Feeling incredibly lost right now.
I (28m) met my wife (28f) 7 years ago. She’s the absolute light of my life and has been since I met her. My family and friends adore her, and I have yet to meet anyone who would say anything negative about her. She is everything I hope to be. We have a daughter together (2), and I can’t even put into words how amazing of a mother she is.
When we met, I had just graduated from college and was feeling generally aimless, though I knew I had to get out of the state we lived in. Which is why when I met her, I didn’t pursue anything, though we both had very intense feelings for each other. We had something very similar to a relationship, and it was hard on both of us when I moved across the country for grad school. I knew I didn’t want to do long distance, it’s just nothing I had wanted to do with anyone. I had to lock in with school almost immediately, and it was easy to keep moving forward. She had just graduated undergrad as well, but was having a hard time finding work, so it was probably much easier for her to dwell on the heartbreak of our separation.
A month after I left, we drifted a bit, but she reached out one day to see how I was and inquired about why we hadn’t been talking much. I told her I actually started dating, and she didn’t take it well. The next day she sends me a picture of an ultrasound, and my world completely flipped. I was so stressed out and started falling behind in school. We mutually decided on abortion. She vehemently opposed any financial support on my end, which I found odd, but didn’t question. I told her that if she wouldn’t accept my money, I’d at least fly out to be with her (which I would’ve done either way). She seemed hesitant but agreed. I flew out for a weekend, she had the abortion, and I flew back.
Months passed, I started seriously dating other people, but honestly none of them were her. When I came back for Christmas that year, I asked her to be my girlfriend, and we’ve been together ever since.
We like to have a little book club, and the book we read most recently was about a couple with a failing marriage who decided to tell each other everything they’d been keeping from each other. We decided to do the same. And this is how she told me. She confessed a couple days ago, and I don’t even know how to feel.
She doesn’t know why she did it, other than a last ditch effort to keep me in her life. I didn’t give her any money, and she actually completely reimbursed my plane ticket (she snuck an envelope with the money in my suitcase before I flew back home). I just can’t believe she’s capable of lying about something like this, and hiding it from me for all these years. I’m 99% sure there’s nothing else she’s lying about, and I can’t bring myself to be genuinely mad at her. I certainly don’t want to break up my family over this. But I just don’t know how to move forward and look at her the same way. How do I trust her after this?
TL;DR: my wife lied about being pregnant before we were even dating as a way to keep me in her life. Wondering how to move forward, or even if I should.
30 comments
For her the big deal is the lie. She lied and that’s wrong.
But for you it’s much bigger than that.
You faced a pregnancy, being a father, raising a child, how that would affect your whole life, then you faced the loss and change of the abortion. It doesn’t matter that the baby didn’t exist because you believed it did and went through all of that.
You each have different problems. She has the lie to deal with, but she always knew there was no baby and no parenthood. You have the lie to deal with but also the baby, the abortion and the loss.
All the problems need dealt with. The fact that the baby was a lie doesn’t not mean it’s not a problem for you.
If you have a happy marriage, I’d encourage you to forgive her. My wife made me jealous to get me to ask her out by telling me that a very popular local musician had asked her to go on a date. I said, “So, are you single?”
She replied, “I think that’s up to you.”
Years later after we were married she admitted that the musician never asked her out. It was all a ruse to get me to make a move.
I realize that your situation is more challenging but if you’re in a loving marriage it’s best to leave the past in the past, wrap your arms around your wife and give her a kiss.
The people you were then, are not the people you are now. You have both grown, and leaving the past in the past is the healthiest way to move forward in your marriage. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s how you handle them when you love someone that can make or break a marriage. Protect your marriage and enjoy our family.
how could you be so sure that this was her first and last lie ever said ?
I would move past this. If there has been nothing else crazy then I bet she definitely regrets that. You immature and insecure is my guess. I had some mental health issues young that I have realized I made many stupid lies and regret them. I am a much better person all around now and been married 16 years
I feel like OP is Will Smith here…
I say as long as she acknowledges it was a crazy insane thing to do, let it go. Ppl do stupid things (especially in the name of love) and hopefully learn from them.
I know you didn’t specially reference it but I am willing to bet she wishes she didn’t do it.
On the topic of secret keeping although it was an outrageous lie, the end result was in practical terms: no harm, no foul. It makes it much easier to hide it when the risk of telling you is so great but it didn’t really change significantly the course of your life and choices. Now if you had moved home permanently to comfort her and given up your future plans as a result then you could be significantly more upset.
To help ease your own sanity, You may want to dive into your next discussion on this asking what she learned from it, how she changed, how it affects how she interacts going forward, what her expectations of you knowing are.
You need some therapy before you can really decide how you feel and what if anything needs to be done with this.
I mean, you were dating other people while you thought you had gotten someone else pregnant. That’s certainly suboptimal as well.
And for god sake people, never believe random sonogram pictures, the real thing is pretty unmistakeable.
Sorry, how did she fake an abortion?
So you married a person who faked a pregnancy, faked an abortion, caused significant upheaval in your grad school, and covered it up for many years. In the US, Legally, you may sue her for fraud, but there is the statute of limitations to be aware of. Think about that OP. Your happy little world built on a massive heart wrenching fraudulent claim.
I think a lot of people saying to just move past it and she’s a different person now and trying to justify her lie are being really insensitive about how her lie probably made you feel.
For you, her lie induced pure panic. You had to cope with the possibility of impending fatherhood, then all the emotions that come with an abortion. It’s good she didn’t accept any money, but that’s a big, monumental lie. That’s not a white lie or a stupid “so and so asked me out” to make you jealous. I think you should let yourself feel all the feelings you need to.
It’s a huge betrayal, and I hope she was extremely apologetic and finally felt like she got it off her chest instead of just “haha remember that abortion? Oops it wasn’t real!”
I’m not saying you need to breakup your family, unless you don’t feel you can recover from this. But I am saying she owes you a very sincere apology and she should be understanding that your trust in her is a bit shattered. It’s great she came clean, but she probably should have done that before you got married and had a kid. She waited until she felt it was “too late” for you to leave her.
INFO: how does one fake an abortion
You have a kid, so what is her motive behind lying to you? Was the baby even your baby? There is too many things you’re not saying here, like has she cheated on you, or have you ever felt she lied about more than a pregnancy?
How selfish! This may be a hot take, but she should have kept that to herself. She set a bomb off in your family.
I hope you’re able to get therapy and talk to someone about whether you can move on from this betrayl or not.
This is above reddit’s paygrade.
You have found out something that has totally shaken the trust you have in her. She told a terrible, fucked up lie when she was a dumb 20 year old. Now, maybe she isn’t that person now. Maybe she’s grown, and part of that growth was being honest about this. To her credit, she didn’t have to be, you didn’t know and likely never would have. But the violation of trust is real.
In short, reddit can’t find the answers for you. You two need to sit down with a professional to work through this. You guys need a setting where you can dive into this and work through it, or do the work to determine that you can’t get past it. Some people can work through this kind of thing. Some can’t. But we don’t have the answers here. Book a couples counselor appointment immediately and start to do the work.
>I’m 99% sure there’s nothing else she’s lying about, and I can’t bring myself to be genuinely mad at her. I certainly don’t want to break up my family over this. But I just don’t know how to move forward and look at her the same way. How do I trust her after this?
IMO you’d be WELL within your rights to divorce her on the spot, with cause. To me that’s a massive betrayal of trust and an unforgivably manipulative way to begin a relationship.
But you’re not me, and from your post, you’re not really mad at her, and you do still trust her. You shouldn’t feel obligated to be angry with her if that’s just not what you’re feeling. If you want to forgive her, forgive her.
No advice because what the fuck, but I gotta know what book you’re talking about
Yikes, I would take a best over this. Completely manipulative behavior. Even if she hasn’t done anything since, your relationship started on an extreme lie and manipulation. NTA
So she planted a seed.
A seed that kept her, on your mind. For months.
Then lied further by “having an abortion” and creating this trauma bond between you two.
Now your married with a kid and the Pickett fence dream.
That’s some fucking hard core manipulation on her end.
As a married woman and mother to 3. I do not say this lightly. But she’s fucking trash. You claim you think she’s not lying but honestly, how do you know? You don’t.
I’ed leave personally. This is definitely worthy of divorce. Or at least separation and figure your mental health out and how to proceed.
Trust is broken and your relationship is dead. You just need to wake up.
ETA: I suggest you post the marriage sub.
And how did that book y’all read turn out?
Wow. This is the kind of lie that can make you never look at someone the same way again
I suggest couples therapy immediately because her sneakiness and deception were so extreme. It’s dirty, in fact
Eh. Her manipulation is disgusting. I’m sorry this happened to you.
I would talk with a third party to help process the situation.
What she did was extremely shitty and highly manipulative, but you seem to trust her. Idk I would be weary of her.
Ultimately, it’s your choice. I hope she acted ashamed and willing to help guide your relationship back to what it was….if yall can.
Look, she lied and you went thru and abortion she didn’t.
You also say everyone you dated wasn’t her and she panicked thinking you were lost to her.
So, if you aren’t mad, and even feel it was done as a psychotic love gesture to keep you, feel that.
Cause I’m the end you wanted to be with her and SHE obviously wanted to be with you.
That’s something crazy to lie about. Like one would have to be capable of lying to that extent, and it would make me uncomfortable being with someone like that
That’s a total mindfuck and I cannot believe that you have to deal with this. So sorry man.
Dannnngg. I honestly don’t know how you get past that.
Did she happen to choose the book you guys decided to read together?
This is the sort of thing couples therapy is perfect for.
Your feelings are completely reasonable and so are your concerns. It is absolutely reasonable for you two to continue talking about this and exploring the consequences of this.
People will tell you that once trust is gone a relationship is dead – and that is true in general, but if she’s willing to put the work in with you, trust is something that can grow again, and you two could end up solid as a rock again.
I also suggest watching Brene Brown’s show on Netflix called The Call to Courage. It might help open up for you how to talk to her about this, and encourage her to be truly vulnerable with you in order to allow you to look for trust again with her.
Oh this is not good.