Disclaimer: I’m not here to promote gender stereotypes and/or toxic masculinity. I just want to figure out how I should conduct myself in this relationship in a healthy way.
In traditional relationships, the man takes a leadership role and the woman plays a supportive role. This is what society encourages.
The problem is the girl I’m dating is very dominant, while I am agreeable. I’m not sure how to operate in this relationship in a healthy way.
She’s very assertive, while I’m laid back. She is decisive, while I like to consider my options. She’s extraverted while I’m introverted. I’m agreeable while she prefers having her way. She’s fast and hypercompetent, while Im slower, analytical, and even clumsy.
On paper this sounds fine. I genuinely don’t think I have a problem letting her take charge if it’s natural but I worry that it’ll just make her lose attraction for me?
In my experience, women have lost attraction for me whenever I failed to live up to the masculine ideal. As a black man, society expects me to be the epitome of masculinity and, while I don’t agree with it, I realize that I fall short. Mistakes as simple as messing up directions or talking about my insecurities is an issue and I often doubt my competence as a man.
I can see this unfolding in a toxic/abusive way where she bosses me around because I’m too agreeable/too much of a pleaser and she doesn’t respect me. Or she’ll just leave me because she wants someone stronger than I am. I don’t know what to do.
Tldr: Girl I’m seeing is very dominant and I’m not at all. Genuinely don’t know how to proceed while maintaining mutual respect
3 comments
sexually, as well? Often these things don’t carry over into intimacy. But I think in terms of day to day life – both people cant be dominant – two strongly opinionated parties just blow up at some point. I think every working couple needs a leader and a follower
I think you are projecting some insecurities on her and creating scenarios based on a flawed understanding of the situation.
Her being more dominant is not a pathway into her bossing you around. That sounds more like internal fears rather than something based on the interactions you’ve had with her.
Personally I feel like I often share your position, I’m pretty agreeable and introverted and I like girls who have more dominant and direct personalities. There are definitely women who abuse that power, and there are definitely some that still treat you as an equal. You can’t really fix any of these problems preemptively, you just have to see how your relationship unfolds and what kind of dynamic you have with one another. Stand up for yourself and make your needs and desires known as well, aside from that, just ensure that she sees you as an equal and go from there
RUN.
If she’s dominant now, just imagine what will happen when you’re married and with kids. She’ll use you like a doormat.
I was in a relationship like this, and I had to essentially beg to leave our house if I wanted to go to the store without her for 20 minutes.