We (39M/F) have been together for almost 20 years, married about 14. Two teenage kids.
She has suffered from depression since her early teen years, and she has had varying degrees of success with handling it over the years – sometimes drugs, sometimes just making sure she gets regular exercise and long walks etc. She has seen therapists but is often underwhelmed by what they offer. She’ll go through periods where she’s doing fine, and there will be periods where it’s very hard for her to motivate herself to do anything above the bare basics of maintaining an adult life, which I understand.
It can be difficult to live with a partner with depression. Over the years I’ve been able to recognize when she’s having a hard time and to adjust my expectations and go into support mode.
What I’m having trouble with is finding where it is reasonable to set boundaries. This started the other day where I sent her a text in the morning – something our daughter’s school stuff. The text I got back was something like “it’s in the app, did you download it? if you gave a fuck about our kid’s education you would have downloaded the app like I told you to.”
This was a little hurtful, not least because I do consider myself pretty attentive to our kids’ schooling and I sit down with them all the time to work through homework and stuff. I admit that I’m not super up to date on all the admin stuff and grade books, but still…
I told her that I wouldn’t engage with her if that’s how she was going to talk and that we’d talk later. The next interaction we have is later that afternoon, where she’s trying to tiptoe around some issue, almost being sarcastically sweet about it – I respond saying, “hey that’s fine, if you want to ask me to do x, you can ask me”
She then breaks down and says “I can’t even talk to you, I can never say the right thing can I etc.”
Now, I don’t think my original boundary was particularly unreasonable – if you respond to simple requests with contempt and accusations, then don’t be surprised if I don’t feel like engaging in what is not likely to be a productive conversation. But instead of having that conversation, I have to immediately go into support mode and assure her that everything’s ok and that I still love her etc. It makes me feel like my job is just to suck it up and deal with it, and that my concerns (not wanting to be talk to by my partner with contempt) are petty compared to what she’s dealing with. Maybe that’s true? The problem is that I can’t always tell when she’s having a hard time.
I guess my question is – is it unreasonable to expect your partner to abide by these simple boundaries even when they are going through challenging times? I feel like my partner’s depression has become a defining feature of my life, and I slightly resent it. I often fantasize about what it would be like to have a partner who didn’t have these challenges.
TL;DR: How do I set boundaries with my partner when she’s working through mental health issues?
2 comments
Our boundaries are for ourselves, not for other people. We cannot control others, only ourselves.
It’s reasonable to disengage with your partner until they can speak kindly. As someone else said, it’s not a boundary if you’re expecting her to a change. A boundary says how you react to her behaviours not vice versa.
My partner has severe depression, which is why we’re not having kids – I’m often the support person and he basically may disconnect for months at a time. However, he is never unkind. There are times where he is self harming, suicidal, I’m having to run his safety plan, but maybe once has he been rude to me like your wife is rude to you.
My only recommendation would be couples therapy to address communication barriers while she’s in depression. You probably have your own relative responses to her communicating too. Because if she can’t cope with you setting a reasonable boundary (I’m stopping this conversation until you can be direct and speak kindly) then there’s no way to have a relationship.
My partner falls into the “I can’t do anything right” too. In these instances I go very rational and calm, remind him that were a team, I love him, and everyone makes mistakes including me. Then I revisit the need (ex. if he’s not eating dinner with me for days at a time or is disconnecting from all physical touch). And then we see if there’s a compromise. Maybe he eats with me at least once every second day. Maybe he cuddles with me at x time when his mood tends to be a little easier. Maybe right now he really does need to focus on him but we revisit next week.
Now, he puts in a ton of effort to manage his symptoms, but like your partner nothing really works long term. I’m really only with him because I see what a remarkable man he is when symptoms are well managed and because even in his darkest moments he is still a huge support for me. That’s not realistic for every depressed person, but for me that is my minimum for staying with someone with depression. They need to be kind. I will not take misplaced blame for their depression.
Have you done therapy yourself? Sounds like you don’t have anywhere near an equal partner, and realistically you’re more of a caregiver than a partner. Frankly it’s not worth staying in this situation if she can’t remedy her communication issues to be more assertive instead of passive aggressive. Your children will see this as acceptable, and it’s not, even if she is depressed.