My (31f) husband (34m) and I are together for 7 years and married for 5 years. I moved to another country to be with him and we are planning to have a kid next year. However I don’t feel safe because he keeps his finances a secret. I know how much he earns a month, but he does not want to tell me how much money in total he has on the bank account or how much debt he has. I feel like after 7 years and a future kid on the way, we should be planning our finances together. But gets super angry when I ask about it and he says its not my business. He does not want to know how much i have as well. I accuse him of not trusting me or to be doing shady things, otherwise why would he keep his expenses so secretive? But he says he just had too much pride and has the right to some privacy. He had a crazy jealous and controlling ex, and fears that I am the same, and wants to have his privacy. I just think we should act like a real family and do financial decisions together, i gave up too much in my country to be going through this situation. Important to say that he pays 70% of all our expenses, helps to cook and clean, buys me gifts and does not control what i do with my own salary, he even says he want to help me invest in my own business. But he has lot a lot of money in stocks and never told me the amount. I dont think this secrecy normal in long term marriages. I feel that maybe he thinks ill divorce and take half his money, or that maybe he is paying for girls on the side. How can I convince him to see me as an equal partner and actually respect me enough to plan finances together?
TLDR: husband keeps his finances a secret from me
19 comments
Not sure if there are cultural issues at play but I think you have every right to be concerned. I don’t get couples that keep their finances separate.
But his finances are your business if y’all are wanting a kid. I agree privacy to an extent is good—spouses don’t need to know everything—but he should be willing to accept a kid changes the dynamic.
You should 100% know how much debt he has, at the bare minimum. His debt is now your debt, and vice versa.
I would not be ok with his extreme level of privacy, and the only way i would be willing to go forward with the marriage/family is if he was 100% transparent, showed you proof, and then couples counseling
I would not be okay with this. Separate accounts is one thing (though that can lead to some issues if one partner ends up leaving their job to raise children — having to ask permission to access family funds or purchase anything for yourself creates a very unequal situation). But secrecy about assets is another, and not good.
I also would not have a child with someone if I thought they were secretly spending money on affair partners or if they trusted me so little that they thought I’d run off with their money.
It’s time to tell this man that *basic* financial transparency is a requirement of being co-parents.
Do not get pregnant with a person who will not extend you the trust of basic financial transparency. That isn’t safe.
He got away with being a husband without being honest. He is not entitled to be the father of a child with you, and keep treating you like a subordinate.
If he needs a couples counsellor to get involved to help him walk through this necessity if he wants to take the next step as parent, get a counsellor involved. But I would (and I did once) die on this hill. Having a baby is a major financial risk for a woman, for years if not decades. A man who is conciously trying to knock you up but won’t talk money with you, is not a safe co-parent.
> I feel that maybe he thinks ill divorce and take half his money,
Keeping assets a secret from your spouse doesn’t magically mean you get to keep all of them if you divorce. That’s kinda exactly why divorce lawyers exist. There is no world in which THEY wouldn’t learn the full picture of his finances even if you never did, and you’d be owed spousal/child support based on that.
Do NOT have a child with this person. You shouldn’t trust him if he can’t be transparent with you.
Make it a boundary that you will not be trying for a baby until you have a conversation about finances. And not just a conversation but a conversation with a financial planner or financial counselor. A marriage counselor would be a good idea too. Stay on top of your birth control until this happens. If kids are a deal breaker for you, and he won’t open up, it’s time to leave
Him saying he has “too much pride” to reveal his finances is worrisome. That’s like admitting his finances are not good and he’s too prideful too admit it.
You should absolutely be able to know how much debt he has…that can certainly affect you. He needs to get over his personal issues and realize reality and how this is unfair to you.
Definitely don’t have a kid if you don’t even know if it’s financially doable. Which you don’t if you don’t know his debt and/or savings picture.
There are some basics you both *need *to know…like debts & savings/retirement. Does he share this with you? Would he be open to having a discussion about both of your finances with a financial advisor?
I wonder about the crazy jealous and controlling ex. Which came first? His secretive behavior or her reaction? You can’t trust a partner who keeps secrets from you. And you shouldn’t have a child with a partner you can’t trust. The other thing is that you’re married and “his debt” isn’t necessarily his alone.
Please don’t have a baby with someone you don’t feel safe with. He’s being weird and secretive, and as long as that’s a problem for you, you shouldn’t have children together.
I feel differently. My husband has no idea about my finances and I have no idea about his. We know each other’s income and file taxes together We keep things separate. The only thing is all debts are disclosed as we do not want any surprises. We have 2 kids and a third on the way. We are equal partners, but prefer to keep our plans separately. It’s not a lack of respect but a different way of handling things. It’s also we are not going to agree on our plans nor our spending so it’s better to each have our own plans. Or perhaps it’s even more equal and respectful because we each trust each other to take care of ourselves, but still be there for each other were anything to happen.
You should also not have a child with him ….
My immediate thought was about how are you (or he) planning on buying a house? At that time, you literally have to disclose the salary, the debts and savings to the mortgage provider,
Or are you not planning to buy a property before having a child??
That would be the right time to get to know where you stand on the finances…. But as the things are, you are basically left clueless if you even can afford a mortgage or a house at all!
I would raise that as a point with him.. What would be his answer to this? How much could he afford for buying a house? (Make him buy a house for you haha)
There needs to be visibility as you can be made liable for his debts…
He either has a lot of money he is not happy to share or even disclose to someone who should be his other half, or he has lots of debt…
Controlling ex or not, it has been 7 years of marriage with you. You could still use him for half in court if you divorce him. You not knowing now won’t prevent that, so that point is mute.
My guess is. If he has too much debt he fears you will leave and take the child. Then he will aquire the debt of child support on top of it. I’m not saying that’s what you’ll do bit in America it happens more often than not.
Do not have a child with him until this is worked out. You said you went through too much moving countries for him to be this secretive with you. Which begs the question, how DID you move countries and marry this man before having the financial discussion? I will never understand people who get this far before asking these questions. I asked these with my ex-husband and he was great with money when we married. When we divorced 12 years later, I discovered $50k in credit card debt and an empty college fund for our son that had previously held a few thousand. I would normally have been responsible for half that debt in the divorce, but I negotiated down to $15k (which I still thought was too high but it was the best I could get) because he was the reckless spender who created that debt and I didn’t know about it.
I understand his fears of financial control, but transparency is not the same. Giving you access to view his investment accounts isn’t the same as giving you access to empty them. Letting you see his credit card statement doesn’t give you a card of your own to go charging up a storm. If he feels he can’t trust you with that information and it’s not just ghosts of girlfriends past, then you two have a major relationship problem that you need to solve before you even consider having kids.
Problem is, when you’re married, they’re your finances too.
It’s difficult to try to change a relationship 7 years in.
But would he feel comfortable moving forward with new financial goals together from this point forward as if you had a prenup, so anything before your relationship was separate? It’s hard to plan a life without having goals.
But you should also make an effort to look into what your responsibilities and protections would be if you got divorced. It doesn’t matter what you agree to if the law says otherwise.
There is nothing wrong with keeping finances separate. But you both need to be on the same page.
But most importantly, rely on your own eyes to see the truth. A liar will lie about everything. A responsible person will be responsible for anything. Is your husband a big talker and impulsive? Does he spend all his money coming in, or does he live modestly and can stretch his income to cover his monthly expenses easily with enough to save too.
The evidence of who he is is right in front of you. He maybe be hiding debt, but he also maybe be very rich. But does it matter when he is unwilling to share? Assume you are financially on your own and be sure you know the law. It’s the only thing that will protect you in the end
I was in a relationship with a man just like that for 8 years. Every month was a huge fight, but in addition to being secretive, he was also incredibly selfish. I will *NEVER* commit to a man who jealously guards his money like that again.