Cleaning out the basement, my (35f) husband (38m) found a couple of old boxes of mine from my younger days. One box contained some old notes and letters and other keepsakes from an old boyfriend (we dated for two years in my early 20s).
It was kind of funny to see that old stuff, I honestly didn’t know I had kept any of it. My husband was intrigued and leafed through some of the stuff (I said it was fine, we laughed about some of it). It was all fine until he came across some notes my ex and I had exchanged around Thanksgiving one year, stating the top 50 things we were thankful for about each other.
Well, some of the things we said were cute, some were boring, some were racy, some were very dirty. My husband tried to laugh it off, but I can tell it’s been bothering him.
He said that three of the things I said and four of the things my ex said in the notes have stuck in his head and he’s having trouble getting past them. (They are dirty, I admit, but from years ago).
I let him know he is the man for me and I don’t give my ex a second thought, trying to reassure him. He knows this, but said this had been messing with his brain.
Any advice on how to handle this kind of thing?
5 comments
I’d probably try to get to the bottom of what is bothering him. Is he jealous that you’ve done these things with someone else and not him? Does he feel that you don’t have the same dirty passion towards him? etc. I’d also give it time – he might need a moment to process.
Reassure him. Go a bit overboard with praise. Communicate in HIS love language. At least to get over this hump (I’m guessing of insecurity ?).
“This toot shall pass”
But too. If he’s asked for something of a certain sexual nature. You had no problems doing it with your ex. But now with your current and your saying no, that should be addressed.
I’m venturing it’s jealously and he just needs some reassurance. Good luck!
Depends on what you did with the momentos. If you kept them, why?
If you did keep them, your husband may feel that you have a desire to cue up memories of better times.
Furthermore you don’t mention having a special keepsakes of your present relationship. Starting a keepsake box now would make it worse.
Understand that saving those either intentionally or unintentionally makes it appear that the ex was very special to you.
Hard to assess not knowing what the things were that you said or your ex said or the circumstances surrounding these specific things with your husband.
But, I know that I’ve had trouble in the past understanding why some things are acceptable with past partners or even hypothetical future aspects but not acceptable with the person that is supposed to be your everything. In my mind if you are with the person that means the most to you above all then you are going to give those people the best of you. Sometimes when we are in a comfortable relationship we tend to get into routines or get lackadaisical because it works. But should we be that way?
I want to be the best I can be for my wife. Be everything that I can be for her now. I’ve just seen so many people talk about how their current relationship didn’t work out. They split up and now they decide to change, to get in better shape, to be a better person, to take better care of themselves. That doesn’t compute, why didn’t you do that with your everything, the person that means the most to you?
Maybe he feels that you were more open to certain things with your ex that are off the table with him, so in turn he is feeling that maybe he isn’t your everything.
Just trying to give you an idea what may be going on in his head, from my perspective. Like I said it’s hard because we don’t know what these things were.
I really want to know what the things are that bothered him. I’m waiting…