Hello all,
Ill keep this short, this is a throw away as well.
I would appreciate any advice anyone can give me! I need a different perspective here.
My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years and we have 3 kids together. I work fulltime and she is a SAHM. Our 2 oldest are school age kids and our youngest daughter stays at home with her the full day. We have had our rough spots, but lately things have been overall great. We go on dates a few times a month, we watch shows, we sneak away and cuddle while the kids are doing other things. We have really started to have a lot of fun together recently.
Video games have come up as an issue in the past. Sometimes she is okay with me playing, but others she is not at all and can get angry. Once the kids go to down we have about 2.5 hours of time before bed, but on weekends we have closer to 4 hours. We will either watch tv together or I will play games on my PC. She does not have any hobbies and will typically clean, do other household chores or just sit and scroll on her phone if I decide I want to play on my PC for a bit. Which makes me feel bad because this is a perfect time to relax, but she won’t. We both deserve time to unwind and relax, but if I decide to do it alone, she can get upset.
This is where I need another perspective. I do not think that I play that much at all. I play 4.5 to 5.5 hours a week. I will usually play for around an hour 3-4 times a week and then watch an episode of a show with her. Maybe once every few weeks I will get a weekend night to have a longer session. She will not talk about this but will insist there is no problem.
Nights where I do not game, we will chit chat and typically watch 2.5 hours of something on TV.
I have to hesitate when I have a night in mind that I want to play. If I have not given her enough notice that I am playing, it can cause her to get angry. She will say I am not spending enough quality time with her. I am doing everything I can here, but I do not want this to become a bigger issue.
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Am I playing too much?
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12 comments
In my opinion you are not gaming too much. This is a reasonable amount of time to spend on a hobby.
I would bring up your point of when you relax alone she should too. As long as you help with chores and household duties you should not feel guilty relaxing when you have down time even if she won’t settle down. You can’t force her to relax.
I’m going to get downvoted into oblivion, but here’s my opinion.
Most people don’t look at video games as a “productive” hobby. It’s not looked at as a skill, or mental development, or physical improvement, or side gig to earn money. It’s generally viewed by adults as a black hole time sink.
She probably doesn’t understand that to you, it’s a method of relaxation. It’s not the same as even reading a book (mental stimulation).
I don’t have a good answer for trying to change her mind. But I generally don’t think it’s healthy to look at “who is right or wrong”. You guys need to come to an agreement. Most likely, you have set times to play video games, that she expects. And she has set time to relax, where you watch the kids.
> Am I playing too much?
For you: No
For her: Yes
Once you bring kids into the equation, so many things change about a marriage and responsibilities. You are 100% entitled to relaxing times. The problem is that your wife, for whatever reason, feels like there isn’t enough quality time with the two of you OR that you’re not doing enough to help around the house.
Often dads get into a mindset of “I worked an 8 hour day and my wife stayed at home with the kids. I deserve to not do chores.” I’m not saying that is your case but it’s a common issue in marriages and dead bedrooms (again, not that this is your case).
In our home (what we do, not what I expect all married couples to do), my wife was a SAHM for our three kids. They are adults now, but when they were little and I’d come home from work, if she was doing chores, so was I. So if she got up to do chores around the house, I would honestly feel bad that she was working while I was sitting around playing World or Warcraft or watching something on TV. If I needed to have down time, for whatever reason, I’d tell her and if she got up to do chores during that time I wouldn’t feel bad at all. It would work the same way for her having down time. We actually ended up with a rule of “no chores after 8 unless a kid got up and needed us”. That was our time to do our own things or our together things.
You both need to take a night, after the kids go to bed and when neither of you are stressed, to just talk about this issue with each other. Does she realize you only game ~ one hour a night? Do you possibly always game for your 1 hour while the dinner dishes need done? Is it possible you only think you’re gaming for an hour a night but you are getting lost in game and it’s much longer? Is there something else she’d rather be doing with you besides watching TV with you or watching you play games? The questions are many and they all require you both to communicate effectively about them.
It sounds like maybe she is directing her frustrations in the wrong place and needs to find a new hobby. My husband is a gamer, he was a gamer before we met and getting married was not going to change that. He plays almost every day and I am completely fine with that because 90% of the time we spend at least some quality time together every night. He plays after we eat dinner until it’s time to tuck our son in, then he asks me if I’d like him to stop playing now or if I’d like some down time, I almost always take the down time first, we come up with a round about time for him to log off and then we spend the rest of the night together. Or, if I want to be near him but I know he’s had a rough day and wants to play I will simply sit in his office (where his PC is) and read or watch Tiktok, parallel play works wonders for us. Maybe ask her what an ideal amount of quality time a week would be and what it would involve and go from there?
It does not sound like you are spending too much time on this to me overall. However, regardless if you are right or wrong, your wife has an issue and it seems like her issue is that (1) she would like to know when you plan to game (2) she would like you to pitch in on chores on the weekend (3) she would like more quality time with you. The first two don’t seem overly demanding to me and relatively simple to meet the need.
For the third one, it seems like you are already spending time with her every day which you consider quality time, so have you asked her what is missing for her? Is it the stuff you are doing with your time together – like it is time but not QUALITY time to her? What does she really want from you? I’m not sure you have fully understood what she is looking for or what is missing for her. Quality time means different things to different people, what does it mean TO HER? That is what you need to find out. This is her need, she needs to be specific as to what “quality time” is and whether it is quantity, quality or both that is the issue.
I think one issue here might be that she doesn’t have any hobbies of her own, and so she doesn’t have anything to do when you are gaming. Being a SAHM is isolating, and unless she makes an effort to actually do something for herself, she might not feel happy without even realizing what is missing for her. You can’t solve that problem for her, but you could suggest to her that maybe she would enjoy singing up for a class or something that gets her out of the house once a week. Offer it up to her, tell her you have noticed that she doesn’t take any “me time”, and you would be happy to take on the kids once a week in the evenings or weekends so she can have time to enjoy whatever.
I don’t think you are playing too much, but this is your wife’s call.
She is craving more intimacy with you, so maybe try to focus on more time together. Going for a walk and holding hands is a tried and true method.
Well Same here, I found a remedy for myself! I wake
Up at 0 dark 30, I have the night for me and can play to my hearts content! I can my wife’s argument follow, because when I’m Deep in To Starfield, The Division 2, the Forzas, then the world can kiss me where no sun ever is going to shine! So I compromise.
I usually play this way 2-5 hours. I got used to sleep 4-5 hours, sleep deprivation doesn’t strike me no more…
Usually an issue like this isn’t necessarily about the time spend gaming, but about time that isn’t spent doing something else.
If you spend 4-5 hours a week gaming, do you spend at least 4-5 hours a week devoting your undivided attention to her and you being a couple — not watching TV, not talking about the kids, not sitting next to each other while doing other stuff, but couple time (walks where you reconnect or cuddle time)?
Do you spend at least 4-5 hours a week paying undivided attention to the kids (actively playing and connecting with them, no screens)?
Just something to think about
Have her read reality is broken by Jane McGonigal. She will gain a whole new perspective on the psychological and social benefits of gaming. Played in moderation, which it sounds like you do, is a very good thing. When I read that book it sure changed my thinking and how I handled video game usage with my teenagers. Good luck
As a wife of a gamer who has similar frustrations let me say that she likely resents something about it. If there is still cleaning to be done you shouldn’t be playing a game. Spending time with her if everything is fine should be first, not second. She may not be getting enough special attention from you which is causing resentment. Also, I have a fear of him talking to women online. So what if you involved her in your gaming? She might be hesitant if it’s not her thing, but insist she join you even just 1 night a week and I bet it will bring you closer.
“She does not have any hobbies and will typically clean, do other household chores”
Can you help her finish up the chores before you play?
She needs a hobby, everyone need their alone time.