I’m coming to terms with the fact that although my boyfriend and I have sex maybe 2x a week, I will never get that kind of really passionate sex I want. He doesn’t drink anymore (sober) and I don’t think he knows how to let go anymore. I would love dirty talk but I know he gets nervous. I would love for him to grab me and pin me down, but he’s more of an ask for sex kind of guy.I’m not leaving him; but I think about better sex often. Just wondering if anyone is in similar situations and would love kinky fun sex but their partner is very vanilla.
32 comments
We in the same boat!
Same. I told him what I need but he is simply too kind and loving to hurt me. He does try but it’s simply not in his nature, which is what I love about him (outside of the bedroom) 😅 I find it best to lead him and hope my enthusiasm can push him over into something more
How long ago did he stop drinking? And why? Was it because he was drinking to excess? If so, then this might be exactly WHY he isn’t “letting go” any more.
If he was drinking a lot before – and you mentioning that as one of the first details you offer about him, makes me think that perhaps he WAS – then often when people get “on the wagon” as it were, they don’t really know how to mediate yet, so they over-correct from being “out of control” (i.e. drinking to excess) to being “totally in control”, and basically NEVER letting their body take over from their brain – they are afraid that if they let their bodies lead again, that they will slip off the slope again. Unfortunately this kind of adjustment takes time to level out.
If you say he’s more of an “ask for sex” type of guy, that MIGHT be a way to approach this though. Why does he have to “ask” with words? Perhaps if you approach it with him that he can ask you by simply trying something – BUT, you will need to set up clear moves that you will be OK with him trying on you, so there’s no “risk” of him making the “wrong” move if you aren’t in the mood. Similar to the dirty talk thing – can you help him with a few pointers about the kind of things you’d like him to say? I know it won’t be EXACTLY new but if you can give him some guidelines it will help him – there’s a saying that “too much freedom is a restriction”, because someone with no idea where to start, won’t start.
You asked for womens opinons, dont know if it’s cool to chime in, if not I’ll delete.
Almost 6 years into marriage, after 2 kids, the relationship and intimacy have changed. Before we used to have a lot of kinky wild sex. Now I’m afraid to venture into boundaries that would upset her. I can’t read her too well anymore. I can’t bring myself to talk about it because i fear that making it conscious will spoil things further. It’s a situation where “you’re supposed to know” I guess. Sometimes I’d like to be a little more dominant and rough but for the past few years she’s started to have a lot of feminist talks with me, which I don’t mind, I think it’s fine, but because of that I guess I became too conscious in bed about the possibility of forcing things or crossing boundaries that might be fun and just rough sex but depending on the light might be considered bad if she doesn’t want. Our sex hasn’t been bad but formulaic.
I work in a marketing department with more than a fair share of married older ladies and I know that around two thirds of them have strayed at some point for no reason other than boredom.
I was in a dead bedroom 20 years. Leaving was not an option. So I distracted myself best I could with new hobbies and taking care of my kids.
But after 20 years all my attraction to him was gone, replaced by resentment. I didn’t even want sex with him anymore. And I did leave.
You can stay. Just be aware every year that passes with you being sexually unsatisfied will drive bitterness into your soul. And the love you have for him now will turn into indifference.
I left after 5 years and I was devastated but a year later I am so grateful I was brave enough to do so
Have you tried discussing continual consent and possibly a contract to make him less nervous? 🤔
I’d be nervous too and I’m a seasoned Dominant. SA charges are a thing and men get what if stuck in our heads at times.
I strongly suggest you two talk, in my house I am the one underperforming but my husband being brave enought to bring this up really helped and motivated me to step up, you’d be surprised how much things can improve by just being open about them
Communicate and take action on what you want. Try a yes-no-maybe list and see if you can find some common desires and kinks.
Coming from a guy….JUST TELL HIM. This is what I would want, just say hey hubby I want you to pin me down and be kinky like when you used to drink. I love that you are sober but I want you to be wild too. Dont over think it, sometimes direct “fuck me hard” is fine.
Sounds like your not sexually compatible. Something you really need to think about. I urge you to talk to him… like actually talk. A real deep and honest conversation. Lay it out on the table. Don’t blame him, remember it’s y’all versus the problem, not each other.
I feel unsatisfied, I’m missing passion, what are something things you think we can do to bring that back into the bedroom? What do you feel? Etc. it might be uncomfortable but that’s the decision you make when you commit to someone, it can’t always be sunshine and rainbows.
Give it time and see if things change, if not then you’ll have to make a decision if you want to settle for unfulfilling sex for however long or possibly forever.
Personally I could never. If my partner isn’t willing to work with me, life is too short to settle especially when it comes to sex. Imagine yourself 5-10 years from now… 20 years from now… what kind of life would that be?
How to do u find out that ur female partner is bored and isn’t enjoying?
A lot of people will say to communicate but I truly think there are some things you can’t teach. If you had really passionate sex before he got sober, then maybe it’s possible to have it again. But if it’s never been that passionate, then a conversation probably isn’t going to change that. Some have that animal instinct and most don’t.
I’m not entirely bored with my sex life, but being nonmonogamous allows me to find other guys who can provide the sexual experience that I can’t get from my bfs.
In a very similar situation. (21F)
I don’t want to leave him because we have wonderful long-term relationship but sex is just getting worse and worse. at the moment it’s inexistent. I have always been a horny person and We had sex frequently but I was never satisfied. At first I had hope we would learn to please me together but after years I just lost my sex drive altogether. Now I don’t even masturbate. I don’t feel like myself.
When he kisses me or I try to “feel sexy” I feel embarrassed and incredibly uncomfortable instead. It’s been several months without any sex.
NOTE: We have talked about it. I tried telling him what I liked and he couldn’t get me there. we tried sex toys, nothing. I just feel nothing and then uncomfortable. He is being supportive in waiting for me to figure this out.
Any new ideas of things I could try to feel excited again???
Something I haven’t seen mentioned here, from a woman who is very happy with her sex life (both with my husband and with other partners). We’ve had great sex, adventurous sex, and kinky sex over the years – and also periods when things have dried up, and where we’ve been too frazzled or disconnected to enjoy each other. I don’t think this is abnormal – I don’t know of anyone who hasn’t felt this in a long term relationship. The important part – at least for us – has been to keep the lines of communication open. Even if the sex sucks, or doesn’t exist, for the time being, talking about what was good in the past, what you want for the future, etc., and not letting things freeze over has been key to us. We’ve had some long “dead bedroom” stretches, particularly after childbirth, but open lines of communication have really been key for us getting back on track after.
Didn’t expect to see « twice a week » after reading the title. It is a lot 😂
My GF says she wants this. Then when I try, she shows zero enthusiasm, complains it hurts, and just generally gives no real instruction. There’s a million ways to be dirty. But you got to work with me. And if I try this when she’s not in the mood, I get massive rejection. I feel like I know that our bedroom is heading towards death. I’m watching it happen. I’ve communicated this. And she does nothing to help me fix it.
Ok, so I’m (M43) the husband, but I can speak on my wife’s (F38) behalf on this one accurately. A couple years ago we were in a similar rut. We had been neglecting foreplay b/c my wife primarily gets off on PIV. We got into a cycle where I felt a little like a tool, then we had sex less often, then I took too longer and at only a couple times per week it would “wear her out” and make her sore, but she had very frequent needs, so it was a vicious cycle. I wanted to give her what she wanted, but it was an indirect problem for both of us that I was feeling more like a utility.
So eventually things came to a head and we faced all that out in the open – no more hiding it to spare the others’ feelings.
She made major efforts to turn things around in bed and try out new things. We figured out we actually really enjoy a male dom / female sub dynamic in bed (and a good friend F25 of mine wise beyond her years explained that day-to-day and in-bed can and often should be two entirely different things – that was huge for us and I suspect it will be for you two as well). We also took the quiz at [bdsmtest.org](https://bdsmtest.org) which revealed overlapping kinks we didn’t know we had (again suggested by my friend).
Basically, my wife is hypersensitive and she’s going to orgasm to excess without any special effort on my part, so now we focus on me as selfish as that sounds and it’s better for her too overall. I drive typically and she enjoys that thoroughly. We have sex daily on average now and that’s having slowed down from 2 to 3 times per day, but it’s still excellent.
So my experience was that making the communication total, including all the little doubts and fears, was liberating and made the difference for us. I hope it can and does work for you two as well! 😁🤞
I know you asked for women’s perspectives and I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship. I can only give you info on what I’ve read in your post and my experiences with this sort of thing.
Having quit the drink, he’s having to essentially relearn everything about himself. When you drink your inhibitions are lowered, allowing yourself to let go, not think and just do. If he was like this before, it’s still in there, it just needs to be unlocked.
He asks because he cares, because as men we have asking for consent constantly drilled into us. I don’t want to delve into your life but have you suffered assault before? If so have you told him? How it made you feel? If so maybe this could be in the back of his mind? I know it was with my wife for many years.
Maybe if you flipped the script and took him how you want to be taken and show him. We are simple creatures and quite often need to be shown the way.
Tell him what you want, communicate with him, before, during and after. When you did X it was great, it really hit the spot! Whatever he did, right or wrong. Tell him. I didn’t really like this by I absolutely loved that. Tell him often. If you want dirty talk, talk dirty to him. Not just during, but slip it into a conversation, as you walk by, when you’re sitting watching tv. He will soon catch on!
Quite often we are in our own heads, like, if I slap her to hard she will think that I’m violent and leave. If I grab her throat she will think I have a weird choking kink! Stuff like that. Again communication is what’s best.
Just talk to the guy, he’s probably thinking about the same stuff and doesn’t know how to approach it.
I slowly worked in toys and different suggestions and it’s made a difference. It became more exciting when I suggested something I knew he wanted and then he suggested something else. Then I purchased a small vibrator he could use on me and we were both excited to try it when it was delivered.
> I would love for him to grab me and pin me down, but he’s more of an ask for sex kind of guy
As a guy, this is difficult to navigate especially with the constant messaging of *”consent isn’t consent, you need ‘enthusiastic’ consent”* or something like that. Of course any halfway decent guy is going to ask instead of just grabbing you and pinning you down.
There’s a lot more to a relationship then sex. Sometime safety and security are more important. Everyone needs to decide what their most important aspects are for them and decide if that relationship is something you can truly be happy in long term. If it is, you then just need to replace sex with other means to connect. Maybe you do weekly back massages or say 3 things you appreciate about the other person before bed.
Dead bedroom here for going on 20yrs. My (37F) husband (39M) has no libido, so has agreed to open the relationship. Consequently I now have 2 side piece/fwb situations to keep me busy when I need it. It’s working out pretty well at the moment. Bear in mind that my husband and I rarely ever have sex (once every few months) and when we do, we’re incompatible so it’s not pleasurable. On the other hand I know my 2 guys can (separately) send me into space and back within an hour.
If you do want to play outside your marriage then please get your partner’s consent and discuss any boundaries beforehand. Otherwise it’s just plain old cheating. There are more couples out there in non-traditional relationships than you think.
Making him feel comfortable being open and giving green light signals will make this a reality. Men are overly concerned now with consent, even in their marriages. A vast majority of us don’t want to do the wrong thing at the wrong time so setting up some “green light” indicators will help with this.
Edit: 2x a week? Boy that must be nice.
My husband and I had a very vanilla sex life, until we started doing MDMA treatments. We do not have sex while high, but we do talk about it, without no inhibition, of the stuff we like, it’s actually been life changing.
You could open your marriage to other partners.
Polyamory or ethically non-monogamous lifestyles exist for situations like this.
There is also engaging with a Dom for the sadistic side of what you need.
In all of these relationship dynamics you can make your rules, but especially with a Dom/sub relationship you could specify, i.e. I only want to be (explain) and make a rule no penetration. You could get what you want from a Dom and then go home and fuck your husband.
Definitely get you. I was with someone who was open to every kink and no one can do it better
I didn’t cope…it led to a dead bedroom.
My relationship with my ex husband had issues outside of sex as well, but I very much regret spending 11 years trying to delude myself into thinking everything was ok, that the issues weren’t a big deal, that sex isn’t that important.
I was afraid to end it because there was no guarantee that things would be any better with a different partner in the future, and I was afraid of ending up alone.
Eventually, I decided that it’d be less painful to actually be alone forever than to stay in a marriage where I felt alone anyway.
How you considered talking to him because people are not telepathic.
My wife and I are a bit autistic.
It is a fucking super-power.
If I ask her what she wants she actually tells me. I then do what she wants and she loves it! She asks me how I knew what she wanted. It is awesome.
Neuro-typicals are like “it doesn’t count unless he can read my mind”. “Maybe I will ask Reddit how to cope with the pain of being married to a guy who can’t read my thoughts. “
Use your words.
100% talk about it. My husband wasn’t a dirty talker, and then we spent a year trying different things… and now that man will be filthy anywhere to get a rise out of me. It’s all about encouragement and support. He may never be a poet but he can say “I love when you do x.” “