I’m really ashamed to admit this (I’m using an alternate account) but I keep running into a problem: I (f20s) am dealing with a constant urge to cheat on my boyfriend (m20s).
For the record, I have never cheated on him (or anyone) or even come close. We have a good relationship, but we see each other usually only every two weeks for a few days because we live in different towns. I don’t have daddy issues, I have decent self confidence and don’t validate myself through hookups. I’m not hypersexual. I don’t know what my problem is but it’s very distressing for me.
Other possibly relevant information: I was late to the relationship game, lost my virginity at 23. I have one relationship before him but it didn’t work out. I had this in the previous relationship as well.
I am CONSTANTLY fantasizing about breaking up with him or cheating on him. It is so constant it’s almost like an intrusive thought. It goes away sometimes when he is with me, but when he is not I think about it constantly.
We literally have a perfect relationship. He’s handsome, he’s caring, he’s employed. I like being with him. I don’t want to break up. Does anyone have any insight into this?
TLDR: I have a constant urge to cheat on my boyfriend despite the fact that we have a good relationship and I’m attracted to him.
3 comments
Couple of things.
You are young, and you may simply not yet be ready to commit to anything.
What is “urge” here? – If other guys flirt with you, or you download some hookup app, chat a bit and think about it – so basically there is something close to tangible you may just not be as much into him as you think. Could be a classical case of “he seems like a good one, but I want to try more because I am not sure I could do better/am missing out.”
You mentioned the every other week. Maybe that doesn’t work for you? Maybe he is just not meeting your needs. Maybe that is some subconscious rebellion thing.
Maybe you are not a monogamous person.
If urge is something loose and you are fantasizing about it, and that arouses you, this may be as simple as you having a kink. No idea how much sexual experience you have, but it is normal to be into all kinds of stuff, and some people are like that.
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The mature thing is to talk with him or at least consider talking with him about it and working on that.
Other mature options talk through with someone you really trust to do some emotional work on it or go to a couple therapists (there are also relationship therapists that will talk to one partner if you don’t want to open up to him about it).
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The thing no one here will write is that some people would just go and try the cheating and keep it to themselves. Cheating statistics right there, however most people will say they condemn cheating in general, which seems to be a contradiction to what most people actually do. Depending on your morality there may be no coming back from that though.
Anyway, one way or another you need to do something with this, because those urges don’t go away on their own.
If you are constantly fantasizing about breaking up, then this doesn’t actually sound like a perfect relationship.
I have a hunch. Your conscious mind has a check-list that your boyfriend meets, but your subconscious mind is trying to tell you *something*. I’m not sure what, but maybe: I’m not ready! I want to experience more casual dating first! There’s something about him that bugs me, but I can’t yet put my finger on it. This long-distance thing isn’t working for me. *Something.* And given how much it’s bothering you, I’d say it’s something serious.
Like I said, I don’t know the answer, but I think that subconscious messages can be more accurate than we give them credit for, and ignoring them can sometimes lead to big problems later.
Break up. Someone can be perfect on paper etc but not for you, or perfect for you but the timing isn’t right. It sounds like you’re done.
If that’s too drastic then you could talk about seeing eachother more, I wonder if you just have a high sex drive and once a fortnight isn’t enough. It would be hard to keep the feelings and connection there with such infrequent contact too. If you can see him more and still feel this way then breaking up is definitely the way to go, though