me (26f) and my bf (25m) have been together a little over a year. we don’t live together but he stays at my place 4-5 times a week. when we’re at home, usually it’s not a problem but when we have a date night outside, we can’t seem to find anything to talk about.
we know each other pretty well at this point, so the getting to know each other phase is over. when we’re at home, we would either be doing something like watching tv, playing some games, cooking or even sharing a bottle of wine and listening to music and dancing gives us so much joy and we actually have fun! we also have no trouble having deep conversations from time to time. occasionally we also like to be on our phones, just hanging out together like that and sometimes from a video we see online we can just start a conversation.
but whenever we’re outside it seems that we can’t find topics to talk about. I know that we would both like to talk to each other and it’s not like one party is less interested in talking than the other. of course we talk about small things, we both try to make conversation but we can’t keep it going for some reason. I love the concept of going out to have a nice meal and a few drinks with my bf but I will become bored when we are just sitting there in silence and I know he will too.
is this normal? any tips on how to make conversation with your partner in situations like this?
TL;DR: my bf and I can’t keep a convo going when we’re out, how to fix this?
6 comments
Things that have happened in the day. Things that are going on around us. Things seen/happened. Dreams. Revisiting old subjects. Teasing/flirting/joking. Plans for the future. Any old random things
Ha. Well it sounds like your comfortable in each other’s presence at least.
Surely this is a case of knowing what you *want* to talk about? No one else can say it for you.
My partner and I will talk about the meal, the news, politics, other people…whatever comes up. If you’re struggling…and as odd as it may seem…maybe prepare some topics in advance in your head?
You could do something before the dinner and drinks (movie, music, art, groupons, escape rooms) or occasionally invite friends. Give yourselves something to talk about. Or go to dinner theater. Or talk about the things that are in front of you or are happening now. If you don’t already, sit next to him instead of in front of him and people watch. Make fun stories about them.
Also make sure you have your own friends and hobbies and life outside of each other so you can talk about that.
Note: If you invite friends, don’t fall into that trap where you rely on friends too much because you can’t face the boredom of your relationship ha. I’ve seen that happen too.
… huh. My partner and I are always riffing off each other, discussing topics of the day, joking. Maybe you’re just less talkative ppl in general?
INFO: do you both have this dynamic when you hang out with friends?
Lots of people love the concept of doing certain things but the reality of it doesn’t actually work for them.
It’s perfectly fine to decide the fantasy or social expectation of having dinner and drinks with your SO is not something you guys actually enjoy. Not sure this is something that actually has to be fixed. You enjoy each others company doing plenty of other things.
Is it just dinner and drinks or doing anything outside. Like, would you still be bored at an arcade or escape room or other kinds of entertaining activities outside the house?
I too like the concept of just a romantic dinner and some drinks but find the reality too boring or aggravating to try and make conversation in that situation, I feel both bored and under pressure. My thoughts don’t gather well in it. Might be my ADHD. I’m mostly inattentive type and it makes me wander, it can also be very distracting, or overwhelming or both unconsciously around me. There is both too little and too much going on for me at the same time. I might want my brain tell me “yes, this is nice” but my brain yells at me that I’m cruel to it “what the hell! Why are you doing this to me? Better be a good reason, you jerk!”
I would worry about it and force myself to knuckle through things it if it was for work or an SO who absolutely needed it sometimes (not often, if they needed it often we just wouldn’t be compatible). Otherwise if it’s just a relationship thing and my SO and I are both otherwise happy and both find it tedious, I’m not going to look for things to feel unhappy over not doing, because I feel like I should enjoy them.
I used to feel things like that are necessary and put myself (and partners) through so much stress trying to make myself enjoy it. But it’s not and it’s not what I actually enjoy and that’s perfectly fine. Fuck trying to fix something that’s not actually a broken piece of me. It’s just not a piece of me. Again which is fine.
You may feel differently and still feel you want to fix it. That’s perfectly valid, I’m just giving a different perspective.
I wouldn’t think think about the conversation in terms of topics. This inherently has borders around it and inevitably has a start and a stop. Good conversations are fluid, where the “topic” is frequently changing, like a never ending metamorphosis.
For me, when I am conversing and listening to someone speak, I try to either follow up with a question or comment, or an opinion that I am fairy sure they will have some sort of comment or question about, to keep some fire and momentum. IMO questions and curiosity keep the conversation going, and it takes two, and you can take turns (subconsciously) who is playing the curious one; but if neither of you is curious about the other one, or don’t have something that you even just want to rant about.. then yes, you will be sitting in silence, which of course is okay but I know you are looking for some better banter.
There’s also a channel called Charisma on Demand where this guy Charlie really breaks down a lot of these conversational structures if you really want to get studious about it. IMO everyone can always learn how to become a better conversationalist. Good luck!