Need advice on a situation. I’m 37/f, recently, within the last week and a half started dating 50/m. We dated about two years ago for six months, I broke it off because I had too much going on and I felt like I just wasn’t in the right headspace. I was in graduate school, my custody schedule with my kids had just changed and we were adjusting; school was insane as it was right after covid. (I am a teacher.) We sparked things back up and I have been enjoying it, we’ve seen each other 3 times.
We have the same schedule with the days we have our kids, with both of us not having them on Monday and Tuesday. On Sunday he said he wanted to spend time together both nights and I agreed. Thing is, here we are on Tuesday and I just want a night to myself. I have to tutor for 3 hours after already teaching all day. I just started my period which really runs me down and I had dental work yesterday before seeing him that has me REALLY sore. I was at his house until 11:15 pm last night.
Additionally, we made plans to go to a bar Friday night and I forgot my mom got play tickets for her and I. I didn’t really forget but she usually doesn’t follow through with things she wants to do, and this time she did. So I need to tell him that I don’t think I can go until much much later.
Lastly, he wants to come over. Which isn’t really a problem except for I moved since we last dated. I sold my home and downsized to an apartment for my sons and I until the market changes and I find something I love. I am terrified that he will judge me poorly and I just haven’t told him.
I know open communication is so important but how would you approach these situations? Are these red flags on my end?
8 comments
>I know open communication is so important but how would you approach these situations?
I would approach them by communicating! But I know it’s always easier said than done. Is there something in particular stopping you from just picking up the phone for a chat?
(edit for spelling)
I would want to know if you couldnt make it on that friday so i can plan my scedule.
Let him know where you live, and why you made the move.
Not communicating is a red flag. These things arnt small things that you just “forgot to mention”.
tell him, you’ll be fine.
I agree with others that these aren’t red flags. And it’s ok if you’re tired and prefer not to meet this Tuesday (today!) or any other Tuesday, since you’re meeting on Mondays anyways. I’d try to compromise some of the Tuesday and meet him, though.
We all know there’s no “right” way to do this, but here’s what I would do:
I’d approach this conversation by saying how much you enjoy and look forward to meeting him, but that this Tuesday, in particular, you’re exhausted because of the reasons you mentioned. And that you realized that some Tuesdays might be difficult for you, but you’re excited to meet him every Monday.
Let him know about Friday sooner rather than later. I’d add that you were not expecting to be busy, but that you’ll know better to always let him know ahead of time when you have something planned with your mother (and how she usually does not follow through).
And let him know about the move as well! Even if it’s like.. “oh, I forgot to mention, I moved to another place…” when you’re talking about something related to the apt. Honestly, no idea why he or anyone would judge you poorly because of that.
>I know open communication is so important but how would you approach these situations? Are these red flags on my end?
If you need framework for communication. Figure out before talking, what the “issue is (that is separate to you or him)” and what you need in that and when you have that conversation openly. This is what I need, would that work for you?
Regarding tonight, or any night you feel tired – it’s 100% ok to say “Hey, I was looking forward to seeing you, but I’m feeling pretty run down. I think I need a quiet night in to myself/I’m going to need to call it an early night, but I’d love to meet up for a drink before I tap out.” (Or no drink if you’re taking pain meds, just mention the dental work!) If he doesn’t react well to that (the most he should feel is minor disappointment), you’ve got bigger problems.
Regarding your Friday conflict, tell him today, exactly what you told us. “Hey, I accidentally double booked myself for Friday – my mom had mentioned going to a play and she usually doesn’t follow through with that kind of thing, but once in a blue moon she does, and this time was it. Can we reschedule for Monday?” Because you’re potentially bagging 2 out of 3 meetings this week, the rescheduling part is important so he knows you’re still interested and not just dodging him.
Regarding your changed living situation, tell him what you told us – it’s temporary until the housing market cools down. Also, if this guy is judging you for moving somewhere smaller than where you used to live, do you really want to be with him? That would be so superficial, shallow, and just plain shitty of him. You guys already have a little bit of history, so this shouldn’t be an issue *at all*.
Just be apologetic for your changes of plans, say you’re really sorry that it’s all this week, promise next week will be better, and then follow through. Life doesn’t always respect your calendar, but this guy should be able to understand exhaustion, pain, family commitments, and address changes.
Your situation isn’t a red flag. You not communicating these things is a red flag.
The Tuesday part and wanting to be alone. Is there a reason why you don’t want to say to him “hey, I know we planned to spend both nights together. But due to these things, I really just want to be alone. Can I make it up to you another time?” Any reasonable person will be OK with that. If he isn’t, then it’s time to reevaluate if you want to continue to date.
Secondly, the play with your mom. Was there a reason why you couldn’t have said “that Friday I have a plan with my mom. She usually doesn’t follow through, but let me double check with her and get back to you. If we go to the play, I can meet you after”.
Your apartment. Why would he judge? Is he that materialistic? You can just explain to him your situation the way you explained to us.
I get having anxiety and being afraid of being judged. But, not communicating will only result in you not having a good time, him not having a good time. It’ll result in him feeling like you’re being flaky with plans. Just communicate. It’s hard but it’s worth it.
> I sold my home and downsized to an apartment for my sons and I until the market changes and I find something I love. I am terrified that he will judge me poorly and I just haven’t told him.
They are red flags on your end because most people aren’t going to judge you moving into an apartment because you took advantage of a seller’s housing market. They’re going to think you’re being shady about what your life and lifestyle is like instead.
I did the same thing; no one cared. Actually, 99% of what I’ve worried about in the same vein as you…no one cares about either. The reason? People are mainly wrapped up in their own stuff. We are being judged a lot less than we think we are, unless we run into people who finds an excuse to judge everything, in which case that’s their problem.
> Thing is, here we are on Tuesday and I just want a night to myself. I have to tutor for 3 hours after already teaching all day. I just started my period which really runs me down and I had dental work yesterday before seeing him that has me REALLY sore. I was at his house until 11:15 pm last night.
You say this man has children. If he does, chances are he is familiar with the female reproductive system and will understand. If you’ve already seen him this week, what’s the problem with just telling him all of this? You act like it’s not enough justification…what you’re comfortable with is justification enough.
Being cagey about normal things like this, lifestyle, scheduling…it will make the other person uncomfortable in ways you don’t intend. We gain closeness with others by letting them into our lives. You say you’ve known this person for more than two years. I think just being direct about these things is no big deal.
Girl…I think you need to take a few deep breaths here. You’re sitting in the passenger seat of your life. It’s time to move over and drive.
>We have the same schedule with the days we have our kids, with both of us not having them on Monday and Tuesday. On Sunday he said he wanted to spend time together both nights and I agreed. Thing is, here we are on Tuesday and I just want a night to myself.
Then why did you agree to spend both nights with him?? Seems all of your reasons you want alone time you were aware of (or should have been) when you made plans. Is that also a communication issue, where you’re having problems saying you can’t hang out and just agree to plans he suggests?? Maybe don’t agree to that in the future? Before you agree to things, think through it more and tell him you’re tentative if you know you’ll have a lot of crap going on.
>Lastly, he wants to come over. Which isn’t really a problem except for I moved since we last dated. I sold my home and downsized to an apartment for my sons and I until the market changes and I find something I love. I am terrified that he will judge me poorly and I just haven’t told him.
Why on earth are you not telling him normal things that people do. Moving is a big deal. These are things you share when you’re dating someone. Now you’re going to have him come over and he’ll be all “Where the hell is this? You got a new place and didn’t even mention it?” Why are you making things weird when they don’t have to be?? There’s nothing embarrassing about living in an apartment. What kind of person would negatively judge you for that? A monster is who!
>I know open communication is so important but how would you approach these situations? Are these red flags on my end?
Tell him exactly what you told us. This really isn’t a big deal. We all have shitty, stressful days and need a break from life. If he has a problem with you taking one day, yet still seeing him two other days in the week, that’s a him problem and perhaps you’re not a good match.
I’ll be honest here, this isn’t about communication. Seems this is about your lack of self esteem and confidence. Perhaps you’ve been in shitty relationships in the past (either with family or men)?? I’d really encourage you to talk to a professional about this. You need to project your voice! Feel comfortable and safe in your skin. Not seeing that at all here.