**He forgot Mother’s Day
My husband(30M) and I(30F) have been together for 12 years. Two of them have been married and our baby just turned one.
We have been having marital problems since January when I found a “dirty album” of butts/feet of women close to me (family and friends) in his phone and discovered his addiction to porn. He is since seeing a therapist and I’m in a wife of a porn addict support group. (This is not the main subject though please)
Since I found out he didn’t do anything special for Valentine’s Day or our anniversary. I thought Mother’s Day must be special since he actually admitted to having a porn addiction finally a few weeks ago and has seemed to be making progress.
Today he forgot it was Mother’s Day. My first Mother’s Day I was in the hospital with my son so this would have been the first Mother’s Day at home.
Given I oddly thought it was next week too until like Tuesday. He’s also sick, he was sick but still drank 7 beers at a wedding Friday but does have a bad cough today. My son is sick too.
Today I felt like I rested less then an average day not being able to shower after being vomiting on twice or even really use the restroom. We didn’t even work as a team, I fed all the meals, pretty much all the diapers and put him to bed each time. All while my husband would say he feels bad but not do much.
My husband went to an urgent care and got an inhaler and some medications that he picked up at cvs. I prepared myself to be grateful when he comes back with chocolate and a rose because even though it’s late he still cared.. but he returned with just the meds and prune juice for my son.
I don’t know if this is advice or maybe should have been in a vent sub but I just don’t know if I have the right to be sad because he’s sick? But then again if our marriage is falling apart because of something he did and he’s missed two major days already.. shouldn’t he have tried even just little.
3 comments
I think it’s fair that you want some type of recognition. Maybe you could give him another week to be not sick, and see if he makes any action towards recognizing its Mother’s Day and that is obviously important to you.
If he makes no statement or action on his own, I would communicate that you’re feeling a little unappreciated and unrecognized, etc. Whatever your feelings are.
He should have tried. If he was well enough to go out and get medicine, he could have, as you say, gotten some chocolate and a card and at least acknowledged the day. He could have said I know it’s not much, and I know this isn’t an ideal way to spend Mother’s Day, but thank you for being the mother of my child, and thank you for being patient with me.
If he would rather have porn than a marriage, maybe it’s time for you two to have a talk. If you’re going to split, it’s better to do it while your baby is too young to remember. I know you said the porn stuff isn’t the issue, but maybe it is. I caught my man doing some things I didn’t like, and he flat out told me he didn’t think he could stop. I told him I couldn’t live with it, and he was choosing that over me. He didn’t see that until I said “you’re lying to me to preserve that, you’re putting my trust in jeopardy for that. That shows me what you really want, and it’s not me.” That kind of snapped him out of it.
It’s hard when you have a baby. You’re sleep deprived, you don’t give a shit how you look BECAUSE you’re sleep deprived, and none of that should matter. He either wants you warts and all or he doesn’t. People remember the things that are important to them. He’s blown off several important days. Bet he never blows off his porn or his jerk off sessions.
So he’s decided what’s important to him. Now you have to decide if you can live with it. Is this the way you want your life to be? That’s something only you can answer. Don’t think of what he can/will change. Decide what you can live with. If this is ok, then just go on with things the way they are. If it’s not, decide how to handle things.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope it gets better.
He might be stuck in a shame rut. A shame rut is where someone is so ashamed or guilty for what they’ve done that they feel like making an effort wouldn’t make any difference or would be acknowledging how they messed up which would make it even more real. He still should’ve tried. He should’ve done literally anything, even something small, even just acknowledging the day out loud. There’s no excuse for that. But a shame rut could be an explanation of why he’s avoiding the day. Either that or he straight up forgot. Which is sad that that’s the more ideal outcome here. I’m so sorry OP. Yes, you have the right to feel sad that you’re not being acknowledged on mother’s day, even if he’s sick, even if there’s lots of other discord happening right now. Someone in a happy marriage would feel the same way. Even a husband who’s sick can still say words out loud to you to acknowledge the day. He could’ve gotten a card or something. He could’ve helped around the house even just a little bit despite having a cough. He can’t be let off the hook for that. He’s a functioning adult. I think the best thing to do is to tell him how you’re feeling and gauge his response. If he’s apologetic, good, maybe he just forgot or couldn’t climb out of the shame rut. Those are forgivable. Painful, but forgivable. If he’s not apologetic, good, because now you have valuable info about who he is and how he responds to your feelings and needs. You can act accordingly.
You got this ❤️