won’t be back to normal and maybe I might have lost him as a friend even though he might have forgiven me. I am usually a very nice and kind guy and this is the first time something like this is happening with me.
Even though on average we met barely 10-15 times a year, it still hurts that an old friend now dislikes me and all of it because of a mistake which I have apologized for and cleared that I didn’t think before speaking. I feel a bit lost and my heart feels heavy. Sometimes I think what if all of them talk sh*t about me behind my back and all those thoughts make me feel very bad. I overthink a lot as well.
How do I deal with this? Any advice for stopping overthinking would also be nice.
Thanks
5 comments
Take a deep breath. And let go.
You can’t control what your friend’s think about you, and you shouldn’t try to either. You can’t be perfect in everyone else’s eyes. Sometimes, we outgrow people. It could be a series of things leading upto it or a small incident which has been perceived in a grave manner by someone else. As much as it hurts, you can’t force someone to rekindle the bond you once shared.
I’ve been there myself. It hurts to let go of friendships, they hurt more than relationships, but all bonds end. Accept and move on. You apologized and your apology was heard. That’s all you could do. Grieve, accept and carry on with your life. Best of luck!
Tell him straight up you want to repair your friendship because ever since you made that joke you feel like he’s been wary of you. Also, the context is important here. Was it a racist joke? Homophobic? Is he a racial minority or is he/does he know someone who identifies as LGBTQ? You might need to show actual personal growth if any of these were the case in order for him to respect/feel comfortable around you.
You *might* have cracked an offensive joke? Good friends that aren’t really close? Dude. You ran into him when he was out with his friends, said *something* inappropriate, and he ghosted you for a month.
He gave you a socially acceptable pass, and is giving you a socially acceptable dismissal. The polite thing for you to do now, is to accept the hint and in the future watch your mouth.
If he’s cutting you out of his life for one single joke, he’s not worth pursuing as a friend.
If it’s more than that, then maybe it’s something serious or complicated and he’s probably not going to ever tell you, so you need to drop it.
Losing friends is part of life. Doesn’t sound like he was super close. Seems like you’ve done enough to try to repair it. If he doesn’t come around now or make ammends, that’s on him. Not much more you can do.
There are plenty of people in the world. Just focus on those you are still close with. Acquaintances come and go.
First of all im sorry this happened. I hate how some people are not able to give people grace. As you obviously learned and want to do better. But it sounds like this will take time and space. Just leave him be and respect his space. This is a learning moment for you. Also sometimes people will take offense to things you didnt even know you did. It happens.