Title says it all.
I’m a SAHM with no income. I went shopping for baby and me a coat.
He (50M) was upset that I (35F) didn’t buy him anything or do anything special. He typically doesn’t want things when I ask him and he doesn’t seem to like my style so I didn’t ask.
We also haven’t celebrated holidays in the 5 years we’ve been together. So it was just a shock. We never celebrated before. So this was a little unexpected. He said some words about feeling unappreciated, and not a priority.
The thing is, especially with clothes, he doesn’t buy me anything just because. I always tell him what I want and he gets it. I didn’t get a Valentine’s gift, a birthday gift, a Mother’s Day gift, or anything. Anything I want, I tell him and he gets it. I tell him all the time just tell me what you want. I’m thinking about so many things all the time, it’s a lot to think for an adult who can articulate their wants and needs.
I cooked and he had most of the day to himself, I took baby with me all the places I went. I came back and started cleaning and gave baby a bath. Today I’m cleaning more, which he said he would do the past week or so and hasn’t done. I didn’t complain about that though.
I guess, how could I make it up to him? Or is there anything I need to do?
TL;DR: Husband upset I didn’t get him a gift even though he didn’t celebrate holidays. Do I need to do anything to make it up to him? How would you make it up?
14 comments
Sounds like neither of you is happy with how things are
You should probably find out what he’s really mad about. Is he jealous the baby gets more attention than him?
If you’ve never celebrated holidays, don’t buy each other clothes if makes no sense that he would suddenly expect everything to change for no reason and with no discussion whatsoever.
It’s my the gift. There are deeper issues. You are both feeling resentful because you are speaking different love languages and don’t feel appreciated as a result. He speaks gifts and you speak acts of service.
Counselling will help
I think you guys just need to sit down and talk. Kind of air out how you feel. Talk to him about his thing first.
“Babe.. the other day you said you were feeling unappreciated and like you’re not a priority. Is there something specific making you feel that way?”
Maybe after you address that, say:
“Babe, there’s something that’s been bothering me too. ——insert your thing—–”
It helps to just talk about it. Neither one of you can fix something that you don’t know is a problem.
Would y’all be interested in reading the 5 love languages together? It seems like neither of you know how to fill each others love cup.
If you’re a SAHM why do you have no income? Do you and your husband not share finances? How can he expect you to buy anything, then?
I don’t think you need to make it up to him. You didn’t do anything wrong. Just be honest and tell him this is a change and ask him if that’s something he would like in the future? Does he want to do holidays and gifts now? If so it needs to be a two-way street and he would get you gifts as well.
I would bet money that he is feeling under-loved since baby is in the picture.
This is a very common heterosexual male response to a new baby in their lives (especially the first_). Feeling like you used to look after him, but now it’s all about the baby.
You two need to talk about this!
>He said some words about feeling unappreciated, and not a priority.
That is the real problem. The coat is completely irrelevant. Sometimes people don’t have the maturity to talk about the real issue so they start a big fuss about something else. You don’t need to “make it up to him” about this incident because this isn’t the problem.
You guys need to start talking about your actual grievances. You CLEARLY have needs that he is not meeting in certain areas, so tell him. He needs to further discuss feeling like he’s not a priority and why exactly he feels that way. He’s probably going to say you spend too much time with the baby or something like that, at which point you will probably tell him that he needs to help out more with the baby, and so on.
Based on another comment, he sounds abusive, telling you can’t have money. That’s financial abuse. You’re working around the clock to care for your kid, and him.
If he were a healthy partner, which he isn’t, I would recommend asking him for clear requests for gifts, but this is not a healthy partner. Please consider leaving. As the stay at home parent, you’d be entitled to both child support and alimony.
It also sounds like he doesn’t help with housework. Another benefit of leaving is less laundry etc.
Not cheating on you or beating you is a ridiculously low bar – he doesn’t sound like a good husband at all. In general he sounds really ungrateful and manipulative.
He hung up on you! It will be better for the kids if they don’t see you being taken for granted and mistreated.
I don’t think that you have to compensate – you were operating the status quo. You could use it as an opportunity to talk, clarify expectations, and perhaps commence new practices, more aligned to what you both want. Good luck!
What do you do that “tells” him that you value him above all other men?
You are being financially and now emotionally abused by your husband.
He’s 15 years older than you… You cook, clean, take care of his child and essentially have an “allowance” as he sees fit? Why the heck did you agree to this situation with no merging of finances and financial protections in place?
Forget about the gift. Is your name on the deed to the house? On the bank accounts? On the investment accounts? Is there a life insurance policy? Did you sign a prenup that would give you any kind of protection? You need to do a lot of research in regards to the laws regarding all this where you live. Expand your financial literacy.
What happens if he decides he wants a divorce tomorrow or you decide you want one? What if something happens to him? Are you and your child going to be financially provided for or is he going to make your life hell? Because he doesn’t sound like the most generous man. I would make this man sign a post-nup basically guaranteeing some sort of financial protection for me and my child. Consult an attorney. The man wont even let you order UberEats, smh.
In my personal experiences even if you had brought him a gift home he would have been angry because: “Why don’t you know me & what I like” or “How could you spend MY money without talking to me first, I earned it!” Or “You only bought this so I have to get YOU a gift in return”
It feels (IMO) like this was a lose-lose situation from the beginning. He could’ve been creating an excuse to be openly angry towards you.