My wife cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship and after a kid and getting married I’ve only just found out by going through an old email account. She slept with her boss multiple times and didn’t tell me until I found out 7 year later. I feel tricked because had I known the information when it happened I wouldn’t be here today. But she has changed over the time and she really isn’t the person she once was. But damn I hurt. I’m quite lost here.
Has anyone come back from this?
Is it doomed to try?
I don’t want to just up and leave our family and I do care. I’m just stuck and don’t know where to go from here
Tl:Dr wife cheated on me long ago. I know she’s changed but it still hurts
* ***A little update and backstory for you all.*** *
I’m very thankful to the people that took the time to send advice and share story’s. In making this post I knew there would be many people who just wanted to be angry. But I knew there would be some as well that truly wanted to share advice
But there has been some really helpful comments and I thank you for taking the time to help.
We have been really working on our marriage over the past 6 months. Hell before that she didn’t know if she wanted to be with me anymore. So I hit everything hard. Trying to show and prove to her that I truly wanted to be with her.
We both have been seeing therapists on our own since then. Growing together and enjoying each other’s time. Our relationship has been rocky over times in the past 9 years, but these past 6 months have been the best times of my life. I’ve seen how good it can be. It’s the only reason I haven’t walked out after finding out.
I do think people can change. We were kids back then. All we cared about was partying, we had nothing back then. We barely knew each other. Our relationship wasn’t what it is today
we were Completely different than we are today. I have absolutely no doubt that she is not the same person she was back then.
She’s devistated. We both struggle with mental health problems and this has crushed her. I do think she’s remorseful and so very upset at what’s happened and we’re going to take it day by day. Work on it through therapy and hopefully be able to get over it.
She doesn’t work there hasn’t for 6 years
Of course this is fucking hard for me. Yes It makes me wonder if my kid is mine. Yes it hurts like hell. Yes it’s all true so to those of you who think I’m doing this as a lie or to get karma, all I can say is grow up. People come to this forum for advice and help. These are people lives your messing with.
49 comments
When you say she changed—really? 7 years ago, she concealed an affair. Two weeks ago, she was still concealing an affair. The sex ended but the lying didn’t.
Buddy I have no idea howbyou ever make it back. Even if I stayed I’d be done trying
She didn’t change. She kept up her lie until you found out through your own research.
She only cares as much as she can until it would potentially affect the comfort you provide for her in the relationship.
Relationships only survive infidelity through significant effort from both parties. If the trust is restored, which is *RARE*, it’s never the same as before.
Don’t let her make you feel as if this isn’t a big deal because of how long ago the betrayal took place. For you, it may as well have happened yesterday.
She looked you in your face and lied for years .
Is the kid even yours?
If you go by the people who ask this question about an old cheating incident and whether the relationship can survive it, the answer is often “No it can’t long term”.
What often seems to happen is that when kids are involved, the marriage devolves into one of co-parenting only where both parents end up as little more than roommates. It happens and you’d be surprised how many people seem to settle into this as an alternative to divorcing. You sort of live your own lives, share little of your personal day to day outside of the family dynamic and just sort of co-exist.
Finding that the foundation of what you thought was your life was all built on a lie, and especially a lie that continued daily for so long, is the killer to any relationship. You’ll find over time that there will be little to no trust in her, and after a while even that will get old and that you’ll just stop trying to be the “relationship cop”. You’ll reach a place where you simply don’t care what she does and who she does it with. Your mind set will be “as long as she doesn’t do with me and it doesn’t affect the kids, I don’t give a fuck”.
It’s just the way these things seem to go unfortunately.
But look, if she is really remorseful and sorry that you are hurt and wants to work on things, you can use that to your advantage to keep things amicable. You’ll know yourself you are staying not for her but for your kids and you actions and attitudes will slowly change so that she is nothing more than a roommate and a co-parent. Sex will fall away (you’ll probably be too disgusted to ever touch her again) and she’ll most likely just accept that this is how it will be.
You both will settle into your routines but that fundamental trust and affection that you had for her (and yes, I do mean “had”) will be gone and will be replaced by something a little bit colder and a little more standoffish.
As I said, we see these sort of situations in here and other subs all the time and this is often what happens when you find you want to stay for the kids.
If it were me op, I would print it all out. And say, let me know how we should handle this? Sit and don’t say a word. Let her spill it all, and cry and beg. Then just say, I need to think about what I am going to do.
Happen to me recently, i luckily found out a month after it happen.. were separated working on our selves. Pretty much finna do my own thing no lie. I feel taken advantage of ain’t no I’m gonna let her just get away with it while i drown in sorrow
Bro, let this sink in. She has been lying for 7 years. She hasn’t changed.
INFO: what makes you say she has changed over time? Can you give us a tangible example?
Have you confronted her yet with the evidence?
There’s no coming back from this. She is a cheater and still remains a liar to your face. You would have never known the truth if it wasn’t for the messages. She would have taken her lies and deception to her grave. You’re probably going to need a paternity test. Up to you on that one.
This is just the affair you found out about. A real possibility that this was not the only one. Get a paternity test ASAP
To be honest, you can come back from this and she can’t. Divorce her and forget about her, get off your ass and get in the gym, take care of yourself, and heal. In a year or two you can reset the whole game by just grabbing a woman 10 years her junior and you won’t think about her one bit.
You cannot stay with her after she has cheated, sorry but it’s over. You can still upgrade to a younger hotter woman and literally restart an entire relationship and not be as effected as she is, and you should take every opportunity to go do so
She didn’t cheat on you a long time ago. It was now since that is when you found out. Just because it was 7 years ago doesn’t make it hurt any less. Actually, it’s worse since you have been living a lie.
Lawyer up first, if nothing else, then to get your options.
DNA test any children.
Make an informed decision and stick with it. Coming back from cheating is so hard because the trust is gone.
These are only the ones you have uncovered, how do you know there aren’t others?
Making TRUE amends means never repeating the bad behavior. In a 12 step program, it states to make amends except when it will seriously hurt the person. Meaning, if you messed around on your SO, your amends would be to never do it again.
Not telling them is because of the genuine hurt it would cause. Changed behavior matters, not apologies. Too many people do not know how to forgive. The behavior is not condoned. What she did was wrong. But forgiving her will free you.
Leaving is up to you. If she did change, I would think long and hard about it. Not many people can correct bad behavior. Good luck.
You gotta find out what else she’s hiding. What a huge thing to hide. There is definitely more in that trunk.
Does she still work for that company?
Leave
Don’t to sound mean but take my advice get Divorce and MUST Paternity Test… to see whether or not if the child is yours? I understand you are going through difficult times… do it what is right… Your excuse cheating wife has lie to you!!!!
First of all are the kid ever yours ? And she “changed” , really ? Elaborate she change now
Updateme!
What would you advise your kid to do, if this happened to them?
Did she really change or just got better at not getting caught?
Could you ever not resent her now that you know this information?
Is the kid even yours?Cheaters who get away with it often dont stop the bad behavior since they have never seen repercussions for the bad behavior.
She has looked you in the eyes and lied every day for years you cant trust someone like that.
You should meet her boss. From what I gather you have a false sense of security by saying she has changed and she is obviously in the same job with her boss who fucked her multiple times while youse where together and is possibly the father of her child that you think is yours
the only thing changed was the boss was done with her.
Listen. You cannot go back in time to a time where you knew her as a faithful wife. In your present, you know her as a cheater. In the future she could be just a Baby momma. IMO, it is doomed. The trust is gone and severed.
Get a paternity test firstly, then secondly a lawyer to make sure she does not fleece you and get rewarded for her betrayal in the divorce.
Omission is still a lie, guys. Come on.
When I was about 3 years into my marriage, my wife told me that she had slept with a close friend of mine almost immediately after we got together. A few days later, I told her that I was struggling to reconcile that information with the narrative I’d built of our relationship and she essentially told me that it was my problem to figure out or else we were going to get divorced. She basically chucked a bomb over the fence at me and walked away.
It took me about a year to deal with that, and the story I told myself was that… sure, she’d cheated on me in the past, btenut I had no reason to believe that she’d done it since then. Besides, we had two kids together, and it was best for me to forgive and move on.
Then, 9 years into our marriage, I caught her having an online affair with some guy. She didn’t really do anything to win back my trust; I had to work on that myself. The narrative changed again… sure, she cheated on me immediately after we got together… and sure, she cheated on me years later with a stranger on the internet… but we’ve got four kids together, and it’s best for me to forgive and move on.
Then 11 years into our marriage, I caught her having a physical affair with another guy she met online. We’re getting divorced now.
And, a couple months ago, she told me a story about a job she’d worked at when she was younger… and how she’d gone on a lunch-date with her supervisor. I realized by the timeline and details that she this was while she was still engaged to her ex-husband. One of the *only* things I knew about this guy was that he was, by her account, irrationally paranoid that she was cheating on him.
People change over time, but change and growth aren’t the same thing. Sometimes, they just get better at lying, cheating, and manipulating. Whether you want to stay is up to you… but make sure that she’s *actually* changed and you aren’t just hoping that’s the case. Mending trust is a collaborative process; and while it’s possible for you to work your way into trusting her again… it’s also possible to extend trust that wasn’t earned or deserved. I promise you, if you do that, you’re just kicking the can down the road.
Go through her phone … if she lets you.. she’s changed… if she doesn’t let you, she’s still cheating behind your back.
There was a post a day or two ago where a guy cheated on his gf for no reason like 5 years ago because he was bored while she went out of town. The guilt is now eating at him and he asked Reddit if he should tell her even though he hasn’t done anything since and they currently have the perfect relationship. Well the comments flamed him so bad that he deleted his post. I commented that he needs to come clean and let her decide what she wants to do because the past 5 years have been a lie.
It took you 7 years to find out how do you know she hasn’t cheated since? Couples therapy may help the communication and navigate on how to address this issue and get past it but honestly, I don’t think you’ll be able to get over it. Eventually you will break because you will never trust her again. You should confront her though with evidence and watch her reaction. Update if you can, good luck.
She hid it for years. And in fact if you haven’t confronted her about it , she is still lying to your face as you read this.
So no she hasn’t changed.
You need to do what is best for your child, and for your mental and emotional health.
That might be getting marriage counselling, and putting down some boundaries etc so that she can work on rebuilding the trust that she destroyed.
Or it might be getting divorced, and only talking to her about your child.
You are the only one who can decide that.
But first you need to make sure you are aware of all your options, get everything ready to help you make your decision, then confront her and see if she tells you the truth. Because even if you decide to stay now, you might change (should change) your mind if she denies it and continues to lie to you.
And I hate to be the one to point this out to you, but if she did it with her boss 7 years ago, chances are she has done it with other people after that, so when you confront her, you need to get her to tell you how many others has she cheated with.
Some people are able to get through cheating but the fact she never confessed to you is quite telling. You’ve already said if you had known the relationship would have been over then. You need to really think through what you need to do. I know for myself, I’d never be able to trust my girlfriend again if she cheated on me, no matter how much making up she tried to do. It’s more tricky for you since you’re married and have kids but you need to do what’s best for you in this situation.
Get STD test yourself man and DNA test your children .. you are used by both (wife & her lover “ap”).. she played u very well .. her boss used/using her and your wife used/using u . Get help for yourself man .this is not normal..
Doomed. You’ll never get these thoughts out of your mind. It’ll be with you forever. You will literally think about this every single day. It will consume you unfortunately.
Gray rock her in house…wait and see. Do not respond unless it’s about the kids.
If you stay with a cheater, after YOU found out about the cheating, you just lack self respect as a human being.
Get paternity test, get a divorce. No need to stay with a street meat.
Once cheater , always cheater. She probably has other cheating stories you will never know. Trust is gone . You are young , take your sht and leave .
You can never trust %100 again
“My wife cheated on me and she’s devastated”
Idk man, I think she’s just bummed you found out. Maybe coparenting is your best option, seems like torture to be with a cheater. It’s not like she was so emotionally distraught that she came clean, you found her out and NOW she’s inconsolable. I don’t know y’all so she may be actually repentant, but from what you’ve said, interpreting the situation as “she’s only upset that you found out” is reasonable
Dump her, she is still cheating on you, you have just found one of many.
She’s a cheater, and a liar for hiding it from you until now, and you had to discovered it yourself. How has she actually changed between then and now?
Trust is never given, it’s earned. You’re a better man than me OP. I couldn’t do it.. Nope…..couldn’t…..These are the types of events that push people over the edge.
Not trying to be rude but I do think you need to man up a little. People do change but not as much as we think. She did you pretty bad and it seems like as if you are the one proving yourself to her and not the other way around. Im sorry dude but you dont seem to be that masculine and women like masculine men, go to the gym, get in shape, get your money up, stop trying to prove yoursef to her, focus on yourself and for the love of god dont be afraid to lose her. If it comes to that then so be it. You are young you can date someone else but dude man up.
It’s not over, you yourself said “she’s not the same person now that she was”.
You’re not responsible for her past actions, however you are responsible for working on yourself and how you feel now and moving forward.
Regardless of what random single guys say, you can decide how to move forward from here.
I highly recommend a podcast called “the powerful man” – they cover topics like this regularly from a place of grounded masculinity.
If you’re committed to making it work, you need to be willing to ask some seriously hard questions and demand truthful answers.
I would probably start by challenging her on her remorse statements by asking why she wouldn’t come clean with you when she had many, many opportunities to do so? Remorse isn’t shame. It’s not regret. It’s the acceptance of having wronged someone, acknowledgement of how they were affected by their actions, and a willingness to be accountable for their wrong and change their behavior going forward. Hiding an affair has a logical basis in that she didn’t want to lose her relationship with you, but it also demonstrates a lack of accountability or care for the effect her affair and concealment had on you. She essentially did this for self-preservation and not because she wanted to right a wrong from her past, so I would want to know if she’s more concerned about how this makes me feel or if it’s about her not wanting to confront and accept what she did to me.
I would also want to know how much of her efforts over the past years were due to guilt/shame or love. In other words, had she not cheated on me, would she have made the same efforts to fix our relationship during the times it became rocky? Or did she do it because she would have felt even more guilty for cutting and running knowing that she hurt me? Or was it to preserve her reputation among family and friends?
I would definitely want to know my child’s parentage as well. I know it would effect my personal relationship with that child, but even if it doesn’t, I would want to know if my child has any genetic health conditions I need to be aware of. I would also insist my WW sue the father for past child support, both to generate hostility between them and to be reimbursed for medical expenses, school expenses, and the like spent for the child. I would put all that money into a college fund for them so that they can benefit in some way from this whole mess.
Lastly, I would want to ask the toughest question of all – how can I trust you going forward? Your word is worthless now. You betrayed me, lied about it, and possibly made me raise a child that is not of my blood. What can you do to repair my trust in you? Are you going to be the same totally uncompromising person going forward? Are you going to seek further therapy? Are you going to take your medications in front of me every day? Are you going to practice disengaging with flirtatious/sexually aggressive people as part of your individual counseling and our couple’s counseling? Are you willing to be completely transparent with me moving forward? Are you going to let go of the personal gripes and annoyances you have with my behavior and agree to speak to me, either personally or in counseling, about major issues in our relationship going forward? Are you willing to work with me to solve problems instead of blaming me for their existence in the first place? Are you willing to accept full responsibility for your cheating and lying to me about it? Do you recognize or care about my feelings regarding your affair? Are you willing to listen to me when I need to talk about them and support me, whether I need to talk tomorrow or 50 years from now? Can you put aside your ego to help me move forward? Can you be the woman I deserve to spend the rest of my life with?
I would personally write all of these questions and more down and have a long talk with her about them. I would give her the list and ask her to think it through. I would the propose a trial separation in order to give both of us the time to think things through, and for her to start showing her efforts to re-establish some form of trust with her. I would stress that I can’t take her word, so I can only start to trust her again if I see her putting in the effort. I would also focus on envisioning what a successful R looks like from my standpoint and what it would take for me to get to that point.
It’s a rough road ahead for both of you, so tread carefully.
Have some respect for yourself.