A little back story, September 24th we met, October 1st we became official and had sex for the first time, October 2nd we told each other we love each other, October 9th, I took my parents abuse for the last time and left home, he offered to let me spend the night, and I haven’t left since. I’ve offered to stay somewhere else more times than I can count but he wants me to stay and I honestly would like to stay but I know a lot of times when relationships move fast, they don’t end well and I want to make sure that doesn’t happen. What can I do at this point?
TL;DR basically moved in with my boyfriend less than a week and a half after we started dating and I fear it’s bad luck for us.
3 comments
If you’re both happy with it, no reason to change it.
I would just recommend that you make sure you’re saving money for your own apartment in case you break up.
> but I know a lot of times when relationships move fast, they don’t end well and I want to make sure that doesn’t happen
Other way around.
Most relationships *period* don’t end well, so part of not moving in early is waiting out the early period to make sure you have basic compatibility and problem-solving skills before you make a financial commitment together. The “not moving in early” isn’t to *make* the relationship more secure, it’s to make *sure* the relationship is already secure.
You’re already there, so there’s not really much to be done about it. If things don’t work out you’ll need to move out, of course, but it is what it is.
If you’re in college, I’d highly recommend seeing if they have attached therapists. Coming out of an abusive home often leaves you with bad habits and reflexes, and the sooner you start working on those the better you’ll be.
First up, good on you for getting out of an abusive situation. It’s really tough to do, so good on you for getting out.
Second, it’s not that moving fast brings bad luck to a relationship. It’s just that in the dating stage, you don’t have all the information you need to decide “is this something I really want to stick with long-term?”
You’ll have people that find out after about a year or so, after the New Relationship Energy has worn off, that they actually have some glaring incompatibilities with the person they’re with. Maybe the partner has a really unhealthy way of managing anxiety or stress. Maybe they have really bad money habits or lifestyle habits. Or maybe it’s just something as simple as “I want a partner whom I can go party with, they only ever want to stay home.” If you discover these incompatibilities when you’re still dating, ending the relationship is a straight-forward process. It’s significantly harder to leave a relationship that isn’t working if you’re both on a lease, or put a lot of money into a joint holiday/furniture, or own a pet together. Suddenly, leaving a bad relationship isn’t just an emotional decision, it’s a financial one. “Can I *afford* to leave this relationship financially, even though it’s hurting me emotionally?”
My recommendations for the situation you’re in now:
* Have at least one (ideally two) fall-back accomodation options in your back pocket: a friend with a spare room or a couch they’d be happy to put you on at short notice. Ideally you won’t need them, but it will make you feel better to know that, if things go pear-shaped, your get-away options aren’t just Abusive Parents or Street.
* Start figuring out your finances. Do you have savings? Do you have an income? Do you have ways to supplement your income? Basically, how can you live in a way where you are your boyfriend’s Boyfriend and not his Dependent.
* You and your boyfriend have only known eachother a month and dating for much less than that. At this point, don’t plan for more than 3 months into the future. Then, once you guys get to 3 months, look ahead to the next 3-6 months. Don’t assume at this moment that you two are going to be together for a year or 5 years or forever. Enjoy the now, be optimistic for the future, but don’t make any committed plans for more than 3 months into the future.
* Keep an eye out for other longer-term accomodation options for yourself. You and your boyfriend are both very young, and it’s very early on in your relationship. There’s a chance that you two will be more than happy to live together for months and months and years and years, but there’s also a chance that it will put uncomfortable pressure on your relationship to be both dating AND sharing chores and a living space. If there’s an opportunity for you to live somewhere else, strongly consider taking it. It’s not a sign you don’t love your boyfriend or have faith in your relationship, it’s proof you take your relationship seriously and want to give it every chance for success (and if your boyfriend takes you wanting to live elsewhere as a sign you don’t love him, RUN).