My gf recently ended things because she thought I was talking to someone else, but I wasn’t.
A girl I went on a date with before I even met my current gf, decided to text me one day out of the blue and ask when I was free. My gf had my phone at the time, and saw the text and thinks I have been talking to other women behind her back. Because of past relationship trauma with cheating, she ended things because she doesn’t want to go through it again.
We haven’t been together very long, but I’ve been 100% faithful the entire time. No dating apps, no texting, no seeing other girls, no flirting with anyone, no strip clubs, everything. She even has my location on the find my friends app. I made my case and explained how I’ve been 100% faithful and nothing to hide, but she says now she’s always going to have doubts in the back of her mind and can’t mentally deal with it. I know it’s a bad look but I explained in detail how much she means to me and how I would never betray her like that.
It’s killing me because I lost a girl I really cared about because of something I could not control. I made my case but it doesn’t seem like she is comfortable going forward now.
What should I do?
30 comments
Nothing you can really do besides send her one last phone call or text saying listen I’m telling you what it is, the truth, and your feelings for her. Tel her how you wouldn’t jeopardize anything. Also recognize and understand what she went thru in the past. But also at the end conclude if you can’t get past this incident I understand and must let you go. But it’s a mistake.
You can’t press her and force her and definitely don’t beg. Also, be weary that if she does take you back you’re going to risk her having trust issues already. This is all very unfair to you and I’m sorry for you. People get really damaged from relationships.
Nothing you can do. Sadly she’s lost all trust and once the trust is lost, it’s over.
From my personal experience, there isn’t anything you can say or do once someone with these kind of insecurities is convinced you are being unfaithful, whether it’s true or not.
It was just very unfortunate timing from the other person to send that when they did and your gf saw it, so there is no way she will be convinced otherwise.
Bro imagine being with her for 2 years and she pull this redonculous shit leave the crazy woman alone that is toxic from her side
“girls are going to text me… nothing I can do about that. Men are going to try to flirt with you… nothing you can do about that, and I’m not going to allow myself to get jealous over something I shouldn’t”
You really want to stay away from people like this. Having to go out of your way, to walk on eggshells 100% of the time fearing that the smallest misunderstanding can set her off – that’s a hell of a life.
To me this is a red flag that is so severe I have ended young relationships on accusation (less than 6 months). Trust issues are only bring undeserved negativity and pain. Get out!
She did you a favor man. If it were me, I’d hand her my phone and say “look at it and tell me that’s what was happening.”
But unless you could prove in the moment she was wrong, I’d say nothing you can do or say now. She will never trust you. And women are usually wiping their hands and moving on fast.
Man. Unfortunately she missed out on a great guy. Hopefully she takes responsibility for her insecurities.
>I lost a girl I really cared about because of something I could not control
You could have controlled it if you didn’t leave the door open for exes and old fuck buddies. Go no contact and block people or else stuff like this can happen and affect future relationships
If she was looking for a reason to leave, she made one.
Everyone knows you can’t blame future people for your past
Honestly you might have dodged a bullet. A logical person would simply ask and you give your explanation and if there is no further proof they can see of you cheating they have to let it go. You guys barely got into your relationship and she is already pulling this card? Her insecurities are not your problem, especially if she won’t even try to work on them with you. It’s her way or the highway and that’s unacceptable.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It sounds like she’s so afraid of being cheated on that even if she believes you, she can’t get these thoughts out of her mind. This might damage her ability to be in relationships unless time heals this wound or she goes for therapy. At this point, the only thing you can do is tell her that you empathize with her pain despite the fact that you never cheated or had any inappropriate contact or communication with other women. Tell her that you’re leaving the door open for her to return because you still love her and it hurts to be away from her. If she does come back, it might be a good idea for her to get therapy otherwise the problem will probably come up again.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet if she is THAT insecure
It is important to be long
Damn. This is just unfortunate. It’s just such bad timing to have that text show up while she has the phone.
Think about it this way. If a text like that popped up on her phone while you had it, what would you think? Sometimes it’s not about being insecure. This is just bad timing and a person wanting to protect themselves from being hurt. It’s not hard to understand.
One option is having the other girl explain the situation to her. We don’t cover for guys nearly as much as guys will cover for us. If that doesn’t work, there isn’t much else you could do.
It was an excuse to break up w you. She knew you weren’t. Move on.
Trust is the foundation of any relationship. If you’ve been honest and transparent, but she still can’t trust you, it might be best to move on.
You don’t mention how you responded to that text from your ex and that’s important. Did you respond by telling her when you were free? Or did you respond by telling her you were seeing someone? That’s an important detail to leave out
M35 here who unfortunately also has been the victim of several cheating and unfaithful women. Gonna be straight, OP: For as much as “trauma with cheating”, as you called it, is a thing, it still is the responsibility of the “traumatised” person to deal with said trauma.
See, I know from personal experience that it takes a lot of work to regain trust in people after being hurt by unfaithful, deceptive people. Still it always was up to me to put in the hard work and nobody else could ever really “help” me in this matter. I am better today because I take full accountability for my choices and actions. This girl you mentioned does not – cause if she would, she´d not behave that way, **choosing** to not trust you. I mean you made your case, she has all the proof that you did not mess with her, and she still tosses you based on mere hypotheticals. That´s on her man, so stop beating yourself up over a matter she causes.
That said, here is some advice on how to approach this: Stop chasing her and stop reasoning – for the simple reason that none of that builds any attraction. Rationalising also won´t work cause you made your case, and she made her decision based on her feelings. So if you want her feelings to change in a positive way, she needs space – let alone for the fact that she will not miss you if you keep chasing her even though she wants space now. You´ll just come over as clingy. Next to that, not giving her space translates as you stealing any opportunity for her to do proper introspective work. She needs to deal with her trauma and that has to come from within. Why would you sabotage yourself by staying in the picture, not allowing her to be on her own and hence having to confront herself and her issues?
Your approach should be this: “Hey X, I have proven to you that I did not cheat on you. I get that you are dealing with cheating-related trauma and I also respect your decision to not see me again based on hypotheticals you are dealing with in your head. Should that change in the future and should you have dealt with your issues, being ready to see me again, give me a call.”
Then you turn around and don´t look back. This way you create space for her, showing both that you are a trustworthy guy who is centered enough to leave her alone when she wants to be alone as well as you give her a proper chance to reflect upon the entire situation, her trauma and the way she behaves. Also that “void” you leave is necessary for her to actually miss you – if you keep trying to convince her and keep bombarding her with texts, calls or whatever, she will just get annoyed. If she should reflect and come to the realisation that you have nothing to do with the pain caused to her by other guys, she most likely will reach out at that point in time. If she does not, she simply did not do the necessary introspective work, which means she still won´t be truly ready to date you and consequently you´ll end up in the same shit dynamics again. So both ways, you win.
Understand this: Women, generally speaking, are driven by how they **feel**, not by the facts you throw at them. The reason she does not want to see you is because she **feels** her past trauma again. Rationalising does not evoke feelings – still this is what you do. I quote: “(…) but I explained in detail how much she means to me and how I would never betray her(…)”
tough spot to be in, but neither one of y’all is wrong
time to move on
I would say time is your best friend. If she’s been betrayed before this def would flare up some questionable things in a whole new relationship. Give her time to let her breath and be patient if you truly care about her. If it’s not meant to be right now then wait and see if later on in the future could be a better time for you guys. Hope this helps and stay positive <3
Its prob too late now but if I were you, I would’ve texted that girl back something along the lines of “hey! Surprised you’re looking me up now, why are you reaching out after all this time?” If you’re telling the truth she’ll give you a reason, if not she’ll be like “what are you talking about? I saw you last week lol”. That way you’ll have proof you haven’t talked to her since before your gf
Bro, life’s too short to spend it on girls who won’t take your word for it. If she thinks you’re trying to set up a harem, maybe it’s time to actually start one? Just kidding, of course! But seriously, find yourself someone who values your honesty and loyalty, not checking your phone. After all, a true alpha male knows his worth! 😉
My question is did you reply the girl back? If not you can explain that u never reply her text
Can’t you just download your call/text history from your cell phone provider?
If you’re being honest, that should prove the last time you had any contact with that girl’s number.
I guess it’s probably just another can of worms opening up though.
This is like driving to a destination. You’ll be there eventually. Random girl texting you was just nitro you picked up, speeding up the process. Trust issues come out sooner or later, rather now, you’re not deep in it
Unfortunately she had to heal from her past trauma, not get over it but actually heal because she will always be worried or insecure about women until she does so. If her mind is already made up, 9/10 even if y’all get back together it’ll be hell since you’re tying to prove yourself and she’s trying to find something.
Just to put my two cents in here – this EXACT same thing happened with me after about 8 months in a relationship – we ended up sorting it out and were together for three and a half years… then SHE cheated on me… just leave it man. Not worth it.