We recently celebrated 11 years of marriage and my wife said the main thing that’s kept her here when times got hard were the kids. Am I wrong for being offended?

46 comments

1. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but marriage IS hard, and a duty, and a commitment. Staying together for the kids is pretty common, and you know as well as she did that she wasn’t happy.

   Most women WOULD leave a partner who is verbally abusing them and you’ve openly admitted to doing that, so your surprise at her answer is a bit hard to believe.

   My perspective is that if you’ve put the work into improving yourself, put those dark days behind you, and you love her, why would you be considering divorce? She’s communicating honestly with you, and that’s a good thing in healthy relationships.

   Your last paragraph makes me think that you see your marriage as some sort of power play, and you want to divorce her to “win” somehow. It’s weird.

2. It’s true for my brother. It’s true for lots of people.

3. She can be over what happened and still be telling you truth. It’s why she stayed then. Is it why she stays now? Kids often keep the parents together long enough to work out common marital problems. Nothing about this seems unusual.

4. Honest question – did you ever do any non-church related marriage counseling?

5. How you truly feel is legitimate. You can lie you feel nothing about that.

   She’s also entitled to tell you the truth.

   Right or wrong is not important.

   The problem is your marriage is not as strong as you think you just need to work on it with your wife.

   It’s not uncommon many couples stuck for kids because they want to keep the front nice and happy.

   But truth is you can’t raise happy kids in unhappy relationships. Many parents just got it entirely wrong. They just assume n made the decision for their kids.

   Many people grow up n say : wish my parents divorced earlier so I didn’t have to hear all the yelling n fights ..

6. >At this point I’m considering if we should have a talk about divorcing amicably because once the kids are out of the picture we could be done. I also feel like since she endured so much she may feel entitled to put me through hell with the expectation that I should deal with it because she did.

   You’re spending a lot of time thinking about yourself and not enough time thinking about why she feels that way.

   You’ve admittedly made her life miserable for stretches of time. She is allowed to still be hurt by that and still need time to heal. Your job is to be so much better that that healing goes by as fast as it can and as easily as it can for her. But, that happens at her pace, not yours.

   Be better.

7. Sounds like you are a asshole. You even admitted you were an asshole yet she is still there. And know you want a divorce. You still are the asshole. Why not learn how to be a good partner instead of now wanting divorce? You have some time but instead of making yourself a decent partner, you are going to divorce. Pull your head out of your ass and look at the situation you put her in.

8. We’ve been married for almost twelve years, so us like you have had difficult times where on or both of us weren’t happy.

   You aren’t meant to be happy 24/7 for eternity if you think of the marriage vows “for better for worse sickness and health etc” it is literally foreshadowing that marriage is not plain sailing.

   The point was though is that we *wanted to be* happy, we agree that sometimes the only things that we’re stopping one of us walking out was stubbornness, wanting to be happy eventually, and yes our children.

   Whatever gets you through the tough times is nothing to feel offended over.

9. So you were okay treating her like shit but want to divorce amicably now just in case she treats you like shit in the future? Get a grip man

10. Short answer, yes.

    Maybe you need to learn to humble yourself. What reasons did you give her to stay when times were hard? You want to offer divorce because of your pride. She thought long-term about how choices would affect not only her but your children. You currently can not say the same. And are planning for things that haven’t happened. You want to tear apart your family because you can’t think of anyone but yourself.

    Love is not an end all be all like people think it is. And feelings are temporary. You, for some reason, don’t value your committed wife. Or the family you have like you should, imo. I feel really bad for your wife right now.

11. I need to be a better man. Thank you for everyone’s feedback.

12. How are you gonna be verbally abusive to her then get mad she didn’t stay because she loves being verbally abused

    It’s disgusting that you still have an abuser mindset. I agree with you to consider divorce just because she deserves someone who doesn’t treat her this way.

    My advice would be to go to nonchurch therapy, but that has a lot of accountability so I see from your comments it doesn’t go well

13. Holy meatballs man…sounds like she should have left years ago but stuck it through because you both made a commitment to each other.

    You hurt her bad man, clearly….it’s riddled throughout what you wrote.

    I’d just let it go. Stop digging for an answer from her. From here on out. Treat her like a queen. Pamper her show her how much you appreciate her…especially for putting up with you and your ups and downs.

    Of course it goes both ways

    Remember marriage ain’t 50/50

    There will be plenty of times where you need to step up and also for her as well.

14. How can u not be worshipping the ground she walks on for putting up with yr sad ass. U verbally abused her and she stayed. She’s a fricken angel 😇 in my book

15. You need to be a better husband. Changing doesn’t erase the past. You’re going to have to make her want to be married to you again, dude. That’s on you.

16. I’ve been married for 27 years. A marriage with the ups and downs, good and bad, and other assorted issues. I think of the love/care/affection/respect that makes up our marriage as a well. When times are good, the well level stays the same or grows. When times aren’t so good, one or both of us go to the wheel for a refill. And there have been two times when the well was dry. But we both trusted the well would refill. And it did.

    Maybe your wife went to her well and all that was left was “staying for the kids.” And she used that *and* trusted the well would recover. But the thing is she stayed.

    You asked her why she stayed. She answered honestly. Why did you stay? Did you tell her? Why don’t you ask her why is she still with you? That might be a more productive conversation.

    Divorce seems a bit much…are you looking for a reason to divorce her?

17. Holy assumptions Batman!! When times were tough she stayed with you and kept working to improve the marriage because of the kids, that’s totally normal. She tried a little harder to handle the verbal abuse to keep the family together when she didn’t have to and many people wouldn’t.

    She never said she didn’t love you anymore, never said she’s gonna pay you back for how awful you treated her, never said she wants a divorce once the kids are out, and never said she’s still only in the marriage *at the moment* for the kids. This is all in your head. Keep the conversation going and ask the important questions rather than assuming.

18. You can be upset that she doesn’t love you fully when you have always been someone deserving of that love- which you have admitted you have not. Go back to therapy, THE WHOLE POINT OF THERAPY IS TO GROW AS A PERSON. If you don’t like that? you don’t deserve a wife. Human beings are supposed to grow, progress, become better with age etc.

    You need to hold yourself more accountable. your mindset is “woe is me” even when you think of how awful you treated someone else, in your mind you are still the victim in the situation.

    You are not entitled to love and devotion that you do not earn. Stop trying to control your wife. You are not entitled to control ANYONE. Quit trying to take autonomy from other human beings.

    Divorcing your wife is a really good idea. Give her primary custody, child support and alimony. It might truly be what is best for your kids.

19. > why wouldn’t she say something like “doing life with you

    “Verbal abuse was common and she was hurt”

    >Also feel like since she endured so much she may feel entitled to put me through hell with the expectation that I should deal with it because she did.So far she’s not…

    It sounds like you want her to do what you did so you can feel better about yourself.

    >want to not feel like a duty or just a commitment. Please advise

    Then don’t be an asshole

20. She has had it harder than you. And your stupid attitude shows why. Forget about the divorce and try to make her life as nice as possible.

21. Her answer is obvious and common. Do you think people stay in bad relationships because they anticipate their partner eventually becoming a better person? No. If you have become a better person, prove it daily, and hopefully you can be worthy of her and the kids

22. Marriage is hard. But life is harder.
    People think they going to fall out of a marriage into a easy life🤣🤣🤣🤣
    Make your wife feel loved and wanted. You should be okay.

23. It is hard and you asked a question apparently you didn’t want the answer to. Find a way to make her feel special as often as you can.

24. This reads like fear, your afraid of what she could do because you were so abusive. Your projecting. You know how you treated her was unacceptable and you are waiting for her to react the way YOU would in the same situation, retaliate. This is all about you and nothing about her. You literally admit you have treated her horribly but are surprised she said what she said????? Sounds like you are just rationalizing doing something else bad or abusive to her so you can make it her fault. You want to punish her for “not being over” your crappy treatment. I suspect is was significant or you wouldn’t be so afraid. I feel for her.

25. I sense divorce after the kids are gone and not because of the past abuse but because OP doesn’t realize he continues to be such a jerk. His responses are selfish and immature, it’s all me, me, me. Like bro your wife, a whole person, stayed with you when you treated her like shit and now that you don’t, you’re sad she didn’t award you the husband of the year award? Lmao ridiculous.

26. So you were abusive and an asshole at best and you’re wondering why she would say the reason she stayed was the kids. Dude that’s why, she was abused. I’m guessing she’s talking about the hard times as well in her response. You talk about a lot of we are in a better place simply because you are, but why isn’t your follow up questto her if SHE is actually doing better? How is SHE feeling? What work have YOU don’t on yourself?

27. Sounds like an opportunity to continue the discussion. She said it to your face. When I put myself in that position I think of addressing it head on.

    “The other day you mentioned you stay because of the boys. Do you hold resentment towards me for the past? What will keep us happy when the boys are no longer in the house?”

    First, if she’s interested in divorce it may come up here. But, if it’s additional therapy and work on the marriage, it should also come up here.

    Putting myself in her shoes. If she said “the boys” to your face, then she’s willing to have a talk about it. She’s not hiding this.

    Edit to add: you jump to divorce in your post. You don’t sound heartbroken over it for a minute. Do you love your wife? Are you in love with your wife?

28. Why would you ask her a trick question just to get mad? Is something going on now that you want an excuse to get in a fight?

29. You need to take ownership of your actions and feelings, both past and present. The only way to improve yourself is to drop your ego, to understand that most of what happened in your marriage is at least partially yours own fault and/or 100% your fault because of your reactions to problems.

    Until you do this, you’ll continue to find a way to blame others and look at yourself as a victim. If you refuse to accept responsibility, you are wrong in the eyes of both the secular and the Christian (especially if you read your Bible focusing on how you are supposed to treat your wife, and I don’t mean the verses that are cherry picked to support your diluted outlook).

30. It might help if you took ownership of your past terrible behavior. You wrote “abuse was common” and “she was hurt”. Passive much?? How about “I abused my wife often” and “I hurt her”.

    I would not be surprised if your wife’s continued reliance on your kids to glue together your cracked marriage is because you’ve never taken responsibility for your past asshole self. You have not proven yourself a safe and reliable person to her. I would suggest couples therapy for you both to work it all out – it’s going to take more than a few comments on Reddit to walk you through this problem my friend.

    Or, yeah, just tell her to divorce you. That would at least protect your fragile ego from ever having to face and admit what a weak monster you were in past difficult times.

31. “Verbal abuse was common” is an interesting use of the passive voice. Coming right on the heels of “I wasn’t a good husband,” it looks like you were the one being verbally abusive, but you kind of dodge it.

    She’s telling you how she got through the hard years. That doesn’t constitute putting you through hell. If you want her to enjoy “doing life” with you, make it a better one.

32. What did you except to be her motivation to stay with you during those hard times?

    You admit to giving her none yourself.

    And now you’re worried that *you* might end up on the receiving end?

    Dude, if she were going to retaliate, you’d have already been given a preview. The fact that you are just now finding out that the sun doesn’t always rise out of your butt should quell your concerns.

33. Nothing in your post or comments speaks of love for her, admiration for who she is as a person and what she has tolerated from you, or concerns for her feelings and happiness.

    Everything is youyouyou and you are wondering why she is staying for the kids. You rejected secular counseling that focused on your actual issues and only feel better because you are less financially stressed. How can you be surprised that big love for you isn’t her reason for staying?

    If you truly want to make this work it is past time to start putting in genuine effort, instead you are already pulling back in case you get hurt or get any of the treatment that you were more than willing to dish out to her for years. As things stand she deserves so much better.

34. It sounds like you’re looking for excuses to be an asshole again, or you never stopped being one to begin with. You ask her a really shitty question, act hurt when she answers it, then project this fucked up idea that she might someday treat you like like garbage because that’s how you used to treat her. You sound like a narcissist and you need to grow up.

35. You’re not really taking full responsibility for your past behavior if you expect it to be completely erased from your shared history.

    She gave an honest answer to a question you chose to ask. Frankly, if she’d said you guys made it to 11 years because she “loved doing life with you”, she’d be lying. Because you wouldn’t have made it that far if she’d chosen to leave during the period where you weren’t someone she loved doing life with.

    Essentially, you’re upset here because she chose to tell you a tough truth rather than a convenient lie.

36. My husband and I had a ruff period full of stress and turmoil that caused him to be emotionally abusive for a couple of years. I almost left him, and when I think of some of the things he said, I throw hate at myself for not being good enough to myself to leave.

    I stayed because the stress of the situation killed my health, hard core. I was calling attorneys to apply for Disability it was so bad. He was not kind. I try very hard not to hold the resentment because he had since worked on himself and became the man I need him to be. I’m very honest with him that he was within inches of divorce and how proud and happy I am that he looked at his own behavior and improved. To be fair, he wasn’t willing to do that until I told him I was heavily considering divorce…

    Would you rather she lie to you to protect your feelings? Then you’re willing to leave her for not doing so? Grow up.

37. Did you read what you posted?

    >During that time we endured the lost miscarriages and the stress of making a business work and one income stressed me out to the point where I wasn’t a good husband to hear. Verbal abuse was common and she was hurt.

    Yeah, this would be the thing that caused that. Verbal abuse on top of all that breaks trust is a betrayal.

    You inflicted pain on her would not want her to stay if not for the kids, and it’s pretty reasonable that the kids were the only reason she stared.

    >If things are going good and she’s completely over what happened why wouldn’t she say something like “doing life with you” or “our marriage has improved”?

    She is being honest with you so are offended. When times were hard, you were a source of pain, so you weren’t the reason she stayed. The kids were.

    This is a consequence of your actions. No one is going to stay in the relationship because of the person causing them pain.

    >At this point I’m considering if we should have a talk about divorcing amicably because once the kids are out of the picture we could be done.

    You need to go back to therapy. You need to come to terms with your own behavior and admit that what you did was horrible and a betrayal. When you come to terms with that you will understand WHY the kids were the only reason she stayed.

    Forgiving you doesn’t mean rewriting history and pretending that you were always a source of support in the relationship.

    Even having forgiven you, there will always be the knowledge that you did that, and in spite of your abuse, she stayed with you. Nothing will make it go away or make it different. It is a fact of your life. Rebuilding trust is great, BUT it will always be there – a consequence of your own actions. You need to face up to it and not try to rewrite history.

    The question you guys need to answer now is what keeps each other in the relationship now. Would she still leave today if the kids didn’t need her.

38. You asked her what made her stay when the marriage was hard. You did not ask her why she is still with you.

    The first motivator to stay in an unhappy marriage is for the children – many people do this because they hope that the marriage struggles are temporary. If they knew they would continue or worsen, there’s a higher chance of leaving the marriage then and there.

    You verbally abused her and if she did not have children with you, she would have left. You guys did the hard thing by going to therapy and working on the relationship. The fact that she’s with you now is all you need to know.

    You asked her a question and she gave you an answer. It’s not productive to take everything as an attack on who you are. She did not say that things are still horrible. She did not say she is still only staying for the kids. You only got offended because of the shame you feel for the person you admittedly were – someone she still did not leave despite the abuse. You need to forgive yourself and keep moving forward in becoming the better man you want to be.

39. I find it interesting that your concern upon finding this out isn’t to discuss it with your wife and find ways together of improving the situation…

    Instead you are more concerned with vengeance that you’re paranoid she could wreak on you:

    > she may feel entitled to put me through hell with the expectation that I should put up with it because she did

    So.. to summarize.

    1. You mistreated her for years, and she stayed despite it all because of the kids

    2. You’re angry she isn’t “over” the mistreatment and with you for the sake of being with you

    3. Now you’re paranoid she will lash out at you… and you will be treated like how you treated her for years.

    given that you had your second child within two years of getting together and your abuse of her presumably stopped (big grain of salt there) around 5 years ago, you’ve been abusive to your wife for the majority of the relationship and you’re honestly shocked she isn’t with you for the sake of being with you?

    And to top it all off, per your other comments, your wife found non-religious therapy helpful, but you didn’t like it (because the therapist kept pointing out all the ways you were at fault here) and you feared it would cause your wife to want a divorce, so you stopped her from getting the therapy she said was helpful for her.

    Even after everything you’ve done to her, you’re still more concerned about how this affects *you* and what is best *for you*.

40. Staying through the hard times for the kids is perfectly normal. I guarantee when you were being verbally abusive she didn’t like being with you and didn’t stay in it because she wanted to do life with you. Who wants to do life with someone who’s being abusive?

    However, that doesn’t mean that’s how she feels now. If things have changed enough, she probably wants to do life with you (as long as life with you never involves enduring abuse again). She gave you the opportunity to change things and do better by her. Be grateful for it and don’t make her regret it.

41. So you treated her like shit and verbally abused her when things were bad and now you want to dip out because things are good? What exactly is the issue with “how you discipline you kids”? Does she believe it’s good to beat your children into submission or do you?

42. I mean this when I say it everyone’s commentary on my situation has been extremely helpful. Thank you all.

43. “It’s been 5+ years since we endured a lot of the pain from me being an asshole while trying to make my business work yet I feel she’s still not over it.”

    What pain did you endure from YOU being an a**hole? She endured it and you thought time would be enough to make her forget. She gave you the answer. She’s staying for the kids. She’s biding her time. You broke your relationship years ago. For whatever reason you are finally realizing it.

    Pull the plug now or later… Doesn’t matter. She mentally checked out when you were verbally berating her.

44. My current husband broke up with me multiple times due to cultural reasons when we were dating while never telling me the true reason and telling me he didn’t love me yet and wasn’t sure if he ever will but he was talking with his family to convince them to approve our marriage. I wouldn’t have liked marrying him without either of our family’s approval as well but would have liked to know during the breakups the true reason. Now after marriage my relationship with my in-laws has been great too. I still gripe with my husband about how he treated me and made me feel like I am disposable in the past.

    The axe forgets but the tree remembers. She won’t ever forget how you treated her. If you want to make up with her for your past bad abusive behavior, the right way is not to break up with her and force her to find someone better because you were not a good person in the past. She chose you in the past and no matter who she finds in the future, she won’t forget how you treated her, that’s a burden you need to carry. Please don’t punish her by divorcing her, you are not giving her any choice by doing that but you are taking away her choice which she made by staying with you despite your abusive behavior. My husband did that also after his parents approved of our relationship, thinking he behaved so badly with me, it’s best for both of us to find someone new and start afresh. Luckily I decided to stay with him then too, and after 6 months of further dating we married, and now 6 months after marriage he told me the truth for the final breakup. I had to read the riot act to him, and luckily he saw his stupidity and apologized and said he’ll try to change his thought process and do better.

    You also, please do the same. She chose you despite your abusive behavior and that’s the truth. It’ll hurt you, but that’s your burden to carry. If you want to alleviate your burden, treat her better, treat her like a queen to make up for that and apologize, so she knows you have changed and are actively trying to do better. Please don’t abuse her again. Please don’t take away her choice which she already made by staying with you. That will be a punishment for her as much of a punishment for you, please don’t be a narcissist by making her suffer because you think you deserve punishment. If you still feel guilty, ask her what you can do for her because you feel like you want to compensate and feel super guilty. Be honest, be vulnerable to her, accept your past faults to her, tell her you feel guilty and want to make up for them, let her be the judge of how she wants you to compensate.

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46. If you came her looking for sympathy or help, you’re not gonna get it. You admittedly admit to being…. Pretty much an A-hole. So we, the Reddit thread here, don’t feel sorry for you. You were and are quite lucky she stuck around for your abuse. She deserved/deserves better. Good luck to you… I guess.