My boyfriend and I have been together for a year + a few months now, and I’m genuinely worried that he’s no longer sexually attracted to me. He says that he is but his actions say otherwise to me. He initiates nothing sexual. I have to ask him hours in advance for it (and I mean HOURS, sometimes 12+). We don’t have spontaneous sex which is frustrating. It’s embarrassing to have to beg my partner to have sex with me when all I want is to feel desired by him. When we’re having sex, he also doesn’t compliment me, which is starting to bother me a lot. The only thing that he tells me is how good I feel, but 99% of the time it’s only after I’ve said it first. He also doesn’t go down on me. Maybe once every 3-4 mos but again, he isn’t the one to initiate it, which makes me self conscious. Do I smell bad? Taste bad? Why doesn’t he enjoy pleasuring me? I feel like oral should be a normal part of a relationship and not something that I fantasize about happening to me. This is the same thing with morning sex. I fantasize about it because it just doesn’t happen. We’ve maybe had it four times our entire relationship. He no longer gets morning wood. Ever. I guess his mindset is that he NEEDS to have morning wood in order to have sex in the morning, but since he never gets it we just don’t. I know that this isn’t normal but he cannot see a doctor because he doesn’t have health insurance (which makes me more concerned for him and his health, what if something life threatening or really bad was to happen?!). Throughout our relationship his libido has gone to shit. I’m even naked around him a lot and he still initiates nothing. He has plenty of opportunities to but he doesn’t, which makes me feel terrible. Is it normal to not get aroused when seeing your partner naked? This has been going on for almost a year at this point and nothing has changed. And yes, I’ve communicated with him MANY times. It’s really frustrating and affecting my confidence a lot. I constantly have anxiety and feel sad and/or irritable because all I want is to feel desired by the person I love the most. I know that this isn’t his fault but it hurts so much, especially because he’s the most incredible partner in the world. He’s respectful, caring, funny, handsome… the list goes on. I just wish that I felt like he desired me the same way that I desire him and I don’t know what to do. I’ve considered just backing off and allowing him to ask me for sex instead, but I’m worried that if I do this we’ll just stop having sex completely, especially since we recently moved in together and I’ve heard that this can ruin things intimacy wise. I just don’t want to end up in a dead bedroom relationship. Please, I need advice. Thank you.
6 comments
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We cant tell you how your bf feels or if he’s attracted to you. But it is obvious that your needs arent being met. You say you’ve talk to him and nothing changed so you have two options. You can settle and change your desires and expectations or you can change your bf. It’s really that simple.
He may be a lovely person and all that – but that doesnt mean you’re sexually compatible. And sex is the one thing a “romantic” relationship offers that friendship typically does not. So….just be friends. You deserve to be and feel desires in a “romantic” relationship.
Before it gets more difficult, move on. I’ve been with guys like this and it’s a losing situation for you. At your age sex should be frequent, exhilarating, and you should feel like a goddess. Plus feel sexy and attractive everyday.
They’re out there.
I would have a heart to heart with him .. tell us what you told us . It’s not all about his wants . Yours matter too and you deserve a legit answer on why he doesn’t have the interest . Tell him what you said here “
Are you not attracted to me ? Do I not taste good to you ? Is it something about me that makes you not want to have sex ? “
You deserve those answers
From the guys perspective, radiative desire simply isn’t an easy fix. I literally told my gf in the beginning that exactly this would happen and when it happened a year later she still held it against me. There is no win for him in this because it’s not something you can simply easily change. Think of it like still being full at dinner from lunch-just because someone wants you to be hungry for dinner, you can’t simply will that into existence, even if you’re willing to eat some food that’s served to you.
Likewise, it’s unfair to you to not have your desires met-we completely understand that. It needs to be a mutual discussion where you both seek out compromise, and that compromise can be whatever works for the two of you. It’s admirable that yup want to work through it, though, Reddit’s hive mind tends to be to just leave since many can’t comprehend that sex is only a singular aspect of a successful relationship.
Might want to evaluate if there is conflict or open concerns as well-I absolutely cannot become excited for or interested in sex when there’s unresolved issues. That has been a source of frustration for every woman that I’ve been with because they could simply compartmentalization that frustration and suddenly be in the mood. Just something to consider if you haven’t already.
And yes you are correct-backing off will simply result in having no sex whatsoever, unfortunately.
Does he watch movies ? Could you rent movies that have different kind of love scenes n see if anything gets him frisky ? One other question is he a mamas boy ?