It is as the title reads.
I have four children, two sons and two daughters, all of whom are now adults. My younger son, Michael, as a child was always much more sensitive and shy than my older son. He still had the typical interests of a young boy, but he made friends more easily with girls. I had worried about him for various reasons, not wanting him to be bullied as he grew older.
When he was struggling in school, among other issues, my wife and I brought him to a child therapist. We learned of some troubling events going on in our family, and because of this I have not spoken to my brother and several family members who defended him in many years.
Once this was resolved, Michael began to grow out of being shy, and as a teenager he had a quite many friends and even several girlfriends. I figured he was just a sensitive soul, and the ladies loved him for it. He went on to make us proud with a good career in the military, and he would occasionally come visit for holidays with a girlfriend.
Now, to the present issue. Michael came out to both my wife and I as gay a few years ago. He told us he had struggled and denied it for a long time within himself, but he had met a man he wants to spend his life with. I told him I am very happy for him to do as he pleases, but that I was concerned he was deeply hurt and looking in the wrong place to right that wrong. He had always seemed so happy with his girlfriends that I would have never predicted this. I am worried he’s confused because of what happened to him, and I feel it’s my fault for leaving him with this confusion because we didn’t know to get him help sooner.
He begged me to understand that it’s because of what happened that it took him so long to accept himself, not the other way around. I am struggling everyday, blaming myself for the hurt he went through and that I didn’t see the signs sooner. I feel that I’ve failed him as a father. I should have been able to protect him sooner.
Now he’s deeply upset that I cannot understand him, but I am trying. I agree he’s found a very nice man to live with, and I have no issues there, but I can’t help but feel embarrassed how others will see I’ve done a poor job to protect my son when he was just a little boy. In the past we spoke frequently. Now I can feel he’s shut himself off to me. He calls less often. Our conversations are shorter. I want to bridge this gap but I don’t know how to understand what he’s trying to tell me. Please, I just need advice on what I can say to him so he will understand I love him and I only want for him to be happy.
TLDR I’m worried that because my son was hurt as a child and there was a time where my wife and I were unaware, that he didn’t receive the help he needed soon enough. I feel it’s my failure as a father which has led him to seek comfort for a wrong, but now my inability to understand him has built a wall between us. I desperately want back the relationship I had with my son but I don’t know what to say to him. I have told him I love him, and that we love his partner as well. Nothing I say seemed to be able to repair what I’ve done.
39 comments
You need to start with the words “I was so wrong, and I will never be able to apologize enough.”
you didn’t fail by not protecting him. you can’t prevent assault but you failed by telling him his feeling were his. you can’t fix this with “i. love you and your partner” you need to admit you were foolish to blame his orientation on him being assaulted. i was assaulted and blamed my sexuality on that only to remember later in my life that i exhibited traits way before i was assaulted. to blame his sexuality on his assault was wrong. attend therapy with him but please understand that sexual orientation precedes attraction it seems. some psychologist even believe most humans are born bisexual and then guided to one side or not through life experiences. but still no one likes men because they were raped by a man that’s ass backwards my friend.
Acknowledge that your initial reaction to his coming out hurt him. Then, make it super clear that you’ve been doing some soul-searching and that you fully support him and his choices. You can’t change the past, but opening up about your own struggle to understand may help mend the relationship moving forward. Keep the focus on your love for him, not your fears or embarrassments.
>but I can’t help but feel embarrassed how others will see I’ve done a poor job to protect my son when he was just a little boy.
You are making this about you. Your feelings for a horrible thing your kid went through. He’s told you that his homosexuality has nothing to do with his abuse, and that the abuse is what made it more difficult for him to accept himself. I can imagine your son felt a lot of confusion during his teenage years because his uncle was a molester (reading between the lines) and your son was always gay from the time he was born, but in his mind as a young kid he may have been scared that made him like his uncle.
Your son worked through those fears and accepted himself. You should take his word on his own life experience- he’s the only expert in that.
I’m wondering if you say things that have made him sense your feelings and fear about how others view this situation. I’d sit down and write an apology note that keeps your worries out of it, let him know you are proud of him and the man he is and happy he’s found a great partner. Tell him you know you haven’t always handled things well in the past and you apologize for any hurt you’ve caused, but you hope when your son is ready he will reach out to you & that you can spend time together again. Then leave it and let him come to you.
Stop caring what other people think. If others think you’ve done a bad job as a father, then they don’t have to be in your life anymore
OP – I am a trauma therapist and I have worked with many straight and gay patients in the past 25 years. Childhood sexual abuse does not change sexual orientation.
I am sorry that your son was abused. You can’t protect your child from something or someone who intends to hide their abuse of a child.
His abuse does not reflect on you.
His being gay has nothing to do with the abuse or with your parenting. That is not how sexual orientation works. It is an in-born trait, just like hair or eye color. Nothing you did as a father caused his sexual orientation.
If you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your son it is critical that you seek therapy yourself to address your guilt and to develop an accepting and loving attitude about your son.
It is also critical that you stop sharing with your son that you think you have failed him. Under that is the idea that his sexual orientation is a bad outcome – that is a rejecting and judgmental attitude that will he quite obvious to him.
“I was wrong. I was projecting my guilt over what happened to you as a child onto this, and have realized that just like I got you help when you were struggling it’s time that I sought out that same help so I can begin to heal. I am not ashamed of or embarrassed by you simply for existing as you are. I understand if you are not ready to give me the chance to try to repair our relationship. I am going to be attending therapy myself so I can begin to process my feelings about the past in a healthier way that doesn’t project negatively on you any more.”
And then you get your ass in therapy and let him reach out when he decides that he’s ready.
You’re projecting your own fears and ideas onto your son, and refused to believe him. I would try talking to a therapist so you can sort these things out within yourself.
He deserves to be trusted, believed and loved for the person he is. Nothing about him is embarrassing. Give him that acknowledgment and respect.
You feel shame about your son being who he is. I’m sure he can feel it. And now, your son doesn’t trust or feel safe with you. You might not ever be able to repair your relationship, but if you can, it’s going to take a lot more than apologies. Stop asking for absolution from your son. It is not fair and is only for your own satisfaction. I’m sure it cuts like a knife every time you act like him being gay is a result of your failure.
You need to work on yourself so you won’t hurt him again. Do not force yourself on him. Let him set the terms of any relationship you have or do not have.
I suggest you work through your feelings with a therapist who is experienced with LGBTQ+ and family dynamics. You need to do a lot of work on yourself.
Harsh truth time: stop being an asshole and listen to your son. You won’t accept him for who he is and that is why he isn’t in your life as much as you’d like. You’re pushing him away. Stop making his sexual assault about YOU. It has nothing to do with who he is now and it’s time for you to get some therapy and tell your son you understand that he is gay and that you love him regardless. And apologize for being an asshole and not listening to him.
Trust is lost in buckets and gained in drops OP. And you’ve spent his whole life emptying his supply with your comments and attitude.
The homophobic (and sexist) comments regarding him having female friends, “being sensitive”, and “confused”. The absolutely backwards belief that being molested made him gay (which does not happen). The fact that you’re making HIS traumatic incident about YOUR feelings. At some point, you just stop trusting people to not hurt you and once you reach that point, it almost never reverses. And the harder you push, the faster you will reach that point.
Not to mention, the huge emotional burden you keep placing on him. You both want him to hate you, so you can feel punished for your “failure” and to absolve you for “failing”. Want him to be happy, but keep making homophobic comments that imply that you’re ashamed of him. Being around you undoubtably makes him incredibly stressed out, upset, and emotionally drained.
(Seriously, I’m not even the person being told that being assaulted must have caused my orientation, and I’m FURIOUS! How can you even say that to a person?!? That statement alone would be enough to go permanently No Contact for a lot of people. I can’t even.)
And that’s not even touching how traumatizing it must be for him to not only be a victim of abuse, but to have a person in his life try to co-opt that trauma and make it about themselves. You’re not the victim here, OP. And punishing yourself won’t magically un-molest your son. Nor will challenging his sexuality fix any of your problems.
As for what you need to do, first and foremost you need therapy. You can’t even think about fixing your relationship until your guilt is under control, and you’ve started to accept that you didn’t “fail” your son. Secondly, you need to start educating yourself about other sexualities. Because everything you’ve said is just…no. You are just wrong about everything, and you’re going to keep hurting your son if you’re still making homophobic remarks every time you talk to or about him.
And finally, you need to stop pushing and to not have any expectations. Apologize one last time for that horrible remark, for pushing him so hard for forgiveness, and for making his pain about you. Just like a large injury, the damage is done, and it will heal at whatever rate and to whatever degree it’s going to.
Best thing you can do is give him distance and time to actually process your actions, and not try to make him forgive you when he reaches back out. Your relationship may improve over time, it may not.
Okay so I’m confused. Are you embarrassed of him? (Your title) or are you embarrassed of yourself for not protecting him? (In your story) because to be honest those questions have different answers. You do need to apologize for your ignorance though. Since neither one of you know how to navigate this maybe go to a therapist for an intermediary.
Seek comfort for a wrong?
Are you implying that your son is not gay?
Gently, this isn’t about YOU. Stop centering yourself in your son’s coming out.
The reason he’s pulling back is because you’re making his life about you and your embarrassment.
If you want to improve your relationship with him, YOU need to get help for your so very obvious issues.
You need to STOP telling your son that he’s wrong about his sexuality immediately. That’s a good start.
And do you think that people will see your son with a man and just assume that you “failed to protect him”? I’m confused.
Stop conflating him being gay with him having been abused. They are separate things, not a cause and effect. Get over the fact that he’s gay, and apologize for not understanding and not coming off as supportive and explain that it was coming from a place of your own guilt over what happened when he was a child. And that it has nothing whatsoever to do with him. That’s how you fix it.
1. Get yourself to therapy.
2. Attend your local PFLAG meetings as often as they offer them.
3. Apologize for your shitty reaction to his coming out and denying his identity and making it about you.
4. Apologize for CONTINUING to insist his identity has ANYTHING at all whatsoever to do with his abuse. It doesn’t. He’s gay because he’s gay. End of story.
5. Apologize for your continued insistence that he’s only gay because you failed. You realize you are saying “being gay is a bad thing, and you wouldn’t be gay if I was a better father”, right???
6. Apologize for how long you have made HIS identity and HIS story about you. *Start listening to what he’s saying*.
7. Stop making his being gay having to do with your insecure feelings. You are the only person looking at his being gay as having ANYTHING at all to do with you. When he tells other people he’s gay, all they’re hearing…is that he’s gay. You aren’t even a thought that crosses their minds.
8. Stop making it your son’s job to therapize you for your difficult feelings around the trauma that occurred. That is now between you and your therapist. Your son should not have to comfort you over *his* trauma/abuse.
9. Let him know you have been in therapy and are serious about growing as a person.
10. Respect his boundaries. The trust you have broken here will not be mended overnight. You must re-prove you are worthy of trusting. You need to let that go at his pace, not yours.
He told you the harm he went through as a child did not cause this. He’s always been gay. The incident just made it take him longer to accept himself.
It’s okay to take some time to process your own feelings. Try to seperate out the feeling of ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you’ from the feeling of ‘my son is gay’
Apologize.
What happened with him coming out and your response was that he cane out. You told him that he’s wrong, he’s not gay, he’s confused and his sexuality is wrong and only a result of trauma basically rejecting him whether you meant it like that or not.
And what he said, it’s pretty simple is, was that he had trouble accepting his sexuality but after all that struggle accepted himself and wanted to share this monumental thing with you
As for him seeming happy with his Gfs, he wasn’t atleast not how he could be with a man…couldn’t be. It doesn’t matter what you think you saw (clearly you’re wrong sometimes) this is why he’s TELLING you not leaving it up to your assumptions. He’s letting you in
Apologize and listen to him now what you make up in your head.
He has forgiven you, and by you not forgiving yourself you are forcing him to stay in the past with the pain when he wants to move forward.
The problem is you aren’t listening.
The past isn’t why your son is gay.
So stop trying to make it about the past.
Stop being ashamed that your child is gay or thinking it’s something that can be changed . This is coming from a gay man, who’s had girlfriends, who’s hidden it before.
He’s gay. I’m gay. Past relationships won’t and don’t change that.
Stop rejecting that and acting like it’s a failure. That’s actually failing your son.
Try exchanging shame with gratitude. You’re already here saying that his partner is a nice person, so maybe that’s a good starting point. “I’m so glad and thankful that you have someone that treats you so well like ___ does, I’m happy for you and the life you’re building together. I’m sorry that it took time for you to accept certain parts of yourself, and an even longer time for me to be able to fully understand that as well. I want you to know that I love you, I’m so proud of you, and my biggest goal is just for you to be happy. Watching you grow and become your truest self is one of the greatest gifts that life has given to me.”
So your son tells you he’s gay, you tell him he’s wrong. You don’t think he’s wrestled with his feelings for 40 years? You don’t think he knows who he is attracted to? Your sexual identity is who you are, you don’t become gay or straight because of life events.
You literally think people will be embarrassed by your son for being gay and blame you and think you’re a failure as a parent. You are a failure as a parent- but not because your son is gay. You’re a failure for rejecting your son, thinking he’s confused, being embarrassed by him, by making his struggle about you, and for not loving your son unconditionally.
You don’t want him to be happy, you want him to be your version of happy.
Why care about ‘WHY’ your son loves someone? It’s less about accepting homosexuality. You are overthinking this too much. Like anyone, no matter what sexual orientation your kid is, it’s the same. They should NEVER EVER have to justify a sound reason to choose any partner. Even if some life trauma or some bad parenting led to that love, so what???
Love is love. And love is good.
The ability to love is gold. Your kid provided love to another human being, so that is already a pure blessing!
Nothing can MAKE or TURN someone gay. Sexual attraction (and lack of) are not choices. Jess telling you that this is so he has always been. Believe your silly son. I would never tell my child that I felt like a failure because they love someone who happens to be the same gender.
The answer is right there in your post.
>> I love him and only want for him to be happy.
That’s *all* you say to him about his life. Tell him you’re happy he’s happy, that you support him no matter what and that he and his man are always welcome in your home.
Stop making this about you. Reading between the lines, your relative molested your son. It’s absolutely awful. I understand the guilt you’re feeling but on the other hand sounds like you stepped up the moment things came to light. This is what matters.
If you need to talk to someone about your guilt, talk to a therapist. Don’t put this burden on your son’s sexuality. Out of all the misplaced guilt, this is the weirdest place to put it.
Also, what do others have to do with it? When I see a gay couple, I don’t think either of their parents failed them. I’m sorry my man, but wtf?
Acceptance of a person is also accepting their pain and perception. Start by taking his perception as equally valid. I’m sure there are a ton of details throughout that time which complicate this situation. But really. Meditate on the idea that his perception is just as valid as your own. It’s been a long time. You both have had enough time to distort your memories.
Maybe you were kinder or crueler than you remember. Maybe he was more in or out of line than he remembers. Maybe ask him if he would be willing to exchange letters about how you both remember things to at least set the memories where they are now.
If you insist, despite him telling you otherwise, on believing that his childhood experience is responsible for him being gay, this means you believe his sexuality is a choice. And deep down, a choice you don’t accept is right. But it isn’t. He is gay, he has always been gay, he was born gay.
I doubt you have to convince him of your love. I’m sure he knows you love him. But you can’t make it clear to him that you accept him until you actually do.
And talk to him about your overwhelming guilt about his childhood abuse. I’m sure your son knows that this was not your fault. Hopefully he can help you understand that too.
Being told your entire life you’re gonna grow up and have a wife in a world where being gay (especially at the time of your son’s childhood and early adulthood years) has an effect on people. It makes them believe they are straight because they think it’s the only option and it makes them think they have to suppress all their natural feelings.
Imagine every crush you’ve ever had through out your childhood and adult life. Now imagine you feel as if all of them are wrong or bad and you should feel bad about all of them. That’s how some people feel growing up. That messes with people’s heads. It causes them to becomes confused and be in denial.
You don’t always have to understand every aspect of your son, you just gotta let him know everything is ok and you’re there for him. Even if the next day after he came out he changed his mind. It’s fine. It’s all fine. No harm in trying new things and exploring self discovery. But he didn’t change his mind, did he?
He’s an adult, you kinda just gotta trust him. You may not always understand but you have to trust son when he comes to you about personal stuff. If he seems happy in his relationship then he’s probably just happy that way
So you feel like him being gay means you failed? No wonder your relationship is strained. Address your homophobia before you lose your son for good
You’re making everything about you. Time to seek your own therapy before your relationship with your son is irreconcilable.
You know what’s actually making you a failure of a father? Not accepting your son’s sexuality, you assuming you know more about your son’s taste than he does, and making someone’s sexuality all about you. This post is what you should be embarrassed about. The relationship now directly correlates to your attitude towards his homosexuality. If he doesn’t feel comfortable being 100% himself around you, why *would* he want to have a relationship with you?
Your son isn’t speaking with you because you aren’t listening to him. Same gender attraction has nothing to do with abuse. You saw very little with his relationships because they’re private and because people scared and in the closet pretend to be happy as it’s what everyone expects.
“I am worried he’s confused because of what happened to him.” – How can you repair or rebuild a relationship when your opinions are fundamentally flawed and just wrong? He knows who he is and has told you.
“I don’t know how to understand what he’s trying to tell me” – Why do you not understand him telling you he’s in love?
You’re denying who he is as a person and your homophobia is not allowing you to accept him. “I have told him I love him” – then SHOW HIM you do and stop denying who he is.
Meet him where’s he’s at. Take the time to work on yourself. This is a you problem. Your son has grown into a happy confident man. Enjoy his happiness. As a parent, there are many things I wish I would have done differently when raising my son. I don’t think there’s a parent out there that hasn’t made mistakes. Accept the day as you can’t change the past. Spare your son the regrets and move on.
About your guilt
When you saw he was struggling , you got him help, and dealt with the issue. He went on to have healthy and happier years as a teenager and adult, with women and now a man.
This may not seem like much but, most of the time this story doesnt go this well. Often the struggling child goes unnoticed, the child grows into an adult enduring years and decades of struggle and secrecy , developing worsening relationships and sense of self, unable to connect, to love himself or others, and so on.
You were there for him relatively quickly. You saved him and supported him. Enough that he went on to be as healthy and happy as he has been and is now.
His relationship with the man now is actually a credit to you and how youve done well by your son. You couldnt save him from everything, but you did a lot and you helped process the things that went wrong – it was good enough that you raised a kid who could love deeply.
OP, you need to stop making his being gay about YOU. I know you love your son, I can hear it in your words, but the fact that instead of lovingly embracing him for who he is, your worried people are going to say “He’s gay because he was molested” and that somehow being your fault is doing lasting damage and you need to stop.
If he had been gay all these years and came to you and said he might actually be straight, would you have fought this hard? Sexuality is a spectrum; it’s possible he may be bi and have been genuinely attracted to the women he was with in the past, or he just found women who he could be great friends with and had sex with them because that’s what he was told a relationship is.
If you don’t accept him now for who he is, who he knows himself to be, you will hurt him. Stop worrying about what other people think; would you rather strangers thing your normal and loose your son?
It took me until 25 to admit I was bisexual thanks to my same sex parent’s sexual abuse toward me. A big reason for that is because I would be horrified for other people to think I’m not straight because of what someone did to me when I was a kid (perhaps, even, that I’m attracted to her?).
The best thing you can do is NOT connect those dots ever again. He deserves to be understood as his own sexual being and not as a product of his childhood sexual abuse. He does not want you to remind him that the genitals he loves are in the same class as the genitals that attacked him.
Consider this: if it were your sister that did it, and he came out straight, would you blame it on her?
You mean your kid is finally happy and free of the shackles that his trauma inflicted upon him and you’re EMBARRASSED?
Tbh I hope your kid never talks to you again. It is absolutely vile that, instead of celebrating his healing, you’re embarrassed that his pain isn’t continuing to keep him closeted.