I (28F) recently gave birth to my second child. My parents (57F/58M) live 6 minutes from my husband and I so our game plan was when I go into labor my parents would come and watch our first child while we were at the hospital. My Dad is very involved with our daughter (2y/o) but my mom often skips out on play dates and dinners I set up because she is too tired from work or doesn’t feel up to it. For clarification, she works 6-8 hr days as a receptionist in a medical clinic. My parents were ecstatic to be able to watch her while I would be at the hospital because they would be the first ones to meet the new baby then. Well, I went into labor 2 weeks early on a friday, and my dad was out of town for work and wouldn’t be home til Sunday evening. I called my mom, and she said she would be there but had to run to target first. She got to our house 2.5 hours later. I was freaking out because I went quickly with my first, and they said you go faster with the second. W/e she got there, and when we laid out all the instructions and said we would probably be discharged late Sunday or early Monday, she was visibly surprised. She asked if we really thought it would be all weekend, and she would need to cancel plans. I asked then and there if we should bring my daughter with and call my in-laws to meet us at the hospital . My mom said it was fine and she would happily watch her.
My inlaws are amazing with our daughter and are definitely the more involved grandparents but they live farther away (35/40ish minutes) and my husband and I were worried it would take too long for them to get to our house.
My mom called us early on Saturday morning (530ish) and said she had a headache and couldn’t watch our toddler and asked us to call my inlaws to come get her. My husband called his parents, and they literally showed up in their Pj’s by 6:15am. I called my older sister to vent about how unreliable our mom was and how I thought she faked a headache to get out of watching our daughter. My dad is the one that plays with her, gets meals ready, and does bedtime on the few occasions they have babysat her. I said she just wanted to get out of it because my dad wasn’t there to actually do the work.
For background, my mom used the headache excuse VERY often when I was growing up to get out of family things to have alone time at the house. (Brothers football games, church, visiting inlaws, ect)
Well, my sister asked my dad if it was legit or if she was just trying to get out of it when she realized what a big commitment it was. My dad told my mom, and when my parents came to meet the new baby for the first time, she told me I was an asshole for thinking she would fake a headache to get out the responsibility.
I can’t shake the feeling that she lied about it, and I’ve taken a step back from including them with my families events with the kids. I don’t know if this is the right move or if this is me being petty. I’m tired of being the one to initiate all contact and visits with my mom and my kids when she don’t make an effort to have a relationship with them on her own.
Is it fair of me to pull back and stop being the one to initiate her seeing my kid?
FAQ:
My mom has no barriers to healthcare and have been asked by my dad, siblings, and I to be evaluated by a neurologist, and she has always refused, saying they aren’t that bad.
This is the first and only time I have ever asked my mother to babysit alone. In the 2 years of my daughter collective they have babysat, maybe 5-6 times, for 2-3 hours. This is not a regular request, and they are not common care takers for my daughter by any means.
My mom hasn’t been a flake my entire life. This is more of a recent thing in the last few years. She was a good mom growing up and is now pretty indifferent. I can call her and she won’t call me back, same with text so our relationship as mother-daughter is pretty low communication and I have accepted that. However she regularly makes comments about how she doesn’t get to see the kids or gets upset when my daughter won’t hug her/kiss her when she asks. My husband and I have repeatedly told her that my daughter doesn’t need to show affection if she doesn’t want to, and my mom will continuously push for a hug or kiss. She very much so what’s the credit for the doting grandma but without actually trying to build a relationship.
I should have called my inlaws from the beginning when I knew my dad wouldn’t be available but I honestly had hoped she would step up given the situation.
And y’all I don’t even know how to address the target thing. I have no idea why that was necessary or why it took as long as it did.
41 comments
I think that you’re reacting as well as you can given the facts that you have – her decades of this behavior.
And it appears that her years of acting this way have caught up with her.
1,000% ok. You know who she is so adjust your relationship accordingly for your mental health and your heart. You should not have to beg someone to be part of your life. Focus on “your” family.
You’re probably right, mom probably just didn’t want to put in the effort since your dad wasn’t there to do the work. It’s unfortunate that she couldn’t suck it up in this situation, it’s not like you just wanted to go out to dinner. The only thing I would say is, don’t punish your father because he seems to really enjoy spending time with your daughter. But when it comes down to needing reliable, help, your in-laws should be your go to.
In the end it doesn’t really matter if the headache was real or not. What was real is that your mom bailed on being helpful incredibly early in the morning. Probably waking you up while you need rest the most so that you could arrange for alternate care for your child. Your mom proved she is unreliable regardless of the “excuse”. A headache is a very manageable condition that she could have waited until at least after breakfast to be bothering you. Was your child even awake yet to be too much to deal with with a headache? Probably not.
Whether she was being honest or not you seem to feel this is another mark in her long line of getting out of responsibilities, and being as minimally involved in your child’s life as possible. I think it’s fair to limit contact to someone who let you down in a moment of need, and she’s proven multiple times to you that you and your child/children are not her priority.
It’s not fair to your Dad tho.
Stop talking to Mom and just contact Dad. He seems like the real parent anyway. just don’t punish him for her behaviour. Even if i had a headache that was SO debilitating I couldn’t push through WHILE THEY WERE HAVING A BABY i would be apologizing profusely on my hands and knees for their forgiveness. It’s not your job to keep up the relationship it’s a joint effort for any one. At least you’ve got great inlaws. Maybe MIL will be more fulfilling as a maternal relationship.
She’s a flake. It is fair to adjust your expectations accordingly and deal with her as the unreliable person she is.
I get taking a step back from your family as your mum seems unreliable at best and a liar at worst. That said it does sound like your father cares and loves your daughter. It may be a good idea to have him remain involved or just ask him to join for events without your mom if possible.
Whether the headache was real or not almost doesn’t matter, I can’t believe she kept you waiting for HOURS so she could go to Target. That’s a bizarre choice and demonstrates she doesn’t care.
Some people like to talk a good game about being a grandparent, but don’t actually want to do the work. They like the “glory” and attention from being a grandparent, but don’t want to change any diapers or show up.
What you have to do is stop relying on your parents . Assume they will never babysit for you. Don’t worry if they get upset, they don’t get to see the baby or didn’t get to see the baby first or any nonsense like that.
I wouldn’t cut them off, but I would never ask them to babysit. If you have a birthday party or some thing, don’t plan it around them… invite them, but assume they won’t show up. If you wanna go, pumpkin, picking, or some thing invite both grandparents and if you were still show up, that’s fine. Maybe just send photos or videos of the baby to your parents and they can show them to the friends, but not actually have to bother to do work to see you guys. If they want to see the baby, say sure let me know when you wanna come over. Make them do the work.
She loves you but doesn’t like doing work. She works full time and is probably SUPER OVER raising kids. She’s already done it a few times.
This was such a horrible time for her to express these feelings though. And that’s hard. But I wouldn’t blame her for not wanting to do babysitting work anymore. Maybe focus more on your relationship with her as “mom” instead of as “grandma”.
Love doesn’t always equal work.
Drop the rope with your mom but don’t with your dad. He’s an active grandparent, don’t punish him because someone else sucks.
Those events where you’d normally invite both of them, only send that message to your dad, mom will either show up or not but expect her not to. If you need to feel like they’re putting in as much effort as you do, for every time they reach out, you reach out too. This way, you get the info you need and you have the defense of “I call you as much as you call me so you have no room to complain”. I just wouldn’t keep this tit-for-tat with your dad long-term because so far he has proven he’s willing to put effort into the relationship with you and your kids.
You know your mom is unreliable. No longer ask her for favors like babysitting. If she offers to babysit, after the first time she flakes out, start saying no to her requests. If she pushes for an explanation, tell her it’s just too stressful to find a backup plan when she bails at the last second.
I’d recommend against a confrontation for the sole fact that you’re a fresh parent who needs to be focusing on your immediate family unit right now.
“she told me I was an asshole for thinking she would fake a headache to get out the responsibility.”
“Well, gee mom. That’s been your go to excuse for getting out of stuff you don’t want to do for as long as I can remember. Don’t you think I can recognize when your making excuses by now?”
Who goes to Target when their daughter goes into labor and is waiting for them to show up? You should have just called your in-laws from the beginning.
I spent my whole adult life working in medical offices. Her job isn’t that hard.
Include them as much or as little as you want but, it sounds like you are punishing your dad for your mom’s behavior by not inviting them to events. You know you can’t rely on her to be available and responsible so, I think just not expecting her to babysit, is all that needs to happen here. If your dad is out of town, ask your inlaws. Maybe she will notice you aren’t asking. Maybe she won’t. Either way, it sounds like neither you nor she wants her to be responsible for the kids.
Your mum “Had to go to Target” when you were in labour? I’m gonna say NTA.
Do not initiate contact or enlist help from your mother going forward. She did not bail out on a random night of babysitting while you and your husband were going to the movies. She bailed out while you were in LABOR!!
and unable to get home to care for your child. This is inexcusable.
My mother did something similar, I never again asked or depended on her to care for my children (they live a mile away). My father was an active grandfather and super involved in our children’s lives. Now my mother wonders why she has no relationship with my young adult sons and they call Grandpa twice a week.
For your own sanity just accept she is going to be like that. Some people just are. Accept that she will never be 100% reliable. That’s the only way you will stop hurting about these scenarios.
She lied, only make plans with dad.
It seems pretty clear that your mom is done raising kids, and that’s fine. I wouldn’t rely on her for direct childcare. She’s not wrong for not wanting to do the not-fun parts of childcare, though she should have just told you in that moment you gave her an out that she couldn’t handle it so you could get your daughter settled with your in-laws. I would stop initiating or coordinating plans with her and your kids, let your dad take the lead there and she can orbit farther away if that’s what she wants.
It doesn’t matter if she lied or not. She’s shown time and again that she’s flakey. Stop reaching out to her and if she wants a relationship with her grandchildren, that effort and responsibility will have to fall to her.
It can be disappointing and sad but sometimes you just have to accept that your parents are who they are & not who you would like them to be. Your mom has history of having headaches. Maybe she really does get a lot of headaches & maybe she uses headaches as an excuse to avoid peopling. It might not matter the reason – the fact is she does this often & is unlikely going to change.
She has also shown the level of grandparent involvement that she wants to give. Does it suck to feel like you are the one who is always making the effort? YES. Does it hurt to want your parents to be involved in your life & with your kids & they don’t want that? YES. Is it painful when it feels like your parents don’t care? YES.
But unfortunately, sometimes that’s the reality. You have to decide how you can live with that. Adjust your expectations. Make the invite but don’t get your hopes up. Know, if its important, you can rely on your dad only. Don’t exclude your parents (especially your dad) out of anger but modify the invites or events as needed. Shorter times? Less often? Invite your dad on his own? Or give “emotional” permission to your dad to come on his own if your mom has a headache? (might be a win-win, Mom gets her alone time & dad gets grandparent time)
Does your mom provide support to you in other ways? If so, focus on the good parts of your relationship. No need to go no-contact but give yourself permission to step back on other parts that are disappointing or emotionally painful to you. Your mom has shown you who she is (these headaches are not new) and how she will react if criticized (she called you the AH instead of apologize or showing self-awareness). Stop beating your head against that wall.
Signed,
been there, done that
One thing I would caution is to not punish your dad (who you characterize as a very loving, involved grandparent) because of your mom’s behavior. Sooner or later, excluding your dad from family events (and realistically you’ll need to invite your mom also) will damage your dad’s relationship with your kids. So your kids would miss out on a grandpa. Only you know if that’s a sacrifice you’re willing to make in exchange for having limited contact with your mom.
Once you’ve found your rhythm with baby #2, I highly recommend some individual counseling to unpack your feelings about your childhood experiences with your mom. It seems like there is some residual resentment and perhaps even some trauma/neglect there that needs to be healed so when you encounter triggers as you did when your mom wasn’t able to her her promise when you gave birth this time, you can react without that painful emotional connection to the past.
It sounds like your mom is a flake and you should not depend on her, but I’ll note that weekend-only headaches are a real thing. I used to get migraines on most Saturdays that would start very early in the morning and ruin my whole day. It turned out to be a blood pressure thing – my BP would be higher from the ordinary stress of work M-F, then drop at the weekend, triggering a migraine.
She didn’t/doesn’t want to be an involved grandparent – your Dad does. I have to say that knowing your Mom’s behavior in the past – I would have skipped calling her and gone straight to the other grandparents. Your Mom just wants to show up – coo at the baby for 5 minutes and then leave. Please for your sake and your children’s sake stop expecting more from her.
On another note – please be careful on what you say to your sister going forward. She obviously repeated what you said and then Dad mentioned it to Mom. Just protect yourself and your precious babies!
To me, it sounds like you’ve tried to manage as best you can, and you’ve found your mom is unreliable. Whether the headaches are real or not, it doesn’t matter. She can’t be counted on to assist when needed, so don’t expect anything from her.
Stick to plans with your dad directly or your in-laws. If she happens to be there with your dad, so be it. But she’s a background character at this point.
Same with family events and such. Include dad specifically, she can tag along. Or not, whatever.
Nah, you aren’t being petty, your mom has a history of having a headache when she doesn’t want to do something instead of just saying no. Which is valid to just say no.
I think stepping back for now and assess what you want from your mom going forward and what she is willing to give. It’s tough to really work through this since your mom is not likely to be honest and will stick to her usual excuse.
OP- you can raise your own children without your parents.
She has obviously shown you her priorities and they are not your children.
She is the one missing out, I would only reach out to the inlaws in the future. They seem to really be there for you.
I wouldn’t ask your mom for anything else going forward. She’s a flake.
A relationship requires effort from both sides. If she doesn’t put effort forth why should you? Also you 100% should have called her out after she brought it up.
Your mom is the grandparent that wants the accolades and photos posted of her but none of the work that comes with it. Make it a point to invite your dad only from now on until your mother gets the point and apologizes.
100% fair to pull back. If they want a relationship they will prove it by being there. If you know this is her trademark then it’s true she lied but will deny it.
The fake headache was not the issue. The decision to stroll around target for 2.5 hours while her daughter was in labor was.
Just curious OP – is your mom dealing with alcoholism or something similar? I’m just wondering based on her headache reasoning going back into your childhood, and the fact that your parents don’t reach out collectively, he just occasionally reaches out himself sometimes. Maybe he’s trying to hide what’s going on?
Make plans with your dad and dad only
Do we have the same mom?
There is no amount of headache that would keep me from taking care of my grandchild while my child gives birth.
The headaches could be legit but who knows. The real question is why the fuck she made you wait two hours because she had to go Target??
Lol, if you have a headache but important stuff is going on you take an ibu and get that stuff done.
100% a cheap excuse
Pro-tip: never count on her to follow through on an offer to watch your kids ever again. Make other plans for childcare and welcome her for short visits.
You made the correct choice. She flaked. She chose not to be there. The head ache, unless it’s debilitating to the point where she needs hospitalization, is a bull shit excuse. I personally would remove her from my life If I were in your position.
She told you you were an arsehole when meeting your baby for the first time, and you were just hours out of labour? That’s a shitty thing to do. And I know how distressing it is to have a parent simply not bother or care that much.
If she’s that flaky and apathetic, it’s not unhealthy for you to simply stop trying with her and try to reserve hope. Expect her to act as she always has. You don’t have to cut her off, since she doesn’t really make an effort you’ll probably see her a lot less if you don’t either.