TLDR husband didn’t do anything for my birthday and I’m not sure if I need to get over it or communicate more.
My (30f) husband (30m) is wonderful. He is always affectionate and caring, he does so many little things for me every day like having my coffee ready when I wake up. He’s also always on top of the housework, to the point I sometimes feel a little guilty that I don’t do enough! But we have a new born that keeps me pretty busy.
He has never been good at romantic gestures. Maybe that’s common to a lot of men. I am always the one to initiate things like a date night or a weekend away or just taking sometime to spend together at home and doing something special like making dinner together or watching a movie.
It was recently my birthday, it’s been a hard 6 months with a new baby and being a first time mom. I’ve been running on empty for a long time and I looked forwards to my birthday as a chance to have my cup filled. A day just for me where my husband would have to do something to make me feel special and I was excited for that. There were a few things I had asked him to do for my birthday such as take the day off work and I picked the dinner we were going to make. I didn’t expect much else from him just some small gesture to show that he put the effort in to think about what he could do that would make me feel special.
Well he didn’t do anything on top of what was requested by me. No gift either not that that is the most important thing but just added to the disappointment. I actually ended up making dinner alone on my birthday while he sat on the couch on his phone.
We talked about it later and he apologized and said he should’ve done more to make it special. But I can’t seem to get past it. After I told him why it was so important to me this year I expected him to then go and do something to make it up for me but all I got was “ooops sorry”. I don’t know where to go from here
Am I wrong to be this upset about this? It’s been a week and I’m still sulking and hoping that he’ll just clue in and do something nice
30 comments
It’s okay to be upset but I wouldn’t make a federal case out of it by blowing it out of proportion. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not that big of a deal. Sounds like the two of you have a lot going on just balancing life with a newborn.
Stop “hoping” and tell him what you want clearly. You love him. You think he’s a good husband. He takes good care of you. Stop playing games with your needs and desires.
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“hey husband, I really need you to step up and plan something romantic and pamper me.”
You wanted him to pick something for dinner, and then he let you cook it all by yourself? I would ask him again why this year is different and if he can do more next year. It’s possible he could be feeling stressed out by the baby as well.
>There were a few things I had asked him to do for my birthday
When you made these requests, was he responsive? Did he acknowledge your requests and agreed to follow through on what’s expected of him? I’m not asking for the sake of defending him – it sucks that he didn’t do what you asked – but I wanted to explore whether the communication was fully received.
Either way, I think the strongest angle you have here for a convincing argument is explaining how it upset you that you had set expectations that you believed he agreed to, and he didn’t follow through on. You can go further about explaining how this makes you feel.
If you believe he better understands your perspective, consider making the conversation about what happens next a dialogue. Something like “I’d really appreciate it if you could do something special for me in the next few days. I’d be open to sharing ideas, but I’d want to make sure that I’m offering a suggestion that you’re willing to go with, so please let me know your thoughts as well.”
I’m not always a tit for tat type of person… but for these instances, I most definitely am. Whatever his next exciting thing is… underwhelm him!!! He’ll ask if this is in retaliation and I would say exactly what he said to you about your birthday.
“These have been hard months for both of us. You and I agreed the ball was dropped for my birthday. I’m sort of left wondering why you didn’t find a way to make it up to me, knowing how important this is. It’s important- I need you to choose a day and do something to celebrate me and acknowledge my birthday.”
You aren’t asking too much, he did literally nothing.
Tell him he’s making it up to you by watching the baby when you go on a birthday girls’ overnight next weekend. If you don’t have girls, take yourself out. Go recharge and let him handle the baby, before you get burnt out to a crisp and into PPD city.
And yeah, it’s common in men, and also common for men to find themselves getting divorce papers as soon as the child leaves for school, and then being all surprised Pikachu about it. Get yourselves in counseling, before your resentment gets bigger. Even if he’s stressed and forgot, sitting there on his phone and not even bothering to spend time talking to you once he was reminded is cold and hurtful. Did he even give you a neck rub?
> But I can’t seem to get past it. After I told him why it was so important to me this year I expected him to then go and do something to make it up for me but all I got was “ooops sorry”. I don’t know where to go from here
It seems to me that this isn’t entirely about your birthday. You also say that it’s _you_ who takes initiative for pretty much everything. You always initiate date nights, weekends, dinners, and so on. My assumption is that you can’t get over it _this_ time because it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back, and you have a broader problem with him not doing these things for your relationship overall. He does a lot for you in terms of being on top of the housework and being affectionate, but he doesn’t do enough to keep up the relationship/make you feel valued as his romantic partner. You can voice this. Sure, there might be one person who is more inclined towards this sort of thing, but it doesn’t mean they don’t deserve it in return.
Also, him keeping up with housework when you have a newborn is what he’s SUPPOSED to do. It’s not a favor to you.
It just surprises me a bit…most people have friends, family members and you might go out for a meal or to theirs for a party, or perhaps a bigger celebration if it’s a ‘big’ birthday. It’s not a foreign concept to celebrate someone’s birthday.
Why do we see so many posts like this where spouses do little/nothing? Speaking generally as struggling to understand
At least the bar is set pretty low for his next birthday. Get a cupcake for yourself and a gift card for a mani/pedi. Leave the kid with him and enjoy his day for him.
id tell him how i felt and how i wanted things to change
I couldn’t imagine being married to someone who does literally nothing for my birthday.
What a dumbass.
You both sound like you work so hard and are doing your best- adjusting to parenthood can be so hard! It also sounds like acts of service (as opposed to gift giving) is his love language. He shows he loves you by keeping the house clean and making you coffee, which is awesome! He needs a little more communication about gift giving. Best of luck as you both navigate this journey!
Wait! He forgot your 30th birthday? I’d be all kinds of irritated. I agree with the others who say you should express your needs clearly to him. Everyone has expectations in a relationship, and it’s healthy (and necessary) for each of you to communicate those. Think about writing it out first, so you don’t get sidetracked. Good luck, and happy birthday; you deserve to be adored.
Obviously none of us can see the full story of your lives and no doubt it’s a rich, complex story. What I would like to say as I think it’s really important to remember is that this period, the first year of your first child, is potentially deadly to relationships.
You may see how lucky he is to be out of the house for 8 hours doing what he knows, he may see how lucky you are being at home with this wonderful, though challenging, little person. You may feel guilty for leaving too much of housework/money making to him, he may feel guilty for not being as hands on a parent as you are.
That first five minutes when he walks in the door from work and you both think “I’m so glad, I can finally relax for a moment” only to find that can’t possibly be the case for both of you may cause confusion, disappointment and resentment.
If you can allow yourself to forgive occasional failure and ask for forgiveness for your own occasional failures, if you can share your irrationalilties and genuinely listen to his whilst both recognising “we’re both so tired and so busy and so stressed right now but one day we’ll only remember the cute stuff our child did if we can just get through this genuinely, unexpectedly hard time” then things will get better.
Good luck. With love, communication, patience and a lot of forgiveness you’ll make it through to much easier days ahead and I promise it gets better.
I can only speak from my experience, however I missed my wife’s birthday once, waited way too long to get anything together and what I came up with was almost nothing. I will never forget seeing how saddened and hurt she was, so we talked it out and a week later we had a nice birthday like she wanted.
But this situation made me reflect on why this happened and how I let it slip this bad. In short I had depression and didn’t know it and I ended up going to a counselor. Do you think it might be something along those lines? That first year and a half is rough on both parents with a kid. You’re adjusting to a completely new lifestyle while trying to keep this small human alive. My wife is about to have our 2nd kid and we’re both mentally prepping ourselves for what’s to come, we know it will be rough and we’ll probably have rough patches again however we just want to be able to face them together. But in the end make sure you guys take care of your mental health as well.
Do talk to him about how much it bothered/hurt you, hopefully he will understand then. Because missing a birthday is a rather big deal to most people. Hope this helps in some way.
As my dad said “I’d rather have someone appreciate me all year, then act like they appreciate me for one day”. Sounds like you have the all year opposed to just the one day. As I always say, it’s never about what you do for people, it’s always about what you don’t do. Ain’t no body perfect and not always good at everything. This post started with one sentence of “hes wonderful” then 2-3 paragraphs about what he doesn’t do.
It’s very difficult to reconcile your first paragraph remarks “He is always affectionate and caring, he does so many little things for me every day like having my coffee ready when I wake up. He’s also always on top of the housework” to not getting you a birthday gift or taking you out for dinner instead of having you make it. You’ve told him how you feel and given him a week to buy a gift or do something special – his behavior isn’t always being caring as you described. Painful as it is you need to communicate again to this bonehead that he needs to do something to avoid you being treated as if you were unimportant in his life, which I realize takes away any pleasure you’ll get out of whatever he does now. Unfortunately, it is now about regaining respect in the relationship.
Wonderful partners don’t forget birthdays. Let alone the very first once since you became a mother to his child.
> There were a few things I had asked him to do for my birthday such as take the day off work and I picked the dinner we were going to make.
Very small ask.
> After I told him why it was so important to me this year I expected him to then go and do something to make it up for me but all I got was “ooops sorry”. I don’t know where to go from here
To me, he just doesn’t sound like he cares.
I mean, I guess I’d pull him aside and be like “hey babe, I specifically asked for you to help out with making my birthday dinner. Grand scheme of things, this was a small ask and in the past I’ve gone out of my way to try to do a special thing for you for your birthday. Instead, you sat on your phone and left me to cook my own birthday dinner.
You said sorry but I’m still feeling upset and frankly I feel kinda taken for granted. Can I please get a do-over on *blank* date. I’m not asking for anything fancy but I would like to be reminded that you consider me a romantic partner and not just a mom bot who makes dinner all the time.”
Or some similar script. Asking for him to help with cooking one night is *not* a big ask and it’s frustrating because it sure seemed to me like you were perfectly clear about what you wanted and he didn’t even do that.
Have you guys gone out on a date at all since the kid arrived? Or done anything as a couple?
So, I noticed you said he sat on the couch on his phone and didn’t do anything for you birthday. Not to sound all get off my porch old, but phones, IMOA, have really altered everyone’s active presence in a bad way. It’s insidious. For reference, I just turned 40 and have been with my hubs since we were 17, so pre smart phone. He’s nowhere near as present and attentive as he used to be, because he’s addicted to the phone like so many are. Maybe that’s part of the problem. But you absolutely deserve to have your birthday celebrated and he needs to do a makeup day. You’re not overreacting, you’re doing everything you should be by expressing exactly how you feel and what you want.. He needs to step up and be a present partner and celebrate you.
You are not wrong to feel upset and let down. And you would think he would have come home from work one of the next nights with A thoughtful card and at least flowers from the grocery store and a birthday cupcake or cake from the store. I’m wondering – did he forget your birthday all together? Or he just didn’t think to get you a gift? It gives me an uneasy feeling that maybe do you think someone from work is taking up his consideration instead of his wife and new baby? I hate to be negative but what he did was so heartless and I feel you deserve a planned date night by him but he obviously isn’t going to do that without your suggestion and that kind of defeats the purpose because it’s him doing it because you told him and feels disingenuous. Have a conversation about how this is really making you feel unloved and disregarded. Then… When his birthday rolls around – don’t do anything for his birthday. Have him make you dinner on his birthday and Dont even make any fuss about it and see how he feels. I bet he remembers your birthday next year❣️
My husband didn’t give a crap about my 30th (I only cared/care about decade birthdays). I told him what I wanted and was excited. I got nothing.
It was a sneak peak into our relationship. On my 40th I was hoping for better, especially after saying 30 was a dark spot. I bought my own cake and he went to bed before it was cut. I threw it away and left him a month later.
I’m glad I did.
If your best friend came up to you and told you her husband upset her (unknowingly?), and she asked you if she should communicate with him and come to a solution that makes everyone happy or just suck it up and pretend it didn’t make her sad, what would your advice be?
Doesn’t it sound ridiculous that you would tell someone you love to just “get over it” instead of communicating with their spouse/life partner? Why do you think YOU should?
Is there a reason you don’t feel like you can be open and honest and communicate with him? Does that usually result in him getting defensive, ignoring you, playing victim? Or is this a personal insecurity?
I think the key issue here is a communication gap. You are absolutely valid in wanting a break and wanting your cup filled. But perhaps the message didn’t get through to him clearly enough, probably because he’s stressed out too (though not as much as the mother IMO as a mother lol. Don’t think a lot of dads really get that). In the past, did you guys always celebrate your birthdays in a big or special way? Does he know that that really matters to you – special gestures/gifts on your birthday? From reading your post, I just had the thought that maybe he isn’t aware of how much you needed and wanted this. As he is otherwise so caring and affectionate, it sounds like he really loves you and wouldn’t be insensitive on purpose.
I used to love making cards or some kind of craft item for my husband (and boyfriend when we were dating) because I enjoyed it. But after we had our baby (he’s almost 2 now), I just haven’t had the inspiration or the time to do any of that. That doesn’t mean I love him any less — if anything, I love him more now! My point is, I don’t think he is being insensitive on purpose, maybe there’s a lot going on in his head – I’m sure as a father he constantly thinks about how to provide for his family, etc etc.
You can try telling him again that this was very important to you, that he do something special. Just share what you’re sharing here – that you’re still upset about this. I always do that with my husband and it really helps to neutralize any resentment as opposed to harboring it in me. Simply communicating it to him eases my tension and gives him a chance to explain his side and clears up misunderstanding.
OP, I am like your husband in a lot of ways, maybe not quite as bad. I’m not a buy flowers and candy, surprise trips kind of guy. I do however try to make my wife feel special on her birthday. She too has always complained that she has to make all the plans and arrangements or we would never go anywhere.
However, after 40 yrs of being together she knows just how much I love her. I might not express it in all the ways she would like me to, but just like your husband, I have many small rituals I do to express my love, Even walking her to her car and kissing her bye every morning when she leaves for work. (I work from home)
So I say all this in hopes that you see all the things he does for you. I don’t know why he slipped up on your special day, if he is like me, he got busy and the next thing you know it’s too late to make plans. But I do agree with you that after calling him out he should have apologized and made it up to you. If this is a one off, then I wouldn’t be too harsh, but if it’s becoming a trend I’d have a serious heart to heart talk with him. Everyone wants to feel special.
Oh, one last thing. Happy birthday! You have my permission to grab his credit card, go to the bakery and grab a cake, order your favorite takeout and just take the day off. (and you get the remote tonight!)
I was on the fence in the beginning. He’s also a new dad and some people are just shockingly bad at coming up with ideas… I mean, there seems to big a big empty space where the ideas should be. Just the wind whistling through. You said he’s sometimes better at chores. Well, that’s me and dh (30 years together now) he’s organized, I have ideas.
So he went with everything you suggested and supported it, except dinner… then he’s sitting on the sofa scrolling through his phone. I would have been so disappointed too. While it might be that (as other commenters have said) it feels like he’s shirking the mental load when it comes to creativity, it’s just not that hard to get off the sofa and help. On your birthday.
So I have to ask. What do you do on his birthday? Bring it up. Have that discussion. Say, “remember on your birthday we did xyz? Did you like it? Did it make you feel cared for, or was I wasting my energy? Because I could totally deal with celebrating your birthday by watching you cook dinner from the sofa if that’s what we do in this relationship.” And also, ask yourself HONESTLY if there maybe have been times in the past where he tried to come up with an idea and got it wrong and you let him know it, so now he’s afraid to try.
Whatever you do, don’t pout. YOU don’t need to be wasting your energy on doing it, HE doesn’t need to waste his energy on absorbing it. Talk to him (keep it calm, even if he starts to get angry, because getting angry is a common response to being embarrassed that you effed up), and if the words “yeah, I get that I messed up” come out of his mouth, you say “so, what are you going to do about it?” AND THEN STOP TALKING. Let that silence get as long as it needs to for him to fill it with something meaningful.
Happy belated birthday 🎂
The squeaky wheel gets oiled. Sometimes when you want something you have to make sure the other person understands how important it is. Sometimes that means being a little dramatic.
Id probably sit him down and give it to him straight about how little things like this add up to resentment and you’re already feeling resentment about it. Resentment is the first of the four horsemen of the relationship Apocalypse. Let him know that.
When you want something and it is non-negotiable to the point where it is changing the way you see your partner you have to let them know that you are that serious. I’ve literally sat my husband down and said “If this continues we will see a divorce in the next decade. It might not happen now but it will happen slowly with little drips of resentment every time shit like this happens. So either up your game or prepare for a divorce.”
I don’t know if you’re on that hill, birthdays don’t matter to me so me and my husband basically ignored both of our birthdays unless one of us feels like doing something for ourselves or the other person… But if you’re still resentful after a week I have a feeling this is something that warrants a more serious conversation where you put on the table very seriously what is st stake.
And I do think he needs to be chastised for his “oops sorry” bullshit instead of rectifying the situation by actually doing something. And you should also make it clear that even though he’s doing something he’s still in the fucking dog house, because he should care enough to want to do something for your birthday.
Don’t let this motherfycker get complacent.
But for you, call your friends and family and set up a day for yourself and drop him with the baby all day. Tell him not to call for help, he is a grown man and can figure it out himself.
It’s just a birthday lmfao
To be honest I don’t like festivities like that because I am sooo bad at finding gifts. Try to see his time as the best gift there is because it is precious . He clearly loves you a lot .