I (mid 20s F) have always have a rough relationship with sex. I didn’t come out as queer until about a year ago. My past dating history with men is filled with lots of crossed boundaries, coercion, and lack of reciprocity. I guess I just never learned that sex is supposed to be pleasurable and that relationships should be fulfilling. I thought that would change when I came out, but I was very mistaken. The first partner I had after coming out still pushed my boundaries. They had their own hang ups and would project a lot of their shame about sexuality onto me. I got out of the relationship early this year but I feel like all of my sexuality has just been drained from my body and I have no “spark”. I developed vaginismus, and that has recently been a big blow to my confidence in my body. I finally developed a crush on someone (my first since like high school!) but every time she talks to me I just feel bad about myself and I end up coming across as not liking her.
I’d really like to reclaim this part of myself. I am in therapy and physical therapy but Id really love to hear other peoples stories to feel less alone and maybe get some hope. What things did you explore to reclaim your sexuality? How did you start learning to flirt again? What activities brought your confidence and made you feel willing to trust others again? And finally how did you develop some entitlement to also feeling good during sex?
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Starting with a tangent, if you have Netflix, go watch *Principles of Pleasure*, a 3 part series about female sexuality that is very queer positive, accepting. The first part has some historical stuff that isn’t what you’re asking about but it’s a great foundation for the second and third parts, which are. Woven throughout it has a hugely healing emphasis on consent and pleasure.
Beyond that, I find that solo play is important. Maybe even in front of a mirror. Having close friends that I can talk about sex with but am never going to be sexual with is really important – we have a safe, confidential space to talk about nitty gritty stuff and it makes me feel less like a weirdo. We are parents with kids rapidly becoming teens so a fair bit of it is rehashing our own teen angst experiences with each other as we prepare to have age appropriate conversations about dating and relationships with our kids so they can have an easier time.
Flirting – I think it can be important to practice those conversational skills in a setting where you know it isn’t going anywhere. I don’t mean as a tease – a great flirt is often simply a nice compliment and should make everyone come away feeling good.