I’m 18F trying to figure out dating but this shit is frustrating
So we all know there’s been an insane amount of dating content from both men and women, some say “don’t go on coffee date, have him take you somewhere expensive so you can see how much he’ll invest in you” then I hear, “the amount of money a man spends means nothing because this can be a manipulation tactic he uses to bring you in”. Oh and don’t forget the “don’t settle for anything less than a man who will provide in every way. His money is our money and your money is yours” but then I hear “build with a man, go 50/50 because in this economy it’s rare a man will provide fully” And tbh, I AM LOST! Like I want to be provided for fully, I want to be taken care of and protected by my boyfriend / husband. I do want to be taken to nice places but I’m confused. Is coffee not a good date? I get it’s “low effort” but I want to get to know them. I feel like I have low self worth if I accept that date but I really just want to get to know them. But then I’m scared if I accept an expensive date, he’ll feel like I owe him something which could put my life in danger. This whole dating thing is fucked.
I honestly want thoughtful dates and gifts. If we talk and I say “oh I love learning new recipes” take me to a cooking class for a date, not something “expensive” or “low effort” because the “relationship gurus” tell you. I’m so sick of feeling like I have to listen to peoples advice or I have to conform to one thing. I want a provider that is thoughtful, I don’t want to feel like I’m being paid for with expensive dates and handbags and that shouldn’t make me “low effort” or a “pickmesha”.
Nothing is genuine anymore and people are just focused on a transactional relationship. Not comparability, or genuine love. You can have standards of course but don’t forget you actually have to like each other and if the one thing you compromise on is “actually liking and being in love with the person” for expensive things or transactional superficial things then you shouldn’t label it something it’s not.
3 comments
The problem isn’t dating on it’s own. It’s that “relationship gurus” or “dating coaches/experts” exist in the first place. There’ no class or test or qualifications you need to call yourself these things. You can just start doing so and all of a sudden your **opinion** on dating holds weight.
Remember at the end of the day it’s just a bunch of random ppl giving you their opinions. I tell everyone to block out what you hear the coaches say. Instead, listen to yourself and what you want for a relationship and go out and find someone who will give it to you.
“I want to be provided for fully”
“I don’t want to feel like I’m being paid for with expensive dates and handbags”
My personal opinion is that a relationship is a team effort. You put in as much as you are willing to commit to the relationship. If you don’t put anything in, you aren’t committed. Why would any man that respects himself want a woman who will leave at the first opportunity for someone who provides more? If you find a man who doesn’t care if you are committed and show it with actions, then I’ll show you a man with little self-respect. If they don’t care if you’re committed, then they don’t really care about you so much as your presence or they think that the best partner they can get is one they will have to foster and nurture the relationship all on their own (which it doesn’t work like that). I’m not saying you have to go halfsies on everything. Just pull your own weight is all.
Also, don’t think too much about what certain dates mean. “Coffee dates are low effort” reeks of entitlement. Why should a man you haven’t met have to put in a ton of effort to produce some elaborate date for you? That’s like when a company asks for an applicant to write a ten page paper for the chance at being interviewed. Not worth it for him unless you’re really the creme of the crop and that’s something he wouldn’t know anyway so his guess would be you aren’t since most people aren’t. Anyway, the practice of thinking about dates in such a way isn’t helpful for your goal. If you’re constantly analyzing how he isn’t doing enough or spending enough or saying the right things, then you will always find something to be mad or sad or anxious about. News flash: nobody is perfect and nobody holds all the exact same opinions as you.
Your approach should simply be this. If a guy asks you on a date, think to yourself “does this sound like fun to me?”. If not, find out what makes it not fun for you and propose a change (if it’s the person that makes it not fun then the obvious answer to any date with them is no). If it sounds fun, then say yes. Then after your fun date happens you shouldn’t think about everything that happened and pick it apart looking for all the worst possible meanings of things. Simply take it as it was. If it didn’t turn out as fun as you thought, maybe try something different next time.
And most importantly, communicate. Most people can’t read your mind