We’ve been together for almost a year now, but some time ago on a drunken night, my (bi) girlfriend said that I wouldn’t love her if she was a man. I consider myself to be straight (male). The question seemed so extreme to me that I wasn’t even sure she was joking or not, but I couldn’t really tell her it wasn’t true without feeling like I’m lying. So I said I wouldn’t be in love with her because I wouldn’t feel attracted in the same way. To her, this was shocking… I actually hurt her with this and she thinks I don’t love her in the same way and that my love is superficial.
We got through it together and some time has passed, but it recently came up again and she still feels hurt by it and wants time alone.
Do you have any advice for me?
I don’t wanna lose her over this.
38 comments
It’s an immature girl thing. Just wait till she wakes you up in the middle of the night and asks if you would still love her if she was a worm. Just keeping being kind and honest. She has to sort the rest out for herself.
If she’s behaving like this over a silly question, I highly suggest you find a better gf.
Your girlfriend is stupid and wants to play games. Explain to her you won’t engage with it and that she should grow up and accept you for who you are.
Not sure why you would put up with this immaturity, sounds like she just wants to be upset.
Sure, here’s the advice.. recommend she seeks out counseling because seriously what the fuck?!
Well, you sound like a right cnut!
How dare you not be homosexual to accommodate your bi girlfriends hypothetical fantasy argument!?!
I actually got asked this before, also by a bi ex. I just told him he is right because being straight we would never have started dating nevermind getting this far into a relationship. He didn’t get upset about it though as once I said it he had a lightbulb moment and realised “fair point”.
Anyway we eventually broke up and lost contact for a different reason but he has/is transitioning now from what I’ve heard and good luck to him. Not suggesting it’s the same here and all but just saying the question has been asked at least once before.
She’s immature, but she’s 21, it’s normal. It should pass.
Is she questioning her gender? I can’t see any other reason for being upset about what seems to be a blatantly obvious answer to a stupid question.
My husband and I were chatting over breakfast the other day and we actually had this conversation!
I told him i wouldn’t stay with him if he suddenly told me he feels like a woman/wants to transition to be a woman. Im not a lesbian.
He said likewise. He ain’t gay.
We think we could still be good friends though and we still love each other very much.
Your gf is being ridiculous, but she’s barely an adult and immature. I suggest you give her time to get over it and move on from this silly hypothetical.
“Would you still love me if i were a worm?”
She might be overreacting a bit but it’s possible that she took “I wouldn’t be in love with her because I wouldn’t feel attracted in the same way” to mean “I’m ONLY in love with her because I find her physically attractive” and not because of other qualities she has. Not saying that’s how you meant it but maybe that’s how she took it
She probably thinks bc she would love you if you were a woman, you should love her the same way. As someone who’s bi and nonbinary it’s very confusing at first to be with someone who’s gender and sexuality aren’t fluid. It’s just weird bc that’s all you know. She doesn’t care about gender and thinks it’s arbitrary. The only issue here is she should not be focusing on her insecurities and instead learn to understand you and be okay with your differences.
The only thing you can do op is reassurance her that it’s not personal. You’d feel this way with any woman and it’s not smth you can change. Reassure her that you love her and you’d love her platonically just not sexually. If that’s not good enough then that’s a her issue and you really shouldn’t worry about it.
You’re dating an idiot.
She is fishing for reasons to be mad at you. This isn’t a healthy relationship and will only get worse if she doesn’t seek out some sort of mental health help. Personally, I’d break up with her because she’s being unreasonable and unfair.
The fuck? You don’t date men. What’s the issue? Of course you wouldn’t be in love with her. It’s insane to expect otherwise. She’s projecting her sexuality on to you
Hello. Bi person here.
This is not a ‘thing’ for bisexuals. Her question and subsequent annoyance are unfair. It sounds to me like she’s trying to impose her position of being attracted to men and women on to you, as if it’s some sort of microagression that you aren’t into her as a man.
It’s not. She needs to respect that you’re straight and love you for who you are. Is she fully ok with you being straight? Worth checking.
So to offer a different perspective from everyone in the comments saying either she’s crazy or she’s trans & closeted…as a cisgender woman who’s pretty comfortable being a woman, I’ve jokingly asked my straight boyfriend a similar question. I knew the answer would be no and I know that as a straight man he wouldn’t be attracted to me if I was a man. The question was purely a joke. But all the same, I have to admit hearing him say no did sting a bit – the reason being that I would still be the same person on the *inside*, the same person that he loves, but he suddenly wouldn’t love me anymore if my outsides changed. I know that’s drastically oversimplifying things and i never got ACTUALLY upset or blew up at him, more of just an “awh :(“ moment lol. Anyways, all this to say, maybe that’s how she feels but is taking it more to heart / over thinking you’re relationship because of it. It might cause her to think things like “he only loves me for my looks” “he isn’t that serious about me” “he’d leave me without hesitation if i was no longer attractive” ….it’s definitely an over reaction and I’m not trying to argue that those thoughts would be rational, but if she’s already insecure for any reason it’s not hard to be sent spiraling. Obviously i don’t know your gf so I’m not sure if this is why she reacted the way she did lol but, that’s my two cents on the matter. The best advice though is of course to COMMUNICATE with your gf instead of having internet strangers guess at how she’s feeling.
As you’ve said yourself you’re straight so you’re not going to be attracted romantically to another man.
That being said, it doesn’t mean you wouldn’t love her like a brother or even closer, you wouldn’t necessarily love her any less, just differently.
I think as a young bi person, she’s internalized this as painful based on how *she* sees the world, and she needs a perspective shift into understanding that folks who are heterosexual and heteroromantic are *defined* as lacking sexual and romantic feelings for the same sex, and that’s also valid. She can be sad if she wants, but she really is doing it to herself.
~ Sincerely, a bi NB person.
Just tell her you would love her still but not “be” in love with her.
Would she be in love with you if you were a chicken?
But would you love her if she was a worm?
Yes … neither would my very loving husband. This is what “straight” means. I’m bi too but I feel like it only takes the bare minimum of empathy to understand that “straight man” = “I cannot love any dude whatsoever.” (Barring divergence between sexual/romantic attraction and all that stuff.) Does she seriously not understand that gender not mattering to her doesn’t mean it isn’t important to other people?
She knows you’re straight, what even kind of a question is this.
wtf did she expect to hear from a straight man?
“Would you still love me if I was a worm?”
ask her if she’d still love you if you were a worm
“I would love you, I just wouldn’t put my penis inside you.”
Should have just said yeah I’d love you like a brother or friend . We just wouldn’t be fuckin’
I’m bi and have never thought about being a man or if my partner would be with me if I was a different gender.
Sounds like your GF has some gender identity “issue” for lack of a better term.
May need to do some soul searching or counseling.
Weird thing to get in a fight about hypotheticals
Two factors at play: since she’s bi, she might not comprehend how black and white it is to be straight. Love is love, right? Her sexuality and flexibility is so tied up in her love for others; she doesn’t comprehend what it’s like to NOT be attracted and not have another gender as a possibility for romance.
Second factor: she could be questioning her gender.
But either way, you’re straight and she has to accept that.
I used to have this obsession too. I am a bi female, and when i ended up with a straight cis man (there’s just more of them out there, it’s a numbers game), it made me question myself very much. This was before the trans movement, and if that movement started ten years sooner i wonder if i would have tried to transition. I no longer feel this way, accept my feminity, and enjoy it quite much nowadays. I am still with the same man, who was so confused and confounded when I’d obsessively ask him if he’d love me if i had a penis. Later learned he was bi too, just didn’t ever really feel like talking openly about it until we started getting even more vulnerable with each other. Love and life are so strange.
Okay but what if she were a worm?
I’m also Bi, and I would love my husband if he was a woman, but I also understand it would not be that way if I wasn’t attracted to both genders.
I would probably say something like “if I met you and you were a man, we would be great friends because I love your personality and who you are. We would not have a romantic love because sexual attraction is a key past of romantic love for me, and I am not sexually attracted to men. Is there a reason why you’re thinking about this scenario?”
I think to her attraction is very much regardless of gender, and a lot about the person, so for her it’s hard to imagine you truly love her if it is conditional on gender.
However, the way attraction happens for you is not wrong. You two just don’t seem to understand each other very well right now.
I think she feels unsafe, because to her gender isn’t the core of who she is. Wel for you the interpretation of your gender might be the core of who you are, so it wouldn’t feel unsafe or offensive.
However, it’s hard to evaluate from this post, but it sounds like she isn’t giving you room to make her feel seen, or to explain how you experience love. It sounds like she is only focussing on how she experiences love. Wich is not okay.
If she comes back to you I would tell her you want to talk about communication forms, and that different experiences of love should be okay. Listen to her, but also tell her how you experience love isn’t suddenly ‘less deep’ or ‘less real’ just because gender plays a role for you.
She may be one of those crazy feminist modern woman mindsets you may not be able to get rid of.. my advice.. is good riddance.. take the time to heal and in the future youll know why you dodged a bullet
I’m bi, and would love my husband no matter what gender he was. For him? He’s straight, so we’d be bros if I was a guy.
I am bi. This is a stupid question. Unless your Gf plans on transitioning and even then, that’s a whole different thing.
If your Gf was a man when you met her you never would have started dating in the first place. This is super immature on her part honestly. Getting mad at you for something that isn’t real is immature.
You are a straight man, you should not be made to feel guilty about this. If she doesn’t want to date a straight man, then she should go find a man who is Bi.
Kids these days man.