To preface I am seeing a therapist. Unfortunately they are away this week and also have not given me strategies to address this, I’m looking for a new one. I have no one to talk to about this.
A few months (maybe a year) before me my gf was having sex with her friend. He met someone and that was then end of that (they’re now engaged). They are still friends which I understand isn’t strange.The difficult thing for me is that I was cheated on in my last relationship and things can be triggering.
She isn’t friends with any of her other longer term sexual partners and is relationship oriented which makes this confusing and difficult for me. What is really confusing to me is that I know he has a very big penis (long story). I was self conscious about it and asked her about it and she said ‘it hurt’ and when he found his fiance she ‘felt relieved’. I also know they tried some stuff and she wasn’t into it.
I don’t understand why the FWB thing went on so long if it wasn’t even good. I can’t understand how its not awkward at all between them. Generally this doesn’t bother me until there is a trigger that reminds me of my last relationship where I was cheated on.
​
I kind of want to ask her to help me understand but I’m not sure its fair or if it would help. I have told her sometimes the relationship with that friend makes me anxious and explained the context. She’s very understanding and good about it. I’ve not asked what makes this relationship different that the sex aspect didn’t make it weird.
​
At the core I trust my partner but past experience and anxiety can cloud that at times and I don’t know what to do about it. I kind of just want to tell her what I’m feeling right now with no expectation of explanation or anything but I’m not sure that’s fair either.
2 comments
Bro what?
The guy needs to get blocked and deleted off everything like ASAP. He has no reason or need to be in her life, and she shouldn’t be communicating with him. Or let alone talking about his “dick”.
Grow up and enforce your boundaries. If she’s not okay with it, she needs to make her choices.
>I kind of want to ask her to help me understand but I’m not sure its fair or if it would help.
In short, it isn’t fair and it won’t help. She is your *now* girlfriend, not the previous partner who cheated on you. She isn’t your therapist. And she isn’t a means to ‘fix’ yourself given your previous experience.
The only advice I can give is don’t ask, don’t talk with her about it, and move on. She wasn’t with you when she was with her FWB and so, fundamentally, it’s none of your business and has zero bearing on your current relationship.
The sad truth is, if you are unable to get past this anxiety – without pulling your girlfriend in – it will damage, and perhaps even destroy your relationship.
As is said often around here, she’s with you now. And that will be for good reason. Make that your focus.