Throw away account.
My boyfriend was married before for 9 years. He was divorced a year before we got together. His ex-wife left him for another man after having many affairs with multiple men. We have been together for almost 3 years. He and I were also acquaintances for a couple of years before dating. When we first started dating, I asked him if he ever wanted to get married again, and he said he would if he met the right person. I asked fairly early on because not getting married is a deal-breaker for me, and I know a divorce might off-put someone to the idea of marriage.
We ended up moving in together very fast (2 months). He lived 2 hours away from me in a bigger city. I started looking for a job there since I’ve always wanted to move there, and my job at the time was a dead end. I almost instantly got a job that was triple my measly part-time salary. I wasn’t expecting to get something faster than a few months. So he insisted on moving in together. I was initially uncomfortable with it, but he was so insistent I decided why not since I was at his place every weekend anyway. I thought it would only be temporary, but we got along so well I ended up staying.
After about a year, I asked him how long he thought he would want to be dating before marriage since he had brought up having kids and that he wants a big wedding. He told me 6 years minimum in a relationship before getting married. I told him that the timeline didn’t work for me. I had a previous relationship where it dragged on for 7 years with no commitment. I have no intention of doing that again. I said I wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship longer than 4 years since I’m in my 30s, and he wants to have kids. I also believe that at this stage in our lives, if we are together that long and still unsure, we probably aren’t meant to be together.
About a month after this conversation, I told him I didn’t think it was going to work out with our different views on the issues. So, I packed up my things and left. He didn’t want me to go, but I insisted. Within a few weeks, he begged me to return and said he couldn’t imagine his life without me. He said he only had that timeline in his head because he was afraid to get married after his marriage ended so badly. He was very convincing, and I loved him, so I moved back in with him.
We have recently been to a few weddings of our mutual friends. So, we ended up talking about marriage. He now says he doesn’t know if he ever wants to get married. He said maybe someday he will, but he just doesn’t know. I clarified that I don’t want to marry him right now, but marriage is something I definitely want in my future. He said he can’t even say for sure that he wants marriage in general. He also made the comment that it depends on if it’s the right person. This comment kind of hurt me since we’ve been together 3 years, but he’s not always the best with expressing his thoughts clearly.
I’m torn right now if I want to wait until we hit the 4-year mark to see if he changes his mind or if I should leave now. He says that he loves me and says he’s never been happier. I just feel like he will never commit to a marriage with me because we live like we are married now, so he already has all the benefits without having to commit.
4 comments
He won’t marry you.
He’s told you he will to keep you hanging around hoping you’ll drop it.
If you want marriage before kids, he is not the man for you.
Decision time.
Four years in and he still doesn’t know if you are the “right person”? I think that you have your answer.
Of course he has never been happier because he is getting the benefits of marriage without the commitments. Men get content fast and reluctant to change. That is why, so often the longer a relationship goes the less likely it will end in marriage. I mean, we usually know within a year or so if we are with the right person, so the delay makes things harder. After so long, he can always use the “things are great, why change them?” argument.
Don’t want to sound rude, but your bio clock is ticking. You put 11 years into two relationships that went nowhere. Perhaps time to change your dating style and be a bit more aggressive about what you expect. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Unfortunately, the clock is ticking.
I think, if he won’t take action on a reasonable timeline, you should leave him and move on.
Make sure he understands the timeline you want and if he doesn’t meet it, leave him
I am divorced too. I understand his fear. Especially when a divorce is contentious, a person can become afraid of committing again legally.
You have a decision to make. He is unlikely to change his mind soon. He eventually might but that could be years from now.