I met this guy (Jim) exactly 4 weeks ago. Since then there’s been 1 singular day that I didn’t see him, every other day I spent with him and I kind of moved in with him and his family. At first it was just fun because his family was away, then a war started in our country and I didn’t want to be alone.
Terrorists came into a rave and slaughtered over 260 innocent people. His best friend was at that party. He didn’t hear from him and for the past 2.5 weeks has been consumed with what happened to his friend. I feel like I know him because of all the amazing things I’ve been told. I believed wholeheartedly and told Jim all the time that he was “only” held hostage with the terrorists and would come home eventually. Yes, he’d be a different person but he will come home. I kept repeating it to try and console him.
Yesterday morning, Jim and I went over our plans for the evening, he kissed me goodbye and at 7:30 went to work and I went back to sleep. I was awoken at around noon to a horrible sound. I look up and Jim is in the doorway and (I can’t see shit without my glasses, so I didn’t see his face) asked “what are you doing here?” He just kept crying “he was murdered.” I just held him and asked what he needed or wanted from me. I don’t know what else I can do.
I tell him whatever he needs or wants I’ll do. To just be here, to leave so he can be alone, to listen to him talk about him, to make him food, anything. Right now he’s at the funeral alone because he didn’t want me to come, so I cleaned his room and bathroom. Now I’m just sitting on his bed waiting. I hate feeling so helpless and seeing this person I really care about who treats me so well go through the worst thing he’s ever had to go through.
I also hate how I feel. I hate that I’m thinking “what about ME, what can III do, when is he going to be back to somewhat normal and pay attention to ME??” It’s sick and twisted and I hate it. I hate seeing him talk to other girls and be on the phone with them (we’re not exclusive, I talk to other guys but not otp and not all day every day) but I also know I’m the one here and the one holding him when he cries. But I still hate myself for feeling a little selfish and wanting his pain to go away not just for him but for me.
I need advice. What can I do? IS THERE anything I can do? Or will I just have to be present and listen to what he needs and wants? And try not to get offended if he doesn’t want me around?
3 comments
“I also hate how I feel. I hate that I’m thinking “what about ME, what can III do, when is he going to be back to somewhat normal and pay attention to ME??”
I somehow doubt that you are the only person on earth who didn’t have “stray’ thoughts like that when somebody is grieving….BUT what is important is how those thoughts makes you feel. You expressed that you think “it’s sick and twisted and you hate it”.
To that, I say “good”. IF you had those thoughts and embraced them…..then I would be disturbed about you. As much as you can, whenever those stray thoughts come to mind encourage yourself that they really aren’t “you”.
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As for not being offended when he doesn’t want you around? Try to distract yourself with other things, even things that aren’t about him. The more you dwell on the knowledge that he doesn’t want you around………the more likely you will become bitter. You also need to take a “breather” from this environment from time to time, because how far can you swim if you keep your head underwater the entire time?
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You’ve done well in being there for him. While it’s good that you are helping clean, he’s probably so deep in grief that he probably isn’t aware FULLY that it was done. I might suggest also making him a special cake.
It’s not about you right now. It’s about his healing. You’ve only known him for a month, don’t smother him. Let him grieve how he wants. Be there to comfort him, do him favors like cooking for him, and don’t push him to talk if he doesn’t want to.
As for talking to other people, there’s nothing you can do about it. Now is not the time to ask to be exclusive. If him talking to other girls is an issue, your first step should be cutting off all other guys you’re talking to. You can’t expect exclusivity if you don’t take the first steps. Once hes past the major grieving, you can worry about your exclusivity.
Clearly this is a traumatic event that’s been replicated where you are in countless ways. I can’t imagine what that’s like so up, close, and personal for you both. Are you being selfish? No. You are trying to navigate a fraught ongoing situation, and so is he. You are trying to help, and that shows you have a good heart. 1, be there for him if he needs it, give him distance if he needs it. 2, let his family know to stay in touch, that they will call you or you will call them if either of you need help, 3, schedule some time for you and your life. He may need help now but this can’t consume your life. 4, If imagine that there are some public grief counseling that is available. Support groups. And other psychological resources. I would see what’s available, organize it, and suggest to him and you to use these resources.