In Dire Need of How to Leave Someone.

Hi all.
I am 20F and the person I am struggling with is 23M. Him and I have been currently dating for 9 months, and once dated back when we were in high school. We became reunited when I lost one of my closest friends to fentanyl, who we had both known mutually.. We grieved alongside one another until it eventually led into a relationship.

As of right now, I am enrolled in my third year of college and he is not in any form of schooling. He has lived with his parents his entire life, never been able to keep a job, and never had a car or a personal checking account until I pushed him into getting one a few months ago. I empathized with his situation because I believed his environment was simply a product of his awful home life and lack of a proper support system. I am familiar with having absent family members myself, so I gave him a chance to fix his shortcomings.

I gave this person a place to live 4 hours away from his original home, attempted to set down boundaries as to what I expected if he stayed with me, but nothing seemed to progress rather than when I pleaded or threatened the relationship for it. This situation escalated into several fights in which I would state “You are a bum” etc etc., but I would always end up latching back onto what is comfortable and familiar. I do not have many friends or individuals I align myself with at this school, so even if I was spending my time on someone who wasn’t the best, it was at least a person that seemed to care, right?

Well, no. As of last Thursday, we get in yet another argument that results in him putting his hands on me and the police becoming involved. He had to get all of his belongings removed from my residence, where mind you, I have three other roommates that also provided him the opportunity of living in their personal space. I am currently humiliated they had to witness this, but that is a conversation to be saved for another time.

As of right now, my family is urging me to leave this person. They think that he will never become much of anything, regardless of what occurred last week. They believe that a person that unleashes this harm unto another person should be unforgivably dead to me. However, it seems my attachment issues are not allowing me to make the final step to just block him.

To make matters worse, I currently am under the impression I may be pregnant with his child, because… Yknow. I am on birth control, but the onset of my menstrual cycle is incredibly late. I am lost in navigating how to properly stand up for myself. He claims he is going to try and make things right.. By finally “getting a life”, and that he never meant to hurt me, and it was just a blur of the moment. Our relationship consisted of a LOT of great moments, but it always seemed to be me tugging him on a leash.. Not him standing up on his own two feet and taking the steps himself. I would make excuses in my head that he has never filled these shoes before, and to have grace and be forgiving in moments where I seemed to be on the edge of giving it all up.

I am struggling because I want to do what is best for myself, but it seems my biggest downfall is staying with what seems the easiest. It is hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I will find better, when the majority of the time I do not feel worthy of love.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Godsend to you all.